Wife Jokes Quotes

#1. The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Jerry Seinfeld

#2. When does a wife know that her husband is cheating on her? When he starts complaining about the lack of water as he wants to have two showers a week." This was one of the many popular jokes.

Felix Abt

#3. I aspire to be
an old man
with an old wife
laughing at old jokes
from a wild youth.

Atticus Poetry

#4. I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive ... The refrigerator.

Rodney Dangerfield

#5. Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

Terry Pratchett

#6. As when astronaut Mike Mulhane was asked by a NASA psychiatrist what epitaph he'd like to have on his gravestone, Mulhane answered, "A loving husband and devoted father," though in reality, he jokes in "Riding Rockets," "I would have sold my wife and children into slavery for a ride into space.

Mary Roach

#7. Does your license plate mean something?" Bing asked. "En-o-ess-four-a-two?"
"Nosferatu," the man Charlie Manx said.
"Nosfer-what-who?"
Manx said, "It is one of my little jokes. My first wife once accused me of being a Nosferatu. She did not use that exact word, but close enough.

Joe Hill

#8. My comedy is for adults, but you can have your kids listen to it. They won't get all the jokes because hopefully I'm more cerebral than a 10-year-old ... but if you ask my wife, I'm not!

Henry Cho

#9. Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#10. Okay, that one's pretty good," Fred acknowledged, after she'd told him a particularly filthy joke. "But have you heard the one about the baker's wife?"
"No," Kyra said.
"Rumor has it, she married him for his buns." Fred burst out laughing.
Kyra groaned. "Okay, that was just bad.

Bridget Zinn

#11. Ove's wife sometimes jokes that the three worst words Ove knows in this life are "Batteries not included." People usually laugh when she says that. But Ove does not usually laugh.

Fredrik Backman

#12. You need to be my wife to win with me.

Pawan Mishra

#13. Schadenfreude is as old as the Scriptures. Believe me, when the girls in the Red Sea bowling league heard that Lot's wife had morphed into a pillar of salt, the deer-lick jokes flew.

Dennis Miller

#14. I made jokes about kissing Murphy Brown. But if that's what cost me my job, my wife will probably say, "Hey asshole, I told you so."

Bebe Neuwirth