Funny Old Man Quotes

#1. It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

W.C. Fields

#2. There never was a man with such a face as yours, unless it was your father, and I suppose he is singeing his grizzled red beard by this time, unless you came straight from the old un without any father at all betwixt you; which I shouldn't wonder at, a bit.

Charles Dickens

#3. He took a meditative puff on his stogy, and informed himself that time was a funny thing. Old Man Time just walked along, and he didn't even blow a How-do-you-do through his whiskers. He just walked on past you. Things just change.

James T. Farrell

#4. There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

William Cosmo Monkhouse

#5. He'd gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink!

Rick Riordan

#6. Webster said, 'Time them skeeters get done with that old man, his French blood will be all gone and he will speak American as good as we do.

Peter Matthiessen

#7. I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Rodney Dangerfield

#8. "You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."

Greg Giraldo

#9. If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Doug Stanhope

#10. An old man with overalls walked by; I don't think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.

Aimee Bender

#11. My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.

Molly Harper

#12. Old man with an old phone. That's never not funny.

Adam McKay

#13. Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#14. The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

Jimmy Carr

#15. When people say 'Charlie Chaplin' I still think now of the guy in the moustache and bowler hat and funny walk - I don't think of an old man who was my grandfather.

Oona Chaplin

#16. Though everyone in the bar knew who he was, no one asked him about the death, though one old man did rustle his newspaper suggestively.

Donna Leon

#17. A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

Rodney Dangerfield

#18. We are all connected by common threads in our experiences despite language barriers or geographical distance.

Esha Young

#19. It's not all about love. That's half of it ... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'

Marc Maron

#20. A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

Craig Ferguson

#21. One of the strongest things I have had to wrestle with in my life is the significance of the longing for perfection in oneself and in the people bound to the self by friendship or parenthood or childhood.

Fred Rogers

#22. I used to laugh at that old wheeze about a man wanting his son to be better than he was, but as I get older it seems less funny and more true.

Stephen King

#23. The young think about how they'll change the world, the old think about how the world has changed.

Mardy Grothe

#24. Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone."
"If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks.

Molly Harper

#25. Funny thing about being a U.S. senator, the only thing the law says you have to be is 30 years old. Not another single requirement. They just figure that a man that old got nobody to blame but himself if he gets caught in there.

Will Rogers

#26. Very often, I don't make it through moments of recording because it is genuinely funny and absolutely ridiculous that a 60-year-old grown man is making these noises.

David Ogden Stiers

#27. I'm a big fan of certain new acts. I love any genre of music, and I think it's really great to see that there are new artists coming through. It's kinda funny to think that I'm like the old man on campus now. But I'm really happy for groups like One Direction. I think they're really good guys.

Joe Jonas

#28. I'd love to do a comedy. I'd love to do a two-hander like the old Leathal Weapon movies. I love those, like an action comedy with the straight man and the funny man. I'd love to do one of those. Just got to find one, find a funny man that wants to do one with me.

Jason Statham

#29. If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.

Sarah Silverman

#30. I believe most things can be said in a few lines.

Enzo Ferrari

#31. When you find that people are not telling you the truth
look out!

Agatha Christie

#32. Jason hated being an old man.

Rick Riordan