Funny Last Chance Quotes

#1. I was told I had a two per cent chance of getting pregnant, so I say she's a two per cent baby.

Nicole Kidman

#2. I think the more you hone your voice, take risks and talk about things that matter, the better chance you have of getting into the realm of the philosophers of stand up. But you have to be funny.

Ted Alexandro

#3. There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.

Dave Navarro

#4. I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag," I warned him. "Do not fuck with me.

Karen Chance

#5. Men Wanted for Dangerous Expedition: Low Wages for Long Hours of Arduous Labour under Brutal Conditions; Months of Continual Darkness and Extreme Cold; Great Risk to Life and Limb from Disease, Accidents and Other Hazards; Small Chance of Fame in Case of Success.

Ernest Shackleton

#6. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston S. Churchill

#7. I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.

J. B. Smoove

#8. Love is simple, if you allow it to be simple. Julian to Hannah, Take A Chance

Alison Wong

#9. Everyone knows that a man can marry even if he reaches the age of 102, is penniless, and has all his facilities gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him.

Amy Vanderbilt

#10. Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

Adam Carolla

#11. Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something.

Richelle Mead

#12. Later, they also found a camp of outlaws who, when offered the chance to join the rebel ranks, unsheathed their daggers and threatened to cut the three into tiny, bloody pieces and eat them for dinner.
They too that as a firm no.

Morgan Rhodes

#13. I love New York. I was sad, depressed and incredibly moved by our fellow countrymen and what they've done. I wanted to give people a chance to see something funny, have a distraction.

Ben Stiller

#14. John Cleese was a big hero of mine. He grew up in Weston Super Mare near Bristol where I grew up; he was always very tall and gangly, but he was smart and used his physicality in a very funny way. I used to think, 'Well he came from Weston and he did it, so there's a chance for me.'

Stephen Merchant

#15. The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

Dave Attell

#16. Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it' ... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.

Dennis Miller

#17. By(e) pen, I've tried my hand at poetry; only to see how boring it is to me. That is, unless I get a chance to destroy each and every piece while doing it as I please.

Criss Jami

#18. Time moves funny and it's hard to pin down. Occasionally, time offers you a hundred opportunities to do the right thing. Sometimes, it gives you only one chance.

Pat Conroy

#19. When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

Mitch Hedberg

#20. I'm a big comedy nerd, so I'm always looking for the chance to be funny.

Colin Hanks

#21. I don't even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

Shannon L. Alder

#22. I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been so wonderful to me, and it came in the form of that. It's just so funny how things come into your life, and if you take a chance on them, it might give you a brand new life.

Louie Anderson

#23. Look, I had to take chances or it wasn't fun being funny.

Mel Brooks

#24. No they called it the Codex Merlini because it was written by a guy named Ralph.

Karen Chance

#25. So what I do now is to pre-empt that by making the up into a virtue, and telling funny stories about how crap I am before people have a chance to notice it for themselves and think maybe I haven't realised.

Emily Mortimer

#26. Tennis is a funny game, and it takes a life-time of keeping one's eyes open on the circuit to have any chance of understanding the strange phenomena that exist in our exciting sport!

Sania Mirza

#27. The one thing I think I've noticed about shows that are supposed to be funny on television is that they've sort of become routinized, so there's an awful lot of mannerisms and joke lines that are sort of there to trigger laughter, rather than give actors a chance to play a moment.

Alan Alda

#28. It perhaps has a chance, a commercial chance, this film. It's funny, it's charming, the idea is original, it's unusual and it makes fun of the movie industry in a way that it needs to be poked fun at.

Mark Rydell

#29. And it was funny, that they call it falling, because that was what it was. The ground giving up underneath you. The surge of air. He did not stand a chance.

Bill Cheng

#30. (About sweeping) ...
What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.

Terry Pratchett

#31. It's funny. No matter how hard you try, you can't close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what's going to come in. But when it does, you just have to go for it! Because if you don't, there's not point in being here.

Kirstie Alley

#32. The thing is ... I was a very proud girl. I never wanted to take the chance I might get hurt. Isn't that funny? I was game for any exciting adventure that came my way, but when it came to risking my heart, I was a coward.

