Top 100 Humor Irony Quotes
#1. Damn, Ty, I'm getting slizzard," Mel says, sending everyone into bouts of laughter. "Dumb ass, you don't have a G6. You can't get slizzard in a frickin' Prius," I joke with her. We all laugh again
Julie Prestsater
#2. You might as well laugh at yourself,
everyone else is.
B.J. Neblett
#3. They say a woman's loyalty only lasts as long as it takes her to hang up and dial again.
Kim Gatlin
#4. But one place ain't no different from no place else. People try and make it like everything's new only to find the devil done followed you wherever you moved and all you can do is hold him off whiles you catch your breath
Amina Gautier
#5. Everything I love: literature, irony, humor, the individual, and the defense of free expression.
Christopher Hitchens
#7. Still, waking up this early was just wrong. "Why can't people be reasonable and only die after eleven A.M.?" I whined.
Diana Rowland
#8. We didn't need light & shade, irony or humor. An iconic Daltrey bellow could convey an extrodinary range of human emotion; withering sadness, self pity, loneliness, abandonment, spiritual desperation, the loss of childhood, as well as the more obvious rage & frustration, joy & triumph.
Pete Townshend
#9. A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors.
Ljupka Cvetanova
#10. A life that partakes even a little of friendship, love, irony, humor, parenthood, literature, and music, and the chance to take part in battles for the liberation of others cannot be called 'meaningless' ...
Christopher Hitchens
#11. Humor, together with irony,forms a safeguard against idolatry.
Krister Stendahl
#12. I'm a survivor, I said. But I didn't think that claim would carry much weight in an obituary.
Tobias Wolff
#13. Give the People what they want - and they'll get what they deserve.
The Kinks
#14. I always thought the biggest failing of Americans was their lack of irony. They are very serious there! Naturally, there are exceptions ... the Jewish, Italian, and Irish humor of the East Coast.
Colin Firth
#15. You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?"
"Only a man would think of that.
It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.
Terry Pratchett
#17. People are complex, and I think it's a huge element of what I do, because you have to balance out the fact that you talk about quite serious things with a sense of irony and tongue-in-cheek humor. That's my personality as well.
Marina And The Diamonds
#18. My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony.
Maurice Sendak
#19. Don't you love fall?" Stacey asked. "All the little festivals, the changing leaves, kids in Halloween costumes, the dead spewing up out of their graves to haunt the living ...
J.L. Bryan
#20. Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.
Bill Nye
#21. Irony of the day: arthritis medication with a cap that old people can't get off, because of their arthritis.
Kelli Jae Baeli
#22. Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony. The Black Company pg 447
Glen Cook
#23. Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.
Terry Pratchett
#24. It's just like an alcoholic to think he's doing the Zombie Apocalypse wrong.
Michele W. Miller
#26. In order to grow, I promise you'll have to let go of some habits. 10 times out of 10, they'll be the habits you're most in love with.
Brandi L. Bates
#27. It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
Voltaire
#28. The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.
David Cross
#29. What do you think the Order is going to do?" he asks.
"Help us open a door to Hell, if we're lucky," I reply. Lucky. Ha ha. The irony.
Kendare Blake
#30. Look, I know this is the last thing you want to talk about, but I wanted to ask you ... " He trailed off, looking strangely uneasy.
"Ask me ... ?" Ask me to dinner? Ask me out for drinks? Ask me if I wanted to see what he looked like under that uniform? Yow, where'd that last one come from?
Diana Rowland
#31. Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it's too crowded.
Sol Luckman
#32. And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!
Susan Kay
#33. I know the universe has a sense of irony, and sometimes you get reminded just how sadistic that can be.
Laurell K. Hamilton
#34. I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.
Edgar Allan Poe
#36. And we'll call you ... hmmm. Pudge."
"Huh?"
"Pudge," the Colonel said. "Because you're skinny. It's called irony, Pudge. Heard of it? Now, let's go get some cigarettes and start this year off right.
John Green
#38. Since you and Crispin are now finished and I have a few hours to kill, how about that shag?" he asked with heavy irony.
"Bite me," I sighed, gathering up the pages.
