Humor Weekend Quotes

#1. If John Grisham, Harper Lee, and Larry the Cable Guy were penned up in a remote cabin for a weekend with nothing but good bourbon, fine wine, and a couple of cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, something like Common Pleas (A Tale of Whoa!) might result...

J. Randolph Cresenzo

#2. Try to imagine the calamity of that: Zack, age twenty-eight, with no management experience, gets training from Dave, a weekend rock guitarist, on how to apply a set of fundamentally unsound psychological principles as a way to manipulate the people who report to him.

Dan Lyons

#3. But it was this tough little character part that I was playing, a very funny little guy that I invented over a weekend, because I realized I was not contributing to the humor of this thing. And I had to do something.

Dabney Coleman

#4. That weekend my people brought home
a big eared gray scrawny kit.
He was so loud and annoying
that I did not like him one bit.

Melinda K. Trotter

#5. Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest!

D.S. Mixell

#6. I didn't leave that crowd of ocelots to go back into it." [when asked to write the film script for The Osterman Weekend]

Robert Ludlum

#7. As distasteful as it is to decline your invitation, I'm afraid that it is preferable to attending yet another half-assed weekend eating gunky canapes in that cesspool of a shack you call a beach cottage.

A.C. Kemp

#8. Feel free to look around, but being as though there aren't any people eighteen or older here, stay off the bed. I'm not allowed to get pregnant this weekend.

Colleen Hoover

#9. I can fly around the world in one night. I can wink and go up a chimney in a split second. I can be in 500 shopping malls on the same weekend. I can even fit enough gifts for the entire world into one tiny sleigh pulled by eight tiny reindeer, but I CANNOT FIX THIS CONFOUNDED COMPUTER!

Bobbi A. Chukran

#10. I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then."

Margaret Smith

#11. When my muffin top makes an appearance after a dedicated weekend of pizza indulging, when I feel too tired to write and all my words sound boring, when my students aren't laughing at my jokes, I am still enough.

Michelle Elaine Kennedy

#12. That's my entire weekend. I had plans"
"A Vampire Dairies marathon is not plans." She looked at me like I lost my mind.
"Have you even seen the Salvatore brothers? Holy mother of gingersnaps.

Darynda Jones

#13. If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend

Doug Larson

#14. It is worth noting that at this time, I had been doing Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live for two full seasons. I am not recognized by anyone. Well, I am recognized by the guy who refills the soft-serve ice cream machine by the pool, but not for being on TV, just for lingering.

Tina Fey

#15. We were all used to Dad's little show-off sessions, and though they were never worthy of excitement, we always tried to humor him. (Last weekend he'd called us out to the lawn to see what a big pile of dandelions he'd weeded.)

Emily Cassel

#16. Nature" doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, "Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.

Pat Connid

#17. My wife Staci made me go to a wedding last weekend ... If it weren't for her, I'd be happy.

Stephan Pastis

#18. I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

#19. My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

Chelsea Handler

#20. It's that quirky kind of weekend feeling they write ridiculous sunny-day songs about. You know the ones
I'm sure they're on your iPod even though you'd never admit it.

Neal Shusterman

#21. Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.

Elizabeth Eulberg

#22. Her parents were going to a conference for the weekend. The conference was called "Lawyers are Lovely, Great and Superb: so Why Does Everyone Think that They are Liars, Greedy and Scum?" and Mr Thomson was doing a speech called "Ten Tips to Make Lawyers as Popular as Doctors.

Jaclyn Moriarty

#23. In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it's fight or flight. With Tommy it's always fright and flight.

Terry Weible Murphy

#24. In Poetry class, Professor Sappho teaches us how to compose love ballads. She's a swell teacher and all but I'm not sure I understand her. She's always going on and on about her weekend trips with the other goddesses to the island of Lesbos.

Tai

#25. Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday. Because you'll be dust on Monday. Because I'll be pulverizing you sometime over the weekend. And the cleaning lady ... cleans up ... dust. She dusts. And she has weekends off, so ... Monday. Right?

Bryan Lee O'Malley

#26. He had no idea about the 'loving deeply' part. Scarlet was the one love he'd had. They'd married the weekend after they'd discovered they both like sangria. He'd thought they were waltzing through life and it turned out she was line dancing.

Jodi Thomas

#27. Memorial Day weekend is the time we drink up all the booze and eat up all the grub that the soldiers didn't get to. It's important.

Karl Welzein