Top 74 Church Humor Quotes
#1. While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the eastern philosophies and of course the teachings of Mohammed, I find that organized religion has corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. Were I to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.
Hyde
#2. I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state.
George W. Bush
#3. If you're worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt."
"The what?"
Xavier shook his head in disbelief.
"You worry me," he muttered.
Alexandra Adornetto
#4. Paradox
/pera,daks/ noun
1. Being told to wake up and come back to reality by your family and friends, while being dragged to church to hear a lesson on Jonah and the whale, followed by a sermon on believing in things you can't see without faith.
Shannon L. Alder
#5. Dear God," said Nudge under her breath, "I want real parents. But I want them to want me too. I want
them to love me. I already love them. Please see what you can do. Thanks very much. Love, Nudge."
Okay, so I'm not saying we were pros at this or anything. (Max thoughts)
James Patterson
#6. The choir always tittered and whispered all through service. There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was, now. It was a great many years ago, and I can scarcely remember anything about it, but I think it was in some foreign country.
Mark Twain
#7. Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
Garrison Keillor
#8. It's not like the Middle Ages, when you had the Church and the aristocracy keeping everything nice and stagnant.
Kevin Hearne
#9. My sister having so much to do, was going to church vicariously, that is to say, Joe and I were going.
Charles Dickens
#10. People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.
Circular Letter to My Friends in Italy
Mikhail Bakunin
#11. I describe myself as a member of the Church of England, which I suppose is an inoffensive way of saying that you don't believe in anything very much
William Somerset Maugham
#12. I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan
Mary Daly
#13. He'd gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something.
Sue Monk Kidd
#14. By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.
Jeff Foxworthy
#15. I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday ... unless there's a game on.
Steve Martin
#16. One time, in New Orleans at a youth convention for my church, I read out of the phone book during a talent show. I made it all the way to 'J' before people started booing.
Travis J. Dahnke
#17. I like this interstate as much as the next guy, but the farther south we go, the hotter it gets, and I'm already sweating like a whore in church.
John Green
#18. There are Indian grandmas who get too much church and Indian grandmas where the church doesn't take, and who are let loose in their old age to shock the young. Zack had one of those last sort.
Louise Erdrich
#19. Going to church is not a sign of going to God, if you think he is omnipresent, he is right there in your soul and bedroom.
Michael Bassey Johnson
#20. When you have faith in something a lot of other people believe then you a member of the church" said Ceas, "When you have faith in something nobody believes, then you a complete wacko
Orson Scott Card
#21. The Catholic wisdom of the people ... provides reasons for joy and humor even in the midst of a very hard life.
The Catholic Church
#22. Bursting into flame would definitely blow my cover.
Rob Thomas
#23. And I strongly support the faith-based initiative that we're proposing, because I don't believe it violates the line between the separation of church and state, and I believe it's going to make America a better place.
George W. Bush
#24. My secret is cool and mysterious like a jagged scar across my chest, and not dull and heavy like I gave up church buy not the angst.
J.C. Lillis
#25. No one should have to walk down a church aisle with a bouquet of flowers unless she was the bride, already had been the bride, or was too young to be the bride. Otherwise, it was just cruel.
Julia Quinn
#26. The TV shouted an old black-and-white film he didn't recognize, wheelchairs facing it like church pews.
Sere Prince Halverson
#27. I suppose he'll just have to do," she amended. "You'll have to suffer in silence with your male model ... I feel for you."
"Oh, stop it, Molly.
Alexandra Adornetto
#28. Rachel would call the vet this morning, they would get Church fixed, and that would put this whole nonsense of Pet Semataries(it was funny how that misspelling got into your head and began to seem right) and death fears behind them.
Stephen King
#29. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday
#30. You feel bad about yelling in a graveyard after you just tried to have sex with me in a church?
Liliana Hart
#31. Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.
Cassandra Clare
#32. There is no separation of church and state. Modern US Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution.
Jerry Falwell
#33. Cut me off from the Church? They can't do that! I repent do damn fast!
J. Golden Kimball
#34. Some people say a person receives a position in this church through revelation, and others say they get it through inspiration, but I say they get it through relation. If I hadn't been related to Heber C. Kimball I wouldn't have been a damn thing in this church.
J. Golden Kimball
#35. In the Netherlands now, I imagine it's legal to marry your own children. Get them pregnant, and you can abort your unborn grandbabies in a free clinic that used to be a church.
David Sedaris
#36. Fat Charlie wondered what Rosie's mother would usually hear in a church. Probably just cries of "Back! Foul best of Hell!" followed by gasps of "Is it alive?" and a nervous inquiry as to whether anybody had remembered to bring the stakes and hammers.
Neil Gaiman
#38. Yes, his ear. I was attracted to his ear. While I was in church. I'm pretty sure that solidifies my position as the weirdest person on the planet.
Amanda Hamm
#39. Shayna wasn't so lucky. She waved as she passed her. "Looking good, Mrs. Mancuso."
No. She wasn't. Mrs. Mancuso's neck skin dragged a path between the tulips. "Go to church and get some morals, hussy!
