Funny British Quotes

#1. British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

Peter Ustinov

#2. We thought being offered the M.B.E. [Member of the Order of the British Empire] was as funny as everybody else thought it was. Why? What for? We didn't believe it. It was a part we didn't want. We all met and agreed it was daft.

John Lennon

#3. British politics, as the world knows, is a joke. Yet it's rarely funny.

Morrissey

#4. Emily's ginger brows were knit tight, the edges of each almost meeting over the bridge of her pert nose. You know I will, you daft baggage. As if we have any other option.

Kady Cross

#5. The British are so funny.

Rose Byrne

#6. Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

Frankie Boyle

#7. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Steven Wright

#8. There is nobody as hopelessly vulgar as a British aristocrat ...

Charles Finch

#9. British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Jimmy Carr

#10. He was flying over India now, still making notes. He remembered hearing an Indian politician on TV talking about the British prime minister and being unable to pronounce her name properly. "Mrs. Torture," he kept saying. "Mrs. Margaret Torture." This was unaccountably funny.

Salman Rushdie

#11. He looks like a horse in a man costume!

Dylan Moran

#12. You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."

Jim Gaffigan

#13. British humour is very cruel. It's my favourite kind of humour; if it isn't cruel and funny it doesn't really cut the cake for me.

Jason Sellards

#14. I still read the British papers, but I've never been a Royalist, ever. It's funny, there always seems to be much more of a fascination with the Royal Family over here then there does in England.

Paul Bettany

#15. Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

Craig Ferguson

#16. It was Nick Willing's intention to make 'Hatter' as sarcastically British funny as he could.

Andrew-Lee Potts

#17. We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves's British accent and Gary Oldman's elderly Count Dracula hairstyle. They're just misleading.

Molly Harper

#18. Henry Denton: You Brits really don't have a sense of humor do you?
Elsie: We do if something's funny, sir.

Julian Fellowes

#19. Caroline's lips thinned, her face flushed. "My husband, sir, has more secrets in his tiny, insignificant mind than the entire British War Department has had on file since its inception." She huffed with pure, disgusted outrage, lowering her gaze to the floor to murmur, "I'll kill him.

Adele Ashworth

#20. It was a typically British birth ... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward ... I came out in sympathy.

Bob Hope

#21. What did the soup say to the tea plate?
"You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

Ana Claudia Antunes

#22. I feel that a lot of British comedy is often too bombastic, too obvious, dressing up and shouting and pulling funny faces.

Ricky Gervais

#23. British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death

John Oliver

#24. I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

Woody Allen

#25. If they wanted their shit stirred, then stirred their shit was jolly well going to be.

Stephen Clarke

#26. Years ago, there was a variety theatre in every British town, and people paid to go down and see it. Comedy was the main part of the theatre, and comedians earned a living by being funny. Now you have comedy in television instead. Comedians now have to be funny within a play.

Norman Wisdom

#27. I guess something that I've noticed from American acts who had success in touring is more of an explanation as to their music. Which is I think quite funny. I think British acts might like to leave more to the imagination - maybe a bit more obscure perhaps - a bit more shy.

Ben Lovett

#28. It's a funny thing, 'The Office,' because millions and millions and millions and millions of people didn't watch it. But culturally, it is more of a phenomenon than almost anything else I can remember as far as British television is concerned.

Martin Freeman

#29. We British say "to put the world to rights." I've discovered that that's not the way Americans say it and people scratch their heads and say, "Funny ... what does he mean by that?" It means to fix the thing, to make it all better again.

N. T. Wright

#30. Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.

Conan O'Brien