Funny Ex Husband Quotes

#1. A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.

Pawan Mishra

#2. People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

Erma Bombeck

#3. If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#4. When a man does exactly what a woman expects him to do she doesn't think much of him. One should always do what a woman doesn't expect, just as one should say what she doesn't understand.

Oscar Wilde

#5. Lighter things will happen to you, birds will steal your husband's sandwich on the beach, and your child will still be dead, and your husband's shock will still be funny.

Elizabeth McCracken

#6. Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.

Russell M. Nelson

#7. Jason [Nash] is just someone that I've known socially and through his stand-up, seeing him do different comedy shows, and I just really like him. I think he's a funny guy and he has a unique perspective on being a dad and a husband.

Busy Philipps

#8. Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him. Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!

Lady Randolph Churchill

#9. She'd been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. 'You are so beautiful,' her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.
'You are so full of shit,' Lila snarled, but as a contraction settled over her like a net, she bore down and pushed.

Jodi Picoult

#10. Don't do it gurl," he said with a wink. "You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend's husband's dick now drop it.

Ethan Day

#11. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Rita Rudner

#12. He can blow the flute very well-that 'a can,' said a young married man, who having no individuality worth mentioning was known as 'Susan Tall's husband.

Thomas Hardy

#13. The funny thing is I'm not bothered or sad about being on my own - after all I've never had a husband.

Francesca Annis

#14. [On Ronald Reagan:] Jane Wyman seemed more upset with her husband's obsession with politics than I. I tried to make her laugh. 'He'll outgrow it,' I told her. To her it wasn't funny.

June Allyson

#15. Opposities are married.

Ljupka Cvetanova

#16. The only man you will ever get is some fool named Grady who falls asleep in his soup.

Will Smith

#17. Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#18. Yes it's her husband. She hasn't got over it. Died thirty years ago.

John Cleese

#19. Hey Lady I don't want to fuck you husband .

Amy Poehler

#20. Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

Bill Cosby

#21. There, at her console, he dialed 594: pleased acknowledgement of husband's superior wisdom in all matters

Philip K. Dick

#22. I saw my ex-husband in the street. I was sitting on the steps of the new library.
Hello, my life, I said. We had once been married for twenty-seven years, so I felt justified.
He said, What? What life? No life of mine.

Grace Paley

#23. The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say.

Alfred Hitchcock

#24. Soon-Bok Kim closed her eyes, said rapid prayers in castellano, beat the steering wheel, begged God to save her and her stupid husband, said they would become better Christians.

Eric Jerome Dickey

#25. The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans.

Malin Akerman

#26. She ought to call him Benjamin, but it was too intimate, too soft.
"My lord?" she ventured, only half serious.
"Good, God, no."
She bit back a smile. "Husband?" she took a sip of wine.
He grunted. "Are we to become Quakers?

Kristen Callihan

#27. Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife.

Pawan Mishra

#28. He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.

Ljupka Cvetanova

#29. Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?"
"Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth."
"Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms.

MaryJanice Davidson

#30. Your big scary husband is crying.

Robyn Carr

#31. Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: "No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat."

Tina Fey

#32. An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

Frank Carson

#33. It's funny, but if I had to say whom I'm closer to, who knows me better, I'd have a hard time choosing between my husband and my best friend.

Nancy Thayer

#34. What is a husband? He is the one who, with a touch, can bring back the starlight and glow of years long ago. At least he hopes he can - don't disappoint him.

Alan Beck