Jokes And Whatever Quotes

#1. I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?"

Chris Rock

#2. Some jokes are less agreeable than others

Harriet Beecher Stowe

#3. How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones?

Samuel Beckett

#4. There were some particular themes that I knew I wanted to hit, and when I got deeper into the project I found that it was becoming serious in and on its own. By the end, it's not very funny at all. I think, now, that part of the power of the book is that the jokes are kind of sparkly distractions.

Moshe Kasher

#5. I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.

Ann Coulter

#6. I certainly got the jokes within the joke, dressing up in a wet suit, sitting in a Twingo, scaling a rubber mountain, dressing up and stealing a diamond, of course. If not now, when?

Pierce Brosnan

#7. Before doing my first open mic, I was sitting in the back watching all these comedians banter back and forth and fire jokes and up each other, and I thought, 'This is where I wanna be.'

Patton Oswalt

#8. GreenHollyWood is a bad character, fat, liking jokes, liking jokes about size, about the large, about the how big are you. Likes to laugh when you make a mistake, ... but but he is a teacher?! With a glasses a fat guy!

Deyth Banger

#9. Arguing with a lawyer is not the hardest thing in the world; not arguing is.

Raheel Farooq

#10. I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

Stephen Colbert

#11. If I do not do sensible things about investments I shall spend my old age in a workhouse, where nobody will understand my jokes.

Rebecca West

#12. Vor stared for a moment at his own reflection in the familiar mirrored face, remembering some of the stupid jokes his friend had told and the innovative military games they had played together. Seurat had never harmed him in any way.

Brian Herbert

#13. Lend's dad, two werewolves, and a vampire. It was like the setup to a bad joke or something. A doctor, two werewolves, and a vampire walk into a bar. "What'll you have?" the bartender asks. "We were thinking him," the vampire answers, eyeing the doctor.
Okay, jokes weren't my strong point.

Kiersten White

#14. In Bengal, Hindus are known to crack jokes at the expense of their gods and goddesses and that's what I did.

Sunil Gangopadhyay

#15. Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags.

Fakeer Ishavardas

#16. But television, when I was doing it, was all about scoring. You had to make these jokes bang, do whatever you could to make the material really pop. And if it didn't, there was something wrong with the material, or with you.

Tom Hanks

#17. You know what? I never really factor Hollywood into anything. I'm a black actor, so I can't really control what Hollywood thinks. I gotta go do my thing, and my jokes have got to be funny. Whatever I do has got to be great.

Jamie Foxx

#18. It will startle you to see what slaves we are to by-gone times-to Death, if we give the matter the right word! ... We read in Dead Men's books! We laugh at Dead Men's jokes, and cry at Dead Men's pathos! ... Whatever we seek to do, of our own free motion, a Dead Man's icy hand obstructs us!

Nathaniel Hawthorne

#19. I'm the perfect girl. You read about me in Maxim or whatever. I tell dirty jokes like I'm one of the guys, and I'm sitting there in my panties and bra so you can see I'm a piece of ass in the bargain. Except I'm real, so I come with all kinds of complications.

Garth Ennis

#20. Everything starts with writing. And then to support your vision, your ideas, your philosophy, your jokes, whatever, you've gotta perform them and/or direct them, or sometimes just produce them.

Mel Brooks

#21. Some jokes are stupid and useless, if you can't get it. It's to stupid to go in it, but whatever!
- Make your choice!

Deyth Banger

#22. What did the soup say to the tea plate?
"You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

Ana Claudia Antunes

#23. I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

Fakeer Ishavardas

#24. I'm from New York, I make kind of somewhat maybe lewd, at times - maybe some would say dirty - jokes. But in jest.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

#25. They didn't have to be funny - they were father jokes.

Terry Pratchett

#26. Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

Ronnie Barker

#27. A joke is like building a mousetrap from scratch. You have to work pretty hard to make the thing snap when it is supposed to snap.

Kurt Vonnegut

#28. There was a sea of change in comedy in the late 1950s and '60s. We were dealing with vignettes as opposed to jokes. We were more socially aware.

Bob Newhart

#29. Say,' I said. "What brings you out here at this hour of the morning, for a thing like this?"

'The bus,' he said.

Hunter S. Thompson

#30. Some comics have long routines to get them in the mood - I just prefer to sit down, write out the same jokes in a different order and then have a little prayer that I won't be met by silence.

Jack Whitehall

#31. The Dalai Lama took the Archbishop's hand, and then they were more eight than eighty, laughing and making jokes together as they strolled toward the terminal, yellow umbrella sheltering above them. Even

Dalai Lama XIV

#32. Brad Pitt is great fun. He jokes around all the time and has a real quality about him. On set the director called me over and said, 'Jase, just watch him. Watch him move.' Instead of walking, Brad literally glides. It's incredible.

Jason Flemyng

#33. The primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.

G.K. Chesterton

#34. For all the jokes and complaints about the aches of air travel, it's pretty marvelous, if you think about it.

Tsh Oxenreider

#35. Patriotism is a joke in the UK.

Matt Tong

#36. When I was younger, I listened to the greats: Winters, Mel and Carl, Nichols and May, Pryor, Carlin, Klein, Berman and lots of Lenny Bruce albums. But once I started doing fairly well, I didn't want to hear anybody's jokes or premises.

Richard Lewis

#37. I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.

Joan Rivers

#38. It's so hard to be sassy to the Fair Folk. You people never get jokes

Cassandra Clare

#39. I was never able to analyze my own performance that way I can now. I've realized why certain actors work. I think I'm very in control of what I do in there now. I know how to listen, how to make it real and how not to go to jokes, but to go for a sense of reality.

Steve Dildarian

#40. Your sense of humor needs some work, then,' Wesley suggested. 'Most girls find my jokes charming.'
'Those girls must have IQs low enough to trip over.

Kody Keplinger

#41. He said he wouldn't stay, as he didn't care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don't often make jokes.

George Grossmith

#42. A joke is a witticism or play on words that's meant to be funny. I say 'meant to be' because most jokes aren't funny. They range between mildly amusing and grimace-inducingly annoying.

Michael Monroe

#43. All of a sudden Yutaka realized he had created a cloud of dust all around him. Oh no! No! This sucks. This blows more than your mama! Hey, now's not the time to come up with stupid jokes!

Koushun Takami

#44. What's painful is that what you had together, all your inside jokes and favorite restaurants and that movie you both loved but everyone else hated - that's gone, and there's no replacement for it, you never replicate it, never get to have it ever again ...

Kim Culbertson

#45. I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

Anthony Jeselnik

#46. A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending their feeling of disbelief. It might piss a few people off, but I can't help it.

Michael Showalter

#47. On Anzac Day, coffee and jokes with a Turk might be the most meaningful and fair dinkum dawn service you could possibly have.

Michael Leunig

#48. And spare me the jokes about scoring."
"Dammit, woman, you read my mind," he said. "Is there no filthy wordplay you can't forsee?"
"It's my special magical power. I can read your mind when you're thinking dirty thoughts."
"So, ninety-five percent of the time.

Cassandra Clare