Alcoholic Humor Quotes

#1. Life is better when you're drunk. I ought to become an alcoholic.

Ahmed Mostafa

#2. Maybe Dracula wasn't a vampire, just a raging alcoholic who was constantly hungover.

Krystal Sutherland

#3. This - he gestured impatiently at himself - is just a fucking shell. You're what drives me, Eva. Can you understand that? You're my heart and soul. If something ever happened to you, it would kill me, too. Keeping you safe is goddamned self-preservation!

Sylvia Day

#4. And so Harry became proficient in the task of cleaning up vomit.

Julia Quinn

#5. If you drink anymore, you're going to be positively flammable.

Michaela Haze

#6. A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

Carolyn G. Heilbrun

#7. After tonight I will not date put pen to paper again. A blank page to me is like a drink to an alcoholic.

Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey

#8. I'm not saying I'm an Alcoholic, but I do have prescription shot glasses

Josh Stern

#9. Creativity can be a social contribution, but only in so far as society is free to use the results.

Richard Stallman

#10. And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic.

Augusten Burroughs

#11. When you search for the truth, you begin to believe in the search and lose sight of the truth.

Chloe Thurlow

#12. Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind.

Agatha Christie

#13. Every time I was driving on the L.A. freeway in a small car, it was very unnerving for me. One time I rented an SUV, and it just changed my whole perspective of driving, and I was converted to SUVs from that day on.

Lauren Lee Smith

#14. I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Chelsea Handler

#15. If I let them all treat me like I was broken, then how was I going to convince myself I wasn't?

Patricia Briggs

#16. You're a chain-smoking, alcoholic hyper-violent sociopath with daddy issues!"
"When you say it like that it sounds bad ...

S.L.J. Shortt

#17. College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

Natasha Leggero

#18. I believe in 'Positives' not Negatives the only thing about Alcohol I'm Powerless over is those Damn Taxes

Stanley Victor Paskavich

#19. The angst of adolescence is the fear the pretty Italian girls across the street will never come over. The crisis of mid-life is learning they never will.

Mark Darrah

#20. I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

Michael Summers

#21. Uncle Joe says they're running around like thirty-year-olds." Claudia looked confused. "Is that supposed to be young?" "To him," I replied.

Ann M. Martin

#22. He moves closer and leans down so I will look at him. And I feel sick, literally nauseated by the smell of bourbon on his breath. And yet I still want to fold myself up and put my entire body in his arms. I am loving him and hating him at the same time.

Kathryn Stockett

#23. Suiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the soul?'
'Oh, rather!'
'What do you do about it?'
'I generally take a couple of cocktails.

P.G. Wodehouse

#24. An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.

Dylan Thomas

#25. [My work] looks very cinematic because it's not abstract video art. It's sometimes very narrative and since I play with film grammar in my video work, making a feature film was almost the same challenge.

Nicolas Provost

#26. It's just like an alcoholic to think he's doing the Zombie Apocalypse wrong.

Michele W. Miller

#27. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

George Carlin

#28. Yes, you'd make a great partner for him. What with the embezzling and the adultery and the drinking. That's what every man wants in a wife - a vaguely alcoholic, fornicating thief.

Eleanor Brown