Top 42 Humorous Family Quotes
#1. The oddly shaped man had introduced himself as a Mr. Abernathy, a wealthy friend of the family. "I'm a wealthy friend of the family," he had said. "Very rich. Friendly.
Jordan Stratford
#2. Why do these big old country houses always have family portraits in the dining room? Do you really want to eat with someone's gloomy great-grandfather looking down on you?
Elizabeth Jane Howard
#3. I want you back here now. I want you next to me now. I cannot believe that my family, your brother, all our friends, and an entire police force can't keep tabs on one twenty-six year old graphic designer who thinks he's fuckin' Batman.
Detective Sam Kage in A Matter Of Time (vol 2 or part 4)
Mary Calmes
#4. True science is never speculative; it employs hypotheses as suggesting points for inquiry, but it never adopts the hypotheses as though they were demonstrated propositions.
Cleveland Abbe
#6. Any company trying to compete ... must figure out a way to engage the mind of every employee.
Jack Welch
#8. Three things happened in 1945. Daddy went missing, Annie started wetting the bed, and the Lester girl sang about Hitler in the middle of Sunday service.
Sarina Adeline
#9. Overflowing with the milk of human kindness, the family had invited everyone they could think of, including people they cordially disliked.
Gerald Durrell
#10. " ... It is not my desire to wound the feelings of any person with whom I am connected in family bonds. I may be a hypocrite," said Mr. Pecksniff, cuttingly, "but I am not a brute."
Charles Dickens
#11. Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh ... like uh ... like ... uh ... well, I'll think of it later.
George Burns
#12. The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.
Dave Barry
#13. Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are trying to eat their soup.
Tom Althouse
#14. When Uncle W. G. held out his hand to take my money, I dropped the dead mouse in his hand.
Earl B. Russell
#16. Oh it's the bingo playing wizard
I love you guys so much, but not as much as my bird and my bingo!
Louis Tomlinson
#17. She would seize every opportunity to dive into the bathroom, in a swirl of white towels, and once in there she was as hard to dislodge as a limpet from a rock.
Gerald Durrell
#18. I was stark raving mad, and my family was too polite to mention it. That's what living with the Yamanis does to people. They get so well-mannered they won't mention you're crazy.
Tamora Pierce
#19. I have a great wife and it's very easy to be romantic because it makes her happy and then my life is so much better when she's happy.
Nicholas Sparks
#20. You think you have a handle on God, the Universe, and the Great White Light until you go home for Thanksgiving. In an hour, you realize how far you've got to go and who is the real turkey.
Shirley Maclaine
#21. Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.
Brian Spellman
#22. He had a bushy unibrow that could house a family of quail.
Lida Sideris
#23. 27 k Do not work for the food that perishes, but for l the food that endures to eternal life, which m the Son of Man will give to you.
Anonymous
#24. Whether it was the delicious food they filled us with, their humorous antics, or the extreme warmth and acceptance they provided the family, one thing is for sure, nothing could replace the love for and the love felt from Italian grandmothers.
Jacqueline Miconi
#25. You didn't just accidentally win my favor," I dispute, slowly shaking my
forehead against his.
"You earned it. Now, if I can just save your life twenty or thirty more times ... We might actually be able to call it even.
M.A. George
#26. A gold cage is still a cage.
-King David I
Oh, go cry in a bag of money.
-Queen Christina
MaryJanice Davidson
#27. My uncle, Mr. Stephen Maple, had been at the same time the most successful and the least respectable of our family, so that we hardly knew whether to take credit for his wealth or to feel ashamed of his position.
Arthur Conan Doyle
#28. In my family nudity just doesn't exist; I'm pretty sure my parents were both born fully clothed and still shower that way.
Huston Piner
#29. Doubt is a lot like faith; A mustard's seed worth changes everything.
Donna Johnson
#30. My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical.
Tim Heidecker
#31. I am not a person of nature. I love to think of myself as one, but I've never even gone camping.
Mila Kunis
#32. Everyone's dying. A little, every day. Make it count.
Libba Bray
#33. Instead of preparing to die, prepare to live in the midst of all the exaltations of the Gods
Brigham Young
#34. I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)
Groucho Marx
#35. Writing blurbs for books means you have to read the book, and it cuts into the business of bookselling. So every time I get a blurb from a bookseller, I try to write a thank you note.
Gabrielle Zevin
#36. I mean, shit, what Latino family doesn't think it's cursed?
Junot Diaz
#37. If the thing you want beyond anything cannot be, it is much better to recognize it and go forward, instead of dwelling on one's regrets and hopes.
Agatha Christie
#38. But at home he was our humorous, kind, and wise Dad. He loved reading, and he loved including the whole family in his discoveries. He
Ji-li Jiang
#39. Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan
#40. Regret is a kind of cold forever.
Unknown
#41. When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family.
Dave Barry
#42. I'm just a huge fan of smells, first of all. I have a bit of an obsession with smells.
Jessica Stroup
