Hate Me Funny Quotes

#1. When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.

Alan Carr

#2. Why would you do that? (Delphine) Why do you think? (Jericho) Because I'm a bossy hag and you'd rather be enslaved to a man you hate than deal with me. (Delphine) You know ... you're not funny. (Jericho) I think I'm hysterical. (Delphine)

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#3. I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you do the accents of the countries you're attacking from. And I hate that you wear a beret every time we play. God, do I hate the beret.

Colin Nissan

#4. I can't even look at daily comic strips. And I hate sitcoms because they don't seem like real people to me: they're props that often say horrible things to each other, which I don't find funny. I have to feel like they're real people.

Roz Chast

#5. I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

Mitch Hedberg

#6. I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven from Blood of Prey

R.J. Dennis

#7. I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

Demetri Martin

#8. I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

Louis C.K.

#9. I hate when someone keep on asking me to guess even after I failed to crack twice!

Nelson Jack

#10. Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.

Tara Sivec

#11. Why does the world hate me? They both laughed, but it wasn't funny. SERIOUSLY. Why does the world hate me?

Cora Carmack

#12. I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.

Jenny Eclair

#13. I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

Mitch Hedberg

#14. They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

Sophie Kinsella

#15. I hate when I break my own rules. What's the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?

Jesse Ball

#16. I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

Katie McGarry

#17. I hate people who cry around me. I'm not friends with them anymore. Especially girls. Cuz girls are crying all the time. It's like, 'Shut up.'

Robert Pattinson

#18. I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"

Mike Birbiglia

#19. I decided I would rather have a day job and love music than to play music that made me hate it.

David Torn

#20. I make funny videos. I hate saying I'm a comedian because then people stick their finger in your face and demand you tell a joke. But the other thing people call me is 'a YouTube sensation,' which is even worse.

Katie Nolan

#21. Don't try and make me feel better, Alex. I hate you."
"I hate you, too.

Simone Elkeles

#22. I had pecs for about two days. Everyone would hate me. Just look at me walking around with my little peacoat on. My little customized pea coat.

Robert Pattinson

#23. He gave me a rueful smile, his brown eyes so endearing. I could tell he was about to say something funny. I just knew him that well. That's like asking if I'm a fan of cancer. I fucking hate it, but do I know how to get rid of it? Not fucking likely.

R.K. Lilley

#24. I tended to hate people that hit me in the head without warning.

Amanda Hocking

#25. I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

David Sedaris

#26. I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

Chris Rock

#27. Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy iMac, unless I'd rather take a nap. Feel free to hate me
I certainly would.

Julie Powell

#28. I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour."
Finbar rolled his eyes. "And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them.

Derek Landy

#29. The funny thing about me is I'm kind of schizophrenic, because after four or five nights in a row of going out to parties, I just have to be alone. I hate people and feel like they're keeping me from what I really want to do, like write a fabulous novel, which I probably never will.

Bob Colacello

#30. I hate wearing the helmet but I don't want the humans falling in love with me. They couldn't handle all this." She winked before disappearing into one of the rooms."-Breeze

Laurann Dohner

#31. Don't you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it for me!

Jim Carrey