Top 100 Doug Stanhope Quotes
#1. If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope
#2. Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?
Doug Stanhope
#4. Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
Doug Stanhope
#5. I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
Doug Stanhope
#6. All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.
Doug Stanhope
#7. Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.
Doug Stanhope
#8. Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
#9. Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
#10. What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
Doug Stanhope
#11. I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me ... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
Doug Stanhope
#12. I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse ... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
#13. That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
#14. Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
#15. I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope
#16. I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, Gay pride, white power! just to confuse people.
Doug Stanhope
#17. Paralympics ... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
Doug Stanhope
#18. The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
Doug Stanhope
#19. The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.
Doug Stanhope
#20. Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Doug Stanhope
#21. Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.
Doug Stanhope
#22. I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.
Doug Stanhope
#23. Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met
Doug Stanhope
#24. I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.
Doug Stanhope
#25. The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
Doug Stanhope
#26. If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
Doug Stanhope
#27. Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Doug Stanhope
#28. I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.
Doug Stanhope
#29. The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
#30. Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.
Doug Stanhope
#31. I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
Doug Stanhope
#32. There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
Doug Stanhope
#33. Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
Doug Stanhope
#34. The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
Doug Stanhope
#35. Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Doug Stanhope
#36. If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.
Doug Stanhope
#37. If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?
Doug Stanhope
#38. One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
Doug Stanhope
#39. It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
Doug Stanhope
#40. Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
Doug Stanhope
#41. There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
Doug Stanhope
#42. Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?
Doug Stanhope
#45. Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
Doug Stanhope
#46. Children are like poems. They're beautiful
to their creators
but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
Doug Stanhope
#47. If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
#48. Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
Doug Stanhope
#49. I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
Doug Stanhope
#50. My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.
Doug Stanhope
#51. Every vice is already a punishment in itself ... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Doug Stanhope
#52. Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD
Doug Stanhope
#53. That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
Doug Stanhope
#54. Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.
Doug Stanhope
#55. Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
#56. Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
Doug Stanhope
#57. I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
Doug Stanhope
#58. I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.
Doug Stanhope
#59. I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
Doug Stanhope
#60. Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
#61. Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
#62. America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
Doug Stanhope
#63. If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
Doug Stanhope
#64. You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger ... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Doug Stanhope
#66. The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.
Doug Stanhope
#67. I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Doug Stanhope
#68. I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
Doug Stanhope
#69. I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.
Doug Stanhope
#70. [Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.
Doug Stanhope
#71. If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Doug Stanhope
#72. There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.
Doug Stanhope
#73. Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up ... there are too many people.
Doug Stanhope
#74. Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.
Doug Stanhope
#75. I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Doug Stanhope
#76. The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Doug Stanhope
#77. Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?
Doug Stanhope
#78. Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?
Doug Stanhope
#79. Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.
Doug Stanhope
#80. I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
Doug Stanhope
#81. Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
#82. I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope
#83. There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
Doug Stanhope
#84. What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
Doug Stanhope
#85. What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
Doug Stanhope
#86. There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
Doug Stanhope
#87. Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing ... fight to get new weirder ones ... and weirder establishments to do them in.
Doug Stanhope
#88. Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.
Doug Stanhope
#89. Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
#90. People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.
Doug Stanhope
#91. Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.
Doug Stanhope
#92. Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
#93. If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.
Doug Stanhope
#94. I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
Doug Stanhope
#95. I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
Doug Stanhope
#96. My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
Doug Stanhope
#97. I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
Doug Stanhope
#98. They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts ... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.
Doug Stanhope
#99. Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
#100. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
Doug Stanhope
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