Nicole Christie

#33. It never ceases to amaze me how many people think I kill for fun."
"Don't you?"
"Well, not just for fun.

Karen Chance

#34. It's funny isn't it? People claim to know what love is
yet the minute they're given the opportunity to prove it
they bail.

Rachel Van Dyken

#35. They're not going to arrest you,' Skulduggery said as they walked through the door. 'They might glare at you and say angry words, but they won't arrest you. Well, they might arrest you. There's a good chance they will. But the important thing is that I've done nothing wrong.'
'For once.

Derek Landy

#36. Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.

Simone Elkeles

#37. It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals.

Craig Bruce

#38. I reach up and pat them both on the head. Poor things. If you had a boy that looked like Logan, you'd be kissing him every chance you had, too.

C.J. Redwine

#39. Think you can maybe not die for five minutes?"
"I'll try,"I told him seriously.
"You know, if anyone else said that, it would be funny.

Karen Chance

#40. What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.

Haven Kimmel

#41. Men can beat each other to a pulp and still walk away friends. With a woman, once an enemy, always an enemy. Women will sit like a spider, for years, waiting for the chance to strike. They never forget and seldom forgive.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#42. I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really funny. So with 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life', it was fun to let loose.

James Patterson

#43. It's funny, because in 1970 I met the Beatles quite by a chance at a party. It was the Beethoven bicentenary, and I was then also playing the Beethoven Sonatas. And that's all they wanted to hear about - I wanted to talk about them, and all they wanted to talk about was Beethoven.

Daniel Barenboim

#44. I can't go on Gawker. I actually think the writing is really funny, but there is a chance that somebody is undercutting me.

Zooey Deschanel

#45. I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny ... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

Demetri Martin

#46. Promise me, Amelie, that you'll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love."
"I hardly think there's any chance of that," Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.

Rachel Caine

#47. Well sue me for staring. I'd be willing to scrub away my shame on his washboard abs.

Tia Giacalone

#48. Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.

Conan O'Brien

#49. It's funny how much of childhood is about proximity. Like who your best friend is is directly correlated to how close your houses are; who you sit next to in music is all about how close your names are in the alphabet. Such a game of chance.

Jenny Han

#50. You know, I was gutting this loser the other day, and I thought, It'd be more fun fighting that little dhampir. I wonder if she's recovered yet. And here you are."
"Lucky me," I said.
Scarface grinned. "You know, I might even let you live. You're funny.

Karen Chance

#51. Pritkin muttered something that sounded fairly vicious. "My clothes are warded! Even if I wished to accede to your demand, it would not work on them."
"Then strip."
"I beg your pardon?" He sounded almost polite suddenly, as if he believed he couldn't possibly have heard right.

Karen Chance

#52. I could've knocked the shit out of her .She'd have good reason to roll her eyes then. But knocking the shit out of rude people wasn't my style. Heckling them every chance I got was.
Hopefully she'd screw up soon. I didn't have all day.

Darynda Jones

#53. Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal.

Bauvard

#54. If you spelled George Morgan wrong on Google it didn't say, "Did you mean George Morgan?" It simply replied, "Run while you still have the chance.

Tara Sivec

#55. The Princess Bride
S. Morgenstern's
Classic Tale of True Love
and High Adventure
You had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone had a chance to read it.

William Goldman

#56. It's funny to think of Dave Chappelle's show and how popular it was and he was before YouTube. I would imagine 'Chappelle's Show' would be even more giant if there was a chance to put his stuff online and pass it around.

Paul Scheer

#57. I think what is important for things to be funny is if you the listener, or the reader, get a chance to supply the humor of it yourself.

Ian Frazier

#58. Take them off!" I told him, grabbing the front of his jeans. "Take everything off!"
"I'm trying!"
"Try harder!

Karen Chance

#59. She's laughing at me. "What's funny, Gidget?" "You love me." I laugh back. "I do, and I'm going to show you just how much every chance I get.

J.A. Huss

#60. I don't get a chance to be funny on camera as often as I would like.

William Sadler

#61. I'm a terrible person. I should have stayed in college. I should have gone skydiving while I had the chance. I should have gone swimming with dolphins. I should have seen The Spice Girls perform on their reunion tour!

Jillianne Hamilton