Funny May Day Quotes

#1. I might appear confident and chatty, but I spend most of my time laughing at jokes I don't find funny, saying things I don't really mean - because at the end of the day that's what we're all trying to do: fit in, one way or another, desperately trying to pretend we're all the same.

Tabitha Suzuma

#2. I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

Demetri Martin

#3. I flipped the good doctor the bird.
Snorting, Gideon caught my hand and pulled me back down the hall.
"What is it with you and giving people the finger?"
"What? It's a classic.

Sylvia Day

#4. Instead I sounded like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten. My name is Bee, and I like coloring and horsies.

Kate Avery Ellison

#5. Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

David Letterman

#6. A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ... "

Emo Philips

#7. I wake up every day and look at my own ugly mug in the mirror and don't think twice about it. The fact that other people might want to look at me still feels funny. It's flattering, but funny.

Luke Bracey

#8. I've been lucky enough to play some funny, nasty ladies in my day, and if you can make them foolish, they're even funnier.

Kelly Bishop

#9. Our cadaverous cadre has been walking for little over a day ...

Isaac Marion

#10. Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it.

Mark W. Boyer

#11. Christ, they'd be getting a cat next. He mentally recoiled from the idea: the day they did that, he'd cut off his dick and call himself a lesbian.

Kate Aaron

#12. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

Courteney Cox

#13. My heart's so light it floats and carries me so my feet don't walk. I sing all day and I don't mind the washing, and that's how I know I'm in love. Completely smitten with My Lord the cat.

Shannon Hale

#14. It's funny. You love something and one day it's suddenly gone or changed or lost forever. But somehow that doesn't stop your loving. Maybe that's how you know it's the real thing.

Tony Parsons

#15. I think my work is optimistic - as much as it is pathetic and funny and sad and ridiculous, at the end of the day it's about the hope that something will go right, and the constant wishing for a world where things might start to make sense.

Laurel Nakadate

#16. This may sound funny but somewhere in the back of my mind I thought the world would stop for my first day of JH. The day proved me wrong and I've grown to realize that nothing will be quite as I dreamed them up.

Latoya Hunter

#17. What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle.

Kenny D. Eichenberg

#18. [about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

Jeff Foxworthy

#19. May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

Keisha Keenleyside

#20. It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don't choose to live anywhere else. There's land here, where a man can raise cattle, and I'm going to do it some day.

Medgar Evers

#21. As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do"

Robert Breault

#22. Oh," she said, in a very different way. "Well. Thanks for my part in the compliment. Naturally I'd love to be watched and controlled, but I think I may be washing my hair that day.

Sarah Rees Brennan

#23. My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian ...

Jimmy Carr

#24. I grew up a really shy kid, but I always surrounded myself with a lot funny people. It depends on the day - if I feel like being quiet, I will be. I'm not a complete goofball, though.

Manny Montana

#25. When I first started as an editorial cartoonist, I was terrified on a daily basis. Filling that hole the next day, knowing that tens of thousands of people were going to expect something funny. There is still that pressure, but you kind of learn how to cope with it a little better.

Steve Breen

#26. We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

Karl Pilkington

#27. It's funny being the big news every day - and the good news every day.

Charlie Adam

#28. It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.

John Bulwer

#29. I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day ... Chlamydia.

Frankie Boyle

#30. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
No one's immune to bribery.

Joanne Harris

#31. Ladders were not inherently dangerous, he told himself, people climbed them every day, and most of them lived.

Anne Ursu

#32. I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.

David Mitchell

#33. My wife's a loving, funny, Irish-spirited person, and I'm still surprised at some of the things she says. She makes me laugh every day.

Gary Sinise

#34. Maybe I think you're cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean.

Ingrid Michaelson

#35. I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real.

Barry Watson

#36. Every day after school for 10 years, I was on the set of 'Married ... with Children,' which is a really funny and perverse place for a little girl in a Catholic school uniform to grow up.

Meghan Markle

#37. You can film me 24 hours a day and you'll get a very accurate picture of who I am. You see the funny side, I work hard, and I try to be honest and just call it how it is.

Lisa Vanderpump

#38. even opened the box?" She parked her fists on her trim little hips. "I have had a very bad day." "Well, so have I." He grinned. "But you just made me laugh, so it's starting to improve." She gave him a glare. "I don't find this funny." He raised the can

Shirley Jump

#39. Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.

Jon Stewart

#40. It's a funny thing, one day you're living and the next day you're not sometimes, whether you have plans or not. Wishes and wants get trumped by the reaper every time. I don't even know if I would want a warning if it was my time. I think I'd rather be surprised.

Dan Groat

#41. My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Chelsea Handler

#42. Finn is God: So much for Earth Day. I totally screwed things up and started celebrating the wrong planet. Now I have to collect all these stupid trademarked dog figurines that I distributed all of the yard. At least it's better than last year's mistake when I had butt statues everywhere.

Jessica Park

#43. The saga started out a normal day - don't they all? I mean, surely one morning back there in prehistoric times a dinosaur woke up, yawned, chewed some coffee beans, and thought his day was going to be dead boring, just before a comet slammed into his neighborhood.

Rachel Caine

#44. You know what? At the end of the day, funny is funny. I hope to see the end of all the female cliches that are written in a lot of comedies that are named chick flicks.

Wendi McLendon-Covey