Top 70 Funny P.s Quotes
#1. Why can't I be admitted to the ... bosom of the operation?" I leaned toward him but almost started to laugh because "bosom" was such a funny word and my innuendo was more Tina Fey than Angelina Jolie.
Claire Gillian
#2. It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up.
P.G. Wodehouse
#3. Even her pink bunny slippers seem to prick up their ears.
Diary of a Penguin-napper (p. 15)
Sally Harris
#4. It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.
P. J. O'Rourke
#5. The funny thing was that he wasn't altogether a fool in other ways. Deep down in him there was a kind of stratum of sense. I had known him, once or twice, show an almost human intelligence. But to reach that stratum, mind you, you needed dynamite.
P.G. Wodehouse
#6. Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke
#7. The great thing about writing fiction is that you can do whatever the fuck you want, go as far as you are willing to go, and laugh at the people who take it seriously.
Richard P. Denney
#8. One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
Franklin P. Jones
#9. That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.
Kasey Collin P. Dumdum
#10. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke
#11. He's such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes."
"He's always taking something - generally food.
P.G. Wodehouse
#12. Well I ain't Dr. Phil, but I'm smart," she said.
"And your shoes are cuter than his," I said, trying to sound at least semi-normal.
"Yeah they remind me of Dorothy's ruby slippers, only mine are wedges 'cause I'm more fashion conscious than she was.
P.C. Cast
#13. It's the squares who know how to fly the fighter planes and operate the missiles and the bombs and work the M-16s. Liberals would still be fumbling with the federally mandated trigger locks.
P. J. O'Rourke
#14. Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
P. J. O'Rourke
#16. We must have a creature made of Darkness to break through the cage of Darkenss that imprisons your grandmother," Thanatos said.
"That creature is me." Aurox stepped forward.
"Oh, for shit's sake! We are absolutely fucked!" Aphrodite said.
Sadly I had to agree with her.
P.C. Cast
#17. I really love showing up at work at 10 A.M., trying to make it funny until 3 P.M., and then going home. It's like comedy bankers' hours.
Chris Eigeman
#18. When I started my program ... there was a big clock in the corner and I looked and it said nine o'clock exactly. And it was funny, because when I was standing on the podium, it said exactly 10 p.m., and this whole hour had changed my life.
Sarah Hughes
#19. One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they guillotined all the smart people in 1793.
P. J. O'Rourke
#20. She looked like a tomato struggling for self-expression.
P.G. Wodehouse
#21. Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.
P.G. Wodehouse
#22. The fat Sentry has some scrambled eggs.
P.T. Macias
#23. P - Jamie!" I called.
He waded back toward me. "I'm starting to think my name is Pajamie."
"Your name should be Pajerky. You said it wasn't deep."
"Pajerky?" He gave me a skeptical look. "That's Pathetic."
"We'll see how smug you are once I'm on dry land.
Diana Peterfreund
#26. Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?
P.C. Cast
#27. El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians.
P. J. O'Rourke
#28. I've done so many funny jobs. I worked at a farmer's market through high school. I worked in the stock room of Ralph Lauren. I graduated to salesperson at Ralph Lauren, which was a big deal to me. I've been a P.A. I've been a stand-in. I've been an assistant's assistant.
Allison Williams
#29. That's the funny thing about mazes: what's baffling on the ground begins to makes sense when you can begin to rise above it, the better to understand your history and fix yourself. (p. 717)
Wally Lamb
#30. ...Neferet fell smack on her butt.
P.C. Cast
#31. His brow was sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought and his air that of a man who, if he had said 'Hullo, girls', would have said it like someone in a Russian drama announcing that Grandpapa had hanged himself in the barn.
P.G. Wodehouse
#32. It's a funny thing about looking for things. If you hunt for a needle in a haystack you don't find it. If you don't give a darn whether you ever see the needle or not it runs into you the first time you lean against the stack.
P.G. Wodehouse
#33. Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
P.G. Wodehouse
#34. If you have time for just three status updates a week, make one promotional, one funny or interesting (containing a picture or video) and one promoting somebody else.