He winked. "Of course. My second-favorite thing to do in bed.
Jeaniene Frost
#39. Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.
Woody Allen
#40. That Jim Crow there in the window," answered the urchin, holding out a cent, and pointing to the gingerbread figure that had attracted his notice, as he loitered along to school; "the one that has not a broken foot.
Nathaniel Hawthorne
#41. Looking back, retrospectively on the events of that evening, I can see the irony - the shrink whose cat ate his own tail. At the time of the incident, however, humor was not in my emotional repertoire; it was the furthest thing from my mind.
Jacqueline Simon Gunn
#42. I always say a little prayer when I put cakes in the oven," remarked Eve, as she stopped to kiss Rose good-bye.
"What do you say?"
"I say, 'Please, God, don't let me forget I've put that cake in the oven.
Hilary McKay
#43. They toured the new hospital, the renovated and expanded McVeigh Home, and the (named without apparent irony) Bay View Home for the Blind and Helpless.
Alan Brennert
#44. God-fucking-damn but he was seriously good-looking. "Have you ever had the stuffed pancakes here? They're evil. I highly recommend them."
"Heh. The cop is recommending evil," I said. "Too funny."
To my surprise, Ivanov chuckled. "You've discovered my dark side.
Diana Rowland
#45. Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.
Agnes Repplier
#46. The world had been divided into two parts that sought to annihilate each other because they both desired the same thing, namely the liberation of the oppressed, the elimination of violence, and the establishment of permanent peace.
Hermann Hesse
#47. I'd love to see the Iron Jackal's face when he finds out I'm already dead," he said with half a grin. "Now that's irony." "No it ain't, Cap'n. It's just some shit that happened.
Chris Wooding
#48. It seems we would rather have a past filled with great scientists than just great artists and writers who could dream up these wonderful and awe-inspiring creations. It's a strange irony: we're spending our time trying to find the truth in our past, but creating myths of ourselves in the present.
Aditya Iyengar
#49. I live in my mind, such that whatever destroys me shall be a creature of my own invention.
Genevieve Ross
#50. Had just apologized to me. Hell must have been experiencing some climate change.
Patricia Briggs
#51. Whatever doesn't kill them, makes them make reality TV shows ...
Glen Duncan
#52. imagine there's no heaven..." he said. "Apparently someone is taking that personally.
E.J. Copperman
#53. I have wit in my work and a sense of humor, but I do not use irony in any way.
John Zorn
#54. I'm not sure how people drink out of skulls, Jinx added. Calvin had too many holes in him to make a good cup.
Sage Blackwood
#55. Irony is the birth-pangs of the objective mind (based upon the misrelationship, discovered by the I , between existence and the idea of existence). Humor is the birth -pangs of the absolute mind (based upon the misrelationship, discovered by the I , between the I and the idea of the I .
Soren Kierkegaard
#56. Nothing goes so well with a hot fire and buttered crumpets as a wet day without and a good dose of comfortable horrors within. The heavier the lashing of the rain and the ghastlier the details, the better the flavour seems to be.
Dorothy L. Sayers
#57. When people say there is no place like home, the first to agree are the homeless.
J.R. Rim
#58. I love Sell Out, I think it's great. I love the jingles. The whole thing as an album is a wonderful piece of work. The cover. Everything about it. It's got humor, great songs, irony.
Roger Daltrey
#59. He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'.
Mark Twain
#60. Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin.
James Thurber
#61. All of which does not alter the fact that Pnin was on the wrong train.
Vladimir Nabokov
#62. What would a racist call werewolves? Wargs? She kind of liked that one, but suspected that racist bastards didn't read Tolkien.
Patricia Briggs
#63. Not for the first time, Joyce lamented the lack of irony in conversations in Asia.
Nury Vittachi
#64. So if there is something on the planet that is worth living for, I'd better not miss it, because once you're dead, it's too late for regrets, and if you die by mistake, that is really, really dumb.
Muriel Barbery
#65. I suppose longevity requires giving up life's pleasures, one by one, until there's nothing left.
Gary Inbinder
#66. My momma always said, 'You and Elvis are pretty good, but y'all ain't no Chuck Berry.
