Top 100 Stanhope's Quotes
#1. Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
#2. I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Doug Stanhope
#3. There is time enough for everything, in the course of the day, if you do but one thing at once; but there is not time enough in they year, if you will do two things at a time.
Philip Dormer Stanhope
#4. Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.
Doug Stanhope
#5. Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up ... there are too many people.
Doug Stanhope
#6. There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.
Doug Stanhope
#7. To love, to be loved, and to be useful: these are the most important elements in a happy, meaningful life, and they can be achieved anywhere.
Syrie James
#8. If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Doug Stanhope
#9. [Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.
Doug Stanhope
#10. I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.
Doug Stanhope
#11. I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
Doug Stanhope
#13. I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Doug Stanhope
#14. The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.
Doug Stanhope
#16. Every vice is already a punishment in itself ... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Doug Stanhope
#17. If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
Doug Stanhope
#18. America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
Doug Stanhope
#19. Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
#20. Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
#21. I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
Doug Stanhope
#22. I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.
Doug Stanhope
#23. I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
Doug Stanhope
#24. A weak mind is like a microscope, which magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive great ones.
Philip Dormer Stanhope
#25. But a young man should be ambitious to shine, and excel; alert, active, and indefatigable in the means of doing it.
Philip Dormer Stanhope
#26. Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
Doug Stanhope
#27. Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
#28. I shall go on making sublime and philosophical discoveries, and employing myself in deep, abstract studies.
Lady Hester Stanhope
#29. Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.
Doug Stanhope
#30. That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
Doug Stanhope
#31. Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD
Doug Stanhope
#33. You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger ... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Doug Stanhope
#34. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
Doug Stanhope
#36. Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
#37. I recommend to you to take care of the minutes; for hours will take care of themselves. I am very sure, that many people lose two or three hours every day, by not taking care of the minutes.
Philip Dormer Stanhope
#38. They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts ... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.
Doug Stanhope
#39. I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
Doug Stanhope
#40. My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
Doug Stanhope
#41. I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
Doug Stanhope
#42. Education is all paint - it does not alter the nature of the wood that lies under it, it only improves its appearance a little. Why I dislike education so much is, that it makes all people alike, until you have examined into them; and it sometimes is so long before you get to see under the varnish!
Lady Hester Stanhope
#43. I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
Doug Stanhope
#44. If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.
Doug Stanhope
#45. Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing ... fight to get new weirder ones ... and weirder establishments to do them in.
Doug Stanhope
#46. There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
Doug Stanhope
#47. There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
Doug Stanhope
#48. In matters of religion and matrimony I never give advice, because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.
Philip Dormer Stanhope
#49. I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
Doug Stanhope
#50. Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Doug Stanhope
#51. I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope
#52. That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
#53. I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse ... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
#54. I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me ... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
Doug Stanhope
#55. Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
#57. Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
#59. There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
Doug Stanhope
#60. Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
Doug Stanhope
#61. If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
Doug Stanhope
#62. There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
Doug Stanhope
#63. The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
#64. I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.
Doug Stanhope
#65. "This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
Doug Stanhope
#66. I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Doug Stanhope
#67. A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
Doug Stanhope
#68. Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it's sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Doug Stanhope
#69. He's my usual type of fan ... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
#70. Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s ... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.
Doug Stanhope
#71. Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
Doug Stanhope
#72. I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
Doug Stanhope
#73. I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
#74. Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.
Doug Stanhope
#75. There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.
Doug Stanhope
#76. I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
#77. There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
Doug Stanhope
#78. Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.
Doug Stanhope
#79. The world is a country which nobody ever yet knew by description; one must travel through it one's self to be acquainted with it.
Philip Dormer Stanhope
#80. It is only the vulgar who are always fancying themselves insulted. If a man treads on another's toe in good society, do you think it is taken as an insult?
Lady Hester Stanhope
#81. If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
Doug Stanhope
#82. "Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
Doug Stanhope
#83. How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.
Doug Stanhope
#84. Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.
Doug Stanhope
#85. I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
Doug Stanhope
#86. I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Doug Stanhope
#87. Accept a miracle, instead of wit See two dull lines, with Stanhope's pencil writ.
Edward Young
#88. I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Doug Stanhope
#89. A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.
Doug Stanhope
#90. The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.
Doug Stanhope
#91. The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
#92. If you can once engage people's pride, love, pity, ambition (or whatever is their prevailing passion) on your side, you need not fear what their reason can do against you.
Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl Of Chesterfield
#93. When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Doug Stanhope
#94. You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best ... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
#95. I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!
Doug Stanhope
#96. Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
Doug Stanhope
#97. I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.
Doug Stanhope
#98. You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.
Doug Stanhope
#99. Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
Doug Stanhope
#100. I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
Doug Stanhope
