Quotes On Ex Girlfriend Funny

#1. In entertainment, I adore Ricky Gervais in 'Derek.' His performance is unbelievably charming, funny and poignant. In life, I adore my girlfriend. She is the most adorable person I have ever met - from her silly jokes to her cute teeth to her little drawings.

Josh Zuckerman

#2. Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.

Aristotle.

#3. And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum.

Cassandra Clare

#4. You have better luck than you think you do," Cian said firmly.
Turning back toward him, she said, "Yeah? Prove it?"
You found me."
Yeah, and awakening your inner vampire, scaring the shit out of your
girlfriend, and screwing up your life."
Then that's my bad luck," he corrected her.

Rhiannon Frater

#5. I'm 47, my girlfriend's 33; she's 14 years younger than me, back of the net!

Steve Coogan

#6. A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

Anthony Jeselnik

#7. Dude, could you please get off my girlfriend before I beat the crap out of you ? I don't want to injure her.

Stacey Wallace Benefiel

#8. Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

Dave Attell

#9. Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well ... she's got eyes.

Kristen Schaal

#10. My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

Mitch Hedberg

#11. And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Rodney Dangerfield

#12. We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife.

M.F. Moonzajer

#13. And Sanderson?" "Are you kidding? I bet his girlfriend is a dominatrix or something." "Or his boyfriend." "No, he's so not cool enough to be gay." She was very funny.

Mary Calmes

#14. My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

Zach Galifianakis

#15. Girlfriend? That's cute." Some people yelled when they got angry. Jason got sarcastic. Always. " Are you taking her to the dance next month? You should probably call ahead; I'm not sure if they let pets in-even ones that are house-trained.

Kathleen Peacock

#16. This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

Anthony Jeselnik

#17. I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day ... Chlamydia.

Frankie Boyle

#18. You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Daniel Tosh

#19. I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

Dave Attell

#20. We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny.

Zach Galifianakis

#21. I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Mitch Hedberg

#22. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Jimmy Carr

#23. Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?

Conan O'Brien

#24. Good gravy on biscuits, girlfriend, you are in the middle of more messes than a platter of scrambled eggs. What's going on? Are the planets aligned funny? Or is that unaligned? Shoot, I have no idea. But I need to know what's going on. You and I will be going out for coffee in about thirty seconds.

Paige Shelton

#25. I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

Frankie Boyle

#26. That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife.

Moby

#27. Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

Greg Giraldo

#28. Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.

Simone Elkeles

#29. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Rodney Dangerfield

#30. I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Jimmy Carr

#31. My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian ...

Jimmy Carr

#32. Ryan, when did you get a girlfriend?" his sister asked.
"She's not my girlfriend, Kaylen," Ryan replied. "Go away.

S. Walden