Top 61 Humor President Quotes
#1. Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!
Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer
Mark Twain
#2. A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.
Russell Baker
#3. Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican.
Bill Maher
#4. I heard one presidential candidate say that what this country needed was a president for the nineties. I was set to run again. I thought he said a president IN his nineties.
Ronald Reagan
#5. You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.
Bill Maher
#6. President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.
Andy Kindler
#7. I often have said that to be a college president, you need a thick skin, a good sense of humor, and nerves like sewer pipes.
Gordon Gee
#8. Dan Moldea, the lead investigator for Larry Flynt's ongoing quest to uncover sexual indiscretions of Republican congressional members, has now admitted he was hired by the law firm defending President Clinton.
Jerry Falwell
#9. Senior Republicans certainly expected the president to come clean over Miss Lewinsky.
Bridget Kendall
#10. I realize that some of you may be skeptical about the idea of reincarnation, but there's a lot of evidence that it's real. Exhibit A is Vice President Al Gore, who obviously, at some point in his previous existence, was a slab of Formica.
Dave Barry
#11. Only one president in this book was a supervillain. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Chester A. Arthur, the Lex Luthor of the American Presidency.
Daniel O'Brien
#12. The Boogeyman,' he said, just to be sure. 'The Boogeyman killed an employee of the President of the United States.'
The president nodded.
Some days, Zach thought, I really hate this job.
Christopher Farnsworth
#13. Humor helps ease the tension of race and the differences in society. If there wasn't comedy I don't know if Obama could have ever become president.
Marlon Wayans
#15. The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.
Garrison Keillor
#16. The president of General Motors was in a foul humor.
Arthur Hailey
#17. I think he needs to stand up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought to say where.
George W. Bush
#18. You don't get to be the president of anything if you have bad manners.
Daven Anderson
#19. Well, that's going to be up to the pundits and the people to make up their mind. I'll tell you what is a president for him, for example, talking about my record in the state of Texas. I mean, he's willing to say anything in order to convince people that I haven't had a good record in Texas.
George W. Bush
#20. We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.
Robin Williams
#21. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
Stephen Colbert
#22. If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come
'Lincolnesque' just means tall?
Calvin Trillin
#23. Daddy," said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, "you are a poo-poo head!"
Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. "John," he said, "no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head.
Christopher Andersen
#24. You saw the president yesterday. I thought he was very forward-leaning, as they say in diplomatic nuanced circles.
George W. Bush
#25. If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read President Can't Swim.
Lyndon B. Johnson
#26. She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it.
Kayti McGee
#27. It's my first trip as president of the United States.
George W. Bush
#28. In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
George Carlin
#29. Presidents, whether things are good or bad, get the blame. I understand that.
George W. Bush
#30. Martin Van Buren was a shitty guy. Not just because he was a bad president, and not just because he was pro-slavery. Van Buren was shitty in a very general sort of way. And with all that that implies.
Daniel O'Brien
#31. I don't need a president with a bucket list!
Chris Rock
#32. If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy.
Jennifer Lopez
#33. If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President" "Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager
Dan Gutman
#34. The President has a wonderful sense of humor, which is one of the reasons it is so much fun to work for him.
Karen Hughes
#35. Our plan will not favor religious institutions over nonreligious institutions. As president, I'm interested in what is constitutional and I'm interested in what works.
George W. Bush
#36. Why would I want to be President of the United States? I'm the King of Disneyland.
Walt Disney Company
#37. Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.
[Shrub Flubs His Dub, The Nation, June 18, 2001]
Molly Ivins
#38. International awareness of his deceptive practices is the reflection of the frustration that is prevailing in Sri Lanka which the President is trying to undermine by the traditional emotive and hate mongering politics.
Nilantha Ilangamuwa
#39. I've heard the call. I believe God wants me to run for president.
George W. Bush
#40. Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it.
Mark Russell
#41. New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House
until you consider the end zone is between Clinton's semen stain and where Bush OD'd on a pretzel.
Bill Maher
#42. The President of the Universe holds no real power. His sole purpose is to take attention away from where the power truly exists ...
Douglas Adams
#43. If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders.
George W. Bush
#44. I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.
Marc Maron
#45. Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems.
Robert Orben
#46. Miss Wormwood: Calvin, your test was an absolute disgrace! It's obvious you haven't read any of the material. Our first president was not Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers!
Calvin: I just don't test well.
Bill Watterson
#47. I may become weak and start listening to what my body has to say more than my brain. So I elect you the responsible one."
"I've been crazy about you since we met. You've elected Bill Clinton president of the chastity club.
Robin Alexander
#48. Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!
William Howard Taft
#49. Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To Make A Small Perfect Thing Which Will Live In Your Morning Like Curious Static Through A President's Elegy Or A Nude Hunchback Acquiring A Tan On The Crowded Oily Beach.
Leonard Cohen
#51. He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
Chelsea Handler
#52. He bowed jokingly, and everyone laughed as Mrs.Anderson shook her head. "Did you even read the material?"
"of course I did."
"Who was the leader of the North?"
"Lincoln."
"No, he was the president."
"Yes, which means he was the fucking leader of everyone."
Carmine
J.M. Darhower
#53. From Olsen's Nation: "Through the power of our diplomacy, a world that was once divided about how to deal with Iran's nuclear program now stands as one. Standing as one, the world now sincerely regrets Iran's nuclear program." - President Bodvar Olsen, fifth State of the Union address
Randy Quarles
#54. Obama's got a great sense of humor, but mainly he has a great thinking presence, which is uncommon. It's hard to imagine being able to do, think over answers and deliver them on television. If I were president I would constantly be spluttering.
Roy Blount Jr.
#55. The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay.
Chris Kyle
#56. Commenting on print journalism at the Commenting on print journalism at the White House Correspondents' Dinner: "Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor's office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.
Joel McHale
#57. Dr Urbino did not agree: in his opinion a Liberal president was exactly the same as a Conservative president, but not as well dressed.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
#58. Alan shrugged. "I love the CBC, really, but being voted its president - " "Co-president," Sputnik corrected. " - is kind of like being declared King of Nerds." "Co-king," Sputnik asserted.
J.M. Richards
#59. Every time I write a personal check, I feel like I've gone back in time. What year is it? Who's president? Do I even have the right to vote?
L.T. Vargus
#60. You know what happens on live TV?
Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Boob happens on live TV. Adele Dazeem happens on live TV. President Al Gore happens on live TV
Shonda Rhimes
#61. What are you going to do?
"Can't say - run for president, write -"
"Greenwich Village?"
"Good heavens, no - I said write - not drink.
F Scott Fitzgerald
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