I Hate Myself Funny Quotes

#1. I tended to hate people that hit me in the head without warning.

Amanda Hocking

#2. Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy iMac, unless I'd rather take a nap. Feel free to hate me
I certainly would.

Julie Powell

#3. Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.

Denis Leary

#4. I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

Demetri Martin

#5. I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

Chris Rock

#6. Funny how ready people are to believe that counseling, which even when voluntary takes years to modify garden-variety neuroses, can work wonders in months with resistant patients who hate each other.

Katha Pollitt

#7. I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

David Sedaris

#8. For the record, I hate skiing ... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Jim Norton

#9. In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

Tina Fey

#10. I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour."
Finbar rolled his eyes. "And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them.

Derek Landy

#11. Feeling funny in my mind, Lord I believe I'm fixing to die Well, I don't mind dying But I hate to leave my children crying Well, I look over yonder to that burying ground Look over yonder to that burying ground Sure seems lonesome, Lord, when the sun goes down

Bob Dylan

#12. To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.

Janet Coleman

#13. I would hate to see the state of my house if I had displeased Amelia under my roof. The servents would revolt. No doubt I'd have gruel for dinner, holes in my shirts, and the most foul-smelling tallow candles they could find.

Kristi Ann Hunter

#14. I hate it in friends when they come too late to help.

Euripides

#15. Some say Twitter is overrated.
Some love it, others hate it.
I guess it depends on what you've got,
If you have guts to write a funny plot!

Ana Claudia Antunes

#16. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

Rodney Dangerfield

#17. Even hating myself I still think I'm better than you.

Stephen Schneider

#18. I hate wearing the helmet but I don't want the humans falling in love with me. They couldn't handle all this." She winked before disappearing into one of the rooms."-Breeze

Laurann Dohner

#19. The sun weeps because it can no longer caress your skin or warm your lips." He sifted his fingers through my hair. "I do not envy the sun, Eva. But I truly hate the moon, because its light touches you in all the ways I cannot.

Michele Bardsley

#20. I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

Gena Showalter

#21. I hate people who cry around me. I'm not friends with them anymore. Especially girls. Cuz girls are crying all the time. It's like, 'Shut up.'

Robert Pattinson

#22. It's funny, 99% of the time, haters and the 1 they hate on have everything in common and could be best friends.

Behdad Sami

#23. It find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams.

Julian Casablancas

#24. I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

Mitch Hedberg

#25. Don't you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it for me!

Jim Carrey

#26. Yeah, there were a few years in the early nineties where I really began to hate what was valued as funny and just sort of what was valued in stand-up, period.

Patton Oswalt

#27. I hate trying to analyze comedy in some deep way. If it gets laughs, it's funny.

Rachel Dratch

#28. Hate is funny. Love isn't. Love can kill you. Hate can keep you alive.

Carol Grace

#29. Lots of artists who paint have the experience to one degree or another ... where their thinking doesn't precede their doing ... It's a funny thing, what I really hate yet I have to go through with it, is the preparation.

Philip Guston

#30. You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

Denis Leary

#31. I'm pretty open to all music. Its pretty funny because I've spent time in Germany and now I'm in Dallas where Country is a big thing. I used to hate it but now I can actually go through a song.

Steve Purdy

#32. The funny thing about me is I'm kind of schizophrenic, because after four or five nights in a row of going out to parties, I just have to be alone. I hate people and feel like they're keeping me from what I really want to do, like write a fabulous novel, which I probably never will.

Bob Colacello

#33. I don't hate humanity and I'm not interested in people who do. Although, it's funny, actually, some of my favorite writers really do. Like Martin Amis. My dirty secret. 'London Fields' is one of my favorite books ever. And it's indefensible! But he's so funny ... I forgive him everything.

Elizabeth Gilbert

#34. There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

Noel Fielding