Top 42 Bible Humor Quotes
#2. Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and beheld a flying roll.
Zechariah 5:1
#3. I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education.
Tallulah Bankhead
#4. I know the fucking Bible, and there ain't no fucking Book of Leviathan.
Dan Simmons
#5. Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.
Criss Jami
#6. To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.
Bill Maher
#7. Mother calls up the stairs to ask what in the world I'm typing up there all day and I holler down, 'Just typing up some notes from the Bible study. Just writing down all the things I love about Jesus.
Kathryn Stockett
#8. But have you ever seen one? ... They shook their heads. "Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - "
Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.
Darynda Jones
#9. The idea of ghosts gave his child's mind no trouble at all ... According to the Bible, God Himself was at least one-third Ghost.
Stephen King
#10. People who were raised on The Bible can never tell the difference between a warning and an advertisement.
George Hammond
#11. Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
Dave Chappelle
#12. This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book should be to you.
Eugene Mirman
#13. Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.
M.J. McGuire
#14. King David had gotten old. He was so cold and frail that the court appointed a young woman to snuggle with him in his bed. No, they didn't have sex. Though the court did make a point of hiring someone beautiful, just to put a little sizzle in his chicken.
Mark Russell
#15. Q: But what do you think that the Bible, itself, says? Don't you know how it was arrived at?
A: I never made a calculation
Q: What do you think?
A: I do not think about things I don't think about.
Q: Do you think about things you do think about?
A: Well, sometimes.
Scopes Trial
#16. Love is poached eggs and the Sunday newspaper and slow, hard sex.
Michael Bible
#17. He who understands philosophy understands laughter. That mysterious Word at the beginning, mentioned in the Bible, is a divine guffaw.
Alejandro Jodorowsky
#18. I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.
Bill Maher
#19. After a bout of sex,
Sam: And P.S., if I'm going to have to do this Bible-holding business twice a year, I ought to get paid a special stipend.
Nick: I just made a deposit.
Marie Force
#20. The total absence of humor from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature.
Alfred North Whitehead
#21. Mom recognizes only two sources of wisdom
the bible and Hallmark.
Paula Wall
#22. The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.
Nicole McKay
#23. The Old Testament is actually pretty raunchy. You might enjoy it.
Nicki Elson
#24. On the sixth day god created man,
on the seventh day man created god.
Now we are even.
A.J. Beirens
#25. The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.
Bill Maher
#26. He didn't care if I hated him, only that I did as I was told.
Sheri Webber
#27. Did god make man too perfect,
So that a piece has to be removed
through circumcision?
A.J. Beirens
#28. Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?
'Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.' Prov. xxvi. 4.
'Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.' Prov. xxvi. 5.
Samuel Grant Oliphant
#29. Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?'
Customer's friend: 'Jesus.
Jen Campbell
#30. There is nothing, he tells me, more odious than a German. However, their women are seductive, and they make the world's most beautiful music. My employer sings me a German song. He sounds like a buffalo in distress. Afterward he makes me read to him from the Bible.
Sofia Samatar
#31. Nah." His arms tightened around her. "I think the Bible got it backwards. I think God made women first. Then he made man, because he thought, 'Someone's gotta see this!
Selena Kitt
#32. His crimped hair was subtly frosted, making him look like a preacher in some California church - the kind with acoustic guitars and headset microphones and not much use for the actual Bible.
John Wray
#33. Satan was seen buying a cafe au lait of Friday the thirteenth in the year of the dog. He was wearing a Mexican wrestling mask and a monocle on a gold chain the color of the sun. The lights of the casino filled his good eye. Our days are numbered, our weeks are fading away.
Michael Bible
#34. The South is a strange place, one that can't be fit inside a movie, a place that dares you to simplify it, like a prime number, like a Bible story, like my father.
Harrison Scott Key
#35. You should spend more time reading the Good Book and less reading all those novels. What are you going to tell the Lord on Judgement Day when He asks you why you didn't read your bible? Hmm?
I will tell Him that His press agents could have done with a writing lesson or two, I said. To myself.
Jennifer Donnelly
#36. Just think of what would have happened to poor old Naaman if he had decided to dunk himself only once?
Lawana Blackwell
#37. The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc.
Jerry Falwell
#38. Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.
Russell Brand
#39. Does it count as 66 books on GoodReads if I have read the whole Bible?
Michael Wright
#40. If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.
Barbara Kingsolver
#41. Do you think the Bible is accurate? I mean, do you think it's real?"
"I think Pastor Calvin is hot. In a fortysomething way. That pretty much sums up my religious conviction.
Becca Fitzpatrick
#42. They sounded like intestines, only on the outside, and the men in the Bible were always having them cut off and not being able to go to church. Horrid.
Jeanette Winterson