Jerry Lee Lewis
#67. Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas?
Brandi L. Bates
#68. It reminds me of an old joke: What did the Zombie say to the whore?"
I looked at him blankly. "Um ... what?"
He winked. "Keep the tip.
Diana Rowland
#69. The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is. That's quite ironic when you think about it.
(on Alanis Morissette's 'Ironic')
Ed Byrne
#70. The irony of rule followers is they often quote a lot of people that do not follow as many rules as they do.
Shannon L. Alder
#72. Whoa!" I jerked my hand up to stop him. "Wait, what?" I asked as sick horror shot through me. "You mean, like when the bodies get cut open?"
Delight lit his face. "Yes, you'll be helping with the autopsies. You didn't know that?
Diana Rowland
#73. Jesus ... It sounds like these guys would be filed under Assholes Who do Evil Shit in My Name.
Kevin Hearne
#74. If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.
Philip K. Dick
#75. We can get you a throne with snakes. I'll stand next to you and roar at anybody who fails to grovel. Fear Kate Daniels. She is a mighty and terrible ruler. Grendel can anoint the petitioners with his vomit. It'll be great ...
Ilona Andrews
#77. A gurgling chuckle came from behind him; Jonas had heard it often enough to know that it signified something as close to laughter as the creature ever got. Yet you believe those things won't come if you serve your Lord? You know what they say about the road to Hell, Judas.
Kaine Andrews
#78. If Socrates was alive today he would say : I know that I know everything. That's what contemporary philosophers do.
Ljupka Cvetanova
#80. Caricatures are an important part of our culture of debate. They should defuse political spats through humor and irony. It is about making a strong statement but softening it with a wink. So Danes do not get too upset about caricatures. None of us is interested in insulting Muslims.
Anders Fogh Rasmussen
#81. Hey, look, I thought with a miserable laugh, this day just got worse.
Diana Rowland
#82. Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?
Sol Luckman
#83. I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?
Ryan Lilly
#84. I was tired of this silly joking about my 'speaking countenance'. I could keep a secret as well as anyone. Poirot had always persisted in the humiliating belief that I am a transparent character and that anyone can read what is passing in my mind.
Agatha Christie
#85. If I had but the time and you had but the brain
Lewis Carroll
#86. The old adage--humor is the best way to make the unbearable bearable--may be true.
Mary Ann Shaffer
#87. Let me not be sentimental, let the distance in time give me humor and irony and a shrewd, if loving, eye.
Sylvia Plath
#88. Anyway, if the Cetagandans really wanted to assassinate you, they'd hardly do it here. They'd slip something subtle under your skin that wouldn't go off for six months, and then would drop you mysteriously and untraceably in your tracks
Lois McMaster Bujold
#89. You ought to give up detecting and try fantasy writing, Strike
Robert Galbraith
#90. In my own work, humor is necessary, for the reasons stated above, but also because forbidding your characters silliness, absurdity, irony, and vulgarity forbids them aspects of the human experience every bit as universal as sorrow.
Anthony Marra
#91. The greatest irony is that people with Rolodexes are no longer LinkedIn. And if that pun doesn't make sense, don't ask anyone in your Rolodex to explain it.
Ryan Lilly
#93. Good morning!" my partner, Derrel, said in an insanely cheerful voice. "I need my Angel to come out and play.
Diana Rowland
#95. Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
Keith Caserta
#97. Melissa Pritchard's prose, that darkly lyrical firmament, is brightened by the dizzy luminous arrangement of her stars and satellites, her great gifts to us: humor, irony, kindness, brilliance.
Antonya Nelson
#98. Women, when they kill themselves, choose far more romantic methods - like slashing their wrists or taking an overdose of sleeping pills.Abandoned princesses and Hollywood actresses have provided numerous examples of this.
Paul Coelho
#99. Humor is hard to catch in a second language. Especially when you're as serious a young man as Giovanni. He said to me the other night, 'When you are ironic, I am always behind you. I am slower. It is like you are the lightning and I am the thunder.
Elizabeth Gilbert
#100. In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
Mark Twain
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