Golf Humor Quotes

#1. Forty minutes later, my hatred for field hockey was in full bloom, courtesy of Nikki. Whoever thought it was a good idea to combine Tag with wooden golf clubs and a rodent-size ball should be beaten senseless.

K.R. Conway

#2. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.

Hank Aaron

#3. Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy.

Amy Alcott

#4. I killed him with my niblick, said Celia.
I nodded. If the thing was to be done at all, it was unquestionably a niblick shot.

P.G. Wodehouse

#5. How, exactly, did I kill him? He died on the golf course." One minute he'd been practicing his swing, and in the next - phzzt - a freak lightning bolt had hit him right in the nine iron. His shoes were still smoking when she reached him.

Cheryl Sterling

#6. My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

Anthony Jeselnik

#7. If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.

Ray Romano

#8. Jenny can still suck a golf ball through a garden hose and she guns my cock like a champ since she misplaced her false teeth!

Tara Sivec

#9. I don't get it. Basketball is so supremely boring. I can't understand the point of watching ten giants running from one end of the field
court
to the other throwing an orange ball through a hoop in the air. I guess it's better than golf, but so is watching paint dry.

Carter Quinn

#10. We must apply a judicial, not a political, standard to this record. Asking a judicial nominee whose side you will be on in future cases is a political standard.

Orrin Hatch

#11. The corals do not look much worn, but still appear to have been dead. There are some delicate shells of molluscs from depths beyond 500 fathoms, where they were certainly living.

Edward Forbes

#12. A peaceful refuge in which to rediscover each other, we thought,, not realizing that, while golf and fishing are Scotland's most popular outdoor sports, gossip is the most popular indoor sport.

Diana Gabaldon

#13. Anyone who discounts you is a dumbass," I muttered as the golf cart jerked forward.
"And are you a dumbass?" the Pigeon inquired as she peeked under the tarp.
"Absolutely not ... I'm a smartass.

Robyn Peterman

#14. I fuck old men for a living. Of course I golf.

Dolce

#15. Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 pecent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversation.

Grantland Rice

#16. I played golf ... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying ...

Mitch Hedberg

#17. I want to be on the floor. I want to fight for the win.

Pau Gasol

#18. I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#19. I constantly caution our teams: 'Play your game, just play your game. Eventually, if you play your game, stick to your style, class will tell in the end.' This does not mean that we will always outscore our opponent, but it does insure that we will not beat ourselves.

John Wooden

#20. In Chestnut Hill money didn't talk, but it drank, and played a lot of golf.

Alistair McHarg

#21. I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Henny Youngman

#22. Don't dis the geek," J.J. said, turning his attention back to his laptop. "Diamonds are overrated; we are actually a girl's best friend.

Robert J. Crane

#23. Marriage is sacred and protected and has nothing to do with violating our civil rights.

Jack Kingston

#24. I don't let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time

Angelo Spagnolo

#25. Anybody who has stood on the prairie in North Dakota has felt the force of the wind and knows that our state has an inexhaustible supply of wind power. The potential here to create jobs and draw millions of dollars in new investment to North Dakota is enormous.

Kent Conrad

#26. I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

Gerald R. Ford

#27. Those years on the golf course as a caddie, boy, those people were something. They were vulgar, some were alcoholics, racist, they were very difficult people to deal with. A lot of them didn't have a sense of humor.

Martin Sheen

#28. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Dave Barry