David P. Perlmutter
#35. Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
P. J. O'Rourke
#36. Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.
P. J. O'Rourke
#37. A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.
P. J. O'Rourke
#38. You're unlikely to discover something new without a lot of practice on old stuff, but further, you should get a heck of a lot of fun out of working out funny relations and interesting things.
Richard P. Feynman
#39. If you ask who I aspire to, well, if a single line of mine was as funny as P. G. Wodehouse can be, that would be great.
Nick Harkaway
#40. France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business.
P. J. O'Rourke
#41. Cheer up, Crips, and keep smiling. That's the thing to do. If you go through life with a smile on your face, you'll be amazed how many people will come up to you and say 'What the hell are you grinning about? What's so funny?' Make you a lot of new friends.
P.G. Wodehouse
#42. Funny . . . humanity's great at the tiny patterns. We can find quarks in an atom and Jesus's face in a tortilla. But that big picture is so elusive, so overwhelming, people refuse to believe something as obvious as their life in Des Moines affects lives in Delhi.
P.J. Manney
#43. Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."
P. J. O'Rourke
#44. I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.
P. Anastasia
#45. So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
#46. Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.
A.P.
#47. If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.
P. J. O'Rourke
#48. I took 'P.S. I Love You' thinking it was going to be a little funny, and I ended up crying every day on that film.
Hilary Swank
#49. Regarding creating a new work ... Sometimes you have to beat it like a red-headed step-child.
John P. Sousa
#50. At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.
P. J. O'Rourke
#51. I'd even had business cards made up reading, ABIGAIL COOPER, P.I. with teeny-weeny little letters underneath in parentheses spelling out PSYCHIC INTUITIVE. Most people think I'm trying to be clever. The truth is, I'm a chickenshit.
Victoria Laurie
#52. Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate.
P. J. O'Rourke
#53. Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.
P. J. O'Rourke
#54. You know," he said, "P.S.S. Piss Camp."
"Yeah, I get it," I said, "It's just not funny.
Ripley Patton
#55. I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block ... pretty funny.
P. J. O'Rourke
#56. Look in at the Drones and ask the first fellow you meet 'Can the fine spirit of the Woosters be crushed?' and he will offer you attractive odds against such a contingency.
P.G. Wodehouse
#57. When boys get mad its not so bad
When girls get mad world WW3 is about to start!
P.C. Cast
#58. This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.
P.G. Wodehouse
#59. P.S. Please give my love to Tink, she always was such a funny little bug
Jodi Lynn Anderson
#60. A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers.
P. J. O'Rourke
#61. You know, Ham," Breeze noted. "The only funny thing about your jokes is how often they lack any humor whatsoever.
Brandon Sanderson
#62. My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny.
P. J. O'Rourke
#63. Actually, I wouldn't mind a Malibu and coke."
"You're having a fucking pint."
"Is my choice of drink too gay for you?"
"Malibu and coke is a pussy drink. Last I heard you were strictly anti-pussy.
L.A. Gilbert
#64. I think he fucked me stupid- McKenzie Matthews- Being Beckett's
P.S. Berryman
#65. As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.
P. J. O'Rourke
#66. Kids enjoy laughing and are seldom bored when they find something funny. They also ask questions, often to adults, because they understand that the more words they can comprehend about a funny story or a joke, the more they'll enjoy it.
Brian P. Cleary
#67. Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)
P. J. O'Rourke
#68. Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.'
Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.'
Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.'
Stark~ 'Deal.'
Zoey~ 'Deal.
P.C. Cast
#69. You make me sound like an arrogant ass," he said.
"Are you?"
"No! I'm just me.
P.C. Cast
#70. Creative writing teachers should be purged until every last instructor who has uttered the words 'Write what you know' is confined to a labor camp. Please, talented scribblers, write what you don't. The blind guy with the funny little harp who composed The Iliad, how much combat do you think he saw?
P. J. O'Rourke
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