Cecy Robson
#41. When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
Jimmy Carr
#42. His crimped hair was subtly frosted, making him look like a preacher in some California church - the kind with acoustic guitars and headset microphones and not much use for the actual Bible.
John Wray
#43. I never joined, but I used to go to church now and then. I liked it, because they always passed out plates of money at the end.
A. Whitney Brown
#44. Father Paisii, as a priest of the Moldovan Metropolitan of Orthodox Church, refused to sing the requiem.
However, as a priest of the Bessarabian Metropolitan, which in no way at all recognized the authority of the Moldovan Metropolitan, Paisii performed it.
Vladimir Lorchenkov
#45. I'm married, honey. My social life consists of work, church, taxiing the kids around and trying to schedule sex with my husband at least once a month.
Marilyn Pappano
#46. THE AWARD CEREMONY is held at a high school in Hyannis. Though it's just a gymnasium (the scent of balls of both varieties is still palpable) and the ceremony hasn't started yet, everyone speaks in hushed tones, like it's church. Something important and literary is about to happen here.
Gabrielle Zevin
#47. There was a man of the cloth - Reverend Shibata of the First Baptist Church - who left urging everyone to forgive and forget. There was a man in a shiny brown suit - fry cook Kanda of Yabu Noodle - who left urging Reverend Shibata to give it a rest.
Julie Otsuka
#48. Elders of the Creedish church made celibacy sound as easy as choosing not to play basketball.
Just say no.
Chuck Palahniuk
#49. Sit back and enjoy. And remember: Always be careful what you say around your kids.
Donna Chapman Gilbert
#50. It felt exactly like someone had hit me in the head with a church.
Patrick Rothfuss
#51. Dan was thrilled that the second clue had been safely smuggled out of the church in his pants.
"So, really, I saved the day," he decided.
"Wait a minute," Amy said, "I climbed onto the roof in the middle of a thunderstorm."
"Yeah, but the clue was in my pants.
Rick Riordan
#52. If opposites attract why is the church trying so hard to mirror the world?
Lakesha Ruise
#53. After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, 'That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in which they will pray us all to death. It is meant to kill us.
Sarah Vowell
#54. We sang in church "Tata Nzolo"! Which means Father in Heaven or Father of Fish Bait depending on just how you sing it, and that pretty well summed up my quandry.
Barbara Kingsolver
#55. Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.
George Lopez
#56. Now, there are things I like just fine about church, and I don't just mean making money. The notion of getting together as a community to remind ourselves why we shouldn't behave like animals is a fucking great idea.
Nick Offerman
#57. Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?
Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.
Alexandra Adornetto
#58. And some needs and hurts are so deep they will only respond to a mentor's touch or a pastor's prayer. Church and charity, synagogue and mosque, lend our communities their humanity, and they will have an honored place in our plans and laws.
George W. Bush
#59. They sounded like intestines, only on the outside, and the men in the Bible were always having them cut off and not being able to go to church. Horrid.
Jeanette Winterson
#60. A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.
Russell Baker
#61. DEAR GOD, if I survive this near-death experience, I will:
-Well, I already go to church every Sunday
- I do a fair share of community service
-I help organize fundraisers
God, you owe me big time
Hasti Williams
#62. New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck?
Bill Maher
#63. Something about being rejected at Church Camp felt so much more awful than being rejected at school.
Craig Thompson
#64. Clea and I were touring one of the cathedrals in Italy, and in front of the whole tour I go 'That's so cute! Look, they have birdbaths in the church!
Hilary Duff
#65. The train resembles the Soviet type and is quite comfortable, but all socialist structures I have ever encountered have toilets stemming from a single model engineered by the Orthodox Church in Tsarist Russia to ensure that man never be allowed to forget the corruption of the flesh.
Arthur Miller
#66. I will say this much for the nobility: that, tyrannical, murderous, rapacious and morally rotten as they were, they were deeply and enthusiastically religous. Nothing could divert them from the regular and faithful performace of the pieties enjoined b ythe Church
Mark Twain
#67. First Church of the Unleaded God & Ace High Refinery
WELCOME
KEEP OUT
Neal Barrett Jr.
#68. When we passed a Catholic church, I recalled, he said, You think your dad's a good chemist? They're turning soda crackers into meat in there. Can your dad do that?
Kurt Vonnegut
#69. Sometimes we can focus so much on nothing that we make it a big something of nothing
Ricky Maye
#70. First Church of the Unleaded God & Ace High Refinery
WELCOME
KEEP OUT
Neal Barrett Jr.
#71. Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.
Russell Brand
#72. Well, what I don't understand is why people get all dressed up and drive to church so they can sit there and get scolded. Seems to me it'd be a whole lot easier for the to just stay home in their pj's, eat pancakes, and get yelled at over the radion.
Beth Hoffman
#73. Talk Back? That's really what it's called? You're supposed to walk into some church basement and say, 'I'm here to learn how to Talk Back'?
Catherine Gilbert Murdock
#74. Anyone without a sense of humor is too pretentious to be a good magician.
Anton Szandor LaVey
