Not Joking Quotes

#1. Well, I live a double life. Tonight, I'll escort you to dinner. Then I have to rush home and finish my calculus homework.'
'You're not joking, are you?'
'I never joke about calculus homework.

Rick Riordan

#2. Is it because she's a challenge to you?" she asked, not looking away. "Because if you're going out with her because she's not easy, I swear to God, I will cut you."
I burst into laughter. "Cut me?"
Her eyes narrowed. "I'm not joking.

J. Lynn

#3. I'm not joking around when I've said occasionally, trying to learn how to play a D chord properly has been a very big thing for me.

Lou Reed

#4. Well I'm a 5 year old at heart; I still think that there is a monster under my bed - and I'm not joking. It's pathetic, it's really not cute.

Eva Mendes

#5. Truly, I'm not joking when I thank my lucky stars for the awful operation I had, since it has made me young again and philosophical which means that I don't want to fritter away the new lease on life I've been given.

Henri Matisse

#6. My ideal type of women? A person who is completely into me. It's fine even if she's so into me that it's a bit strange. She doesn't spend time with friends, she doesn't go out, but instead is unconditionally attached to me. I'm not joking. I really want someone like that.

Lee Joon

#7. I can't imagine not joking even at the worst of times. And for me, it's sort of automatic.

Elizabeth McCracken

#8. I'm not joking you. I never joke people. Joke people and you make enemies. That's what I always say.

Ernest Hemingway,

#9. I read all the speeches of the pope, his commentaries, and if the pope continues this way, I will go back to praying and go back to the church, and I'm not joking,

Raul Castro

#10. In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking.

Joe Biden

#11. The happiness and the joy that I see in the eyes of the children. They saved my life so I want to, give it back. I'm not joking.

Michael Jackson

#12. When Henry Ford said, "The customer can have a car in any color as long as it's black," he was not joking.

Peter Drucker

#13. When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.

John Oliver

#14. I'm going to kiss you," he says.
Oh Jesus, is this happening? I'm not going to survive this.
"Please tell me you're not joking," I whisper.

Karina Halle

#15. I've seen 'Pride and Prejudice' about 4,000 times. I'm not joking: I know every single line.

Claire Foy

#16. You should hear what my parents wanted to call me. It was between Brown Rice, Neon Hitch and Z. Ziggurat Zanzibar Zandorf. I'm not joking. Imagine fitting that on my passport!

Neon Hitch

#17. Why the hell are you wearing it on your left hand? I swear to God, if you're married I'm going to kick your ass. I'm not joking.

Abi Ketner

#18. How do you know when a woman wants to kill you?" Rand mused. "When she knows your name?" Dobraine did not sound as if he were joking.

Robert Jordan

#19. I'm joking, it's not really hell," the voice went on. "It's worse than hell, not that I've ever actually been there. You're in Villete.

Paulo Coelho

#20. I might literally fall over dead if I meet Oprah Winfrey. I'm kind of joking, but I'm not confident that wouldn't happen.

Uzo Aduba

#21. I will see you again," Hades promised. "I will prepare a room for you at the palace in case you do not survive. Perhaps your chambers would look good decorated with the skulls of monks."
