Top 100 Steven Wright Quotes: Famous Quotes & Sayings About Steven Wright

#1. By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

#2. The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

Demetri Martin

#3. When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'That's what I should do; I should write one-liners.' And I did. My first album is mostly one-liners.

Mike Birbiglia

#4. I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.

David Cross

#5. I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

Demetri Martin

#6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - STEVEN WRIGHT

Darynda Jones

#7. Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.

Louis C.K.

#8. I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.

Mike Birbiglia

#9. I love Steven Wright.

Demetri Martin

#10. Some of my biggest influences are people like Steven Wright and Todd Berry. I'm a shy person, and I don't think people who aspire to do comedy think that's an option.

Ron Funches

#11. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

#12. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Steven Wright

#13. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

Steven Wright

#14. Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal ... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

Steven Wright

#15. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Steven Wright

#16. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Steven Wright

#17. I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

#18. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

#19. Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.

Steven Wright

#20. When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

Steven Wright

#21. I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

#22. How young can you die of old age?

Steven Wright

#23. I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Steven Wright

#24. Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

#25. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Steven Wright

#26. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Steven Wright

#27. If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell.

Steven Wright

#28. I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

Steven Wright

#29. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Steven Wright

#30. I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Steven Wright

#31. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Steven Wright

#32. I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Steven Wright

#33. It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Steven Wright

#34. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Steven Wright

#35. When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Steven Wright

#36. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright

#37. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Steven Wright

#38. I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

Steven Wright

#39. My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Steven Wright

#40. I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

Steven Wright

#41. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Steven Wright

#42. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Steven Wright

#43. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Steven Wright

#44. Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Steven Wright

#45. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Steven Wright

#46. I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Steven Wright

#47. I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

Steven Wright

#48. What's another word for thesaurus?

Steven Wright

#49. Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

Steven Wright

#50. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Steven Wright

#51. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Steven Wright

#52. How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Steven Wright

#53. I saw 'Tintin' in Europe - it is 'Indiana Jones' on steroids. Unbelievable. What a fantastic movie. Steven Spielberg, you rock the house. And working with those young English guys like Edgar Wright, and also Peter Jackson; what a great combination.

Harvey Weinstein

#54. You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

#55. I took my dog for a walk ... all the way from New York to Florida ... I said to him "There now you're done."

Steven Wright

#56. One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

Steven Wright

#57. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Steven Wright

#58. I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Steven Wright

#59. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Steven Wright

#60. The speed of time is one second per second.

Steven Wright

#61. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

#62. Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

Steven Wright

#63. They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

Steven Wright

#64. Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Wright

#65. The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Steven Wright

#66. The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Steven Wright

#67. I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

Steven Wright

#68. If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Steven Wright

#69. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Steven Wright

#70. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Steven Wright

#71. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

Steven Wright

#72. If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Steven Wright

#73. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Steven Wright

#74. I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

Steven Wright

#75. I washed mud off of mud.

Steven Wright

#76. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone ... when I came back the entire area was missing ...

Steven Wright

#77. Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Steven Wright

#78. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Steven Wright

#79. If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

Steven Wright

#80. Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Steven Wright

#81. Today I dialed a wrong number ... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ... They said, "Uh ... I don't think so ... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Steven Wright

#82. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

Steven Wright

#83. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Steven Wright

#84. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright

#85. If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

Steven Wright

#86. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

#87. So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

Steven Wright

#88. I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

Steven Wright

#89. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Steven Wright

#90. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Steven Wright

#91. The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Steven Wright

#92. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Steven Wright

#93. It's a fine night to have an evening.

Steven Wright

#94. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Steven Wright

#95. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Steven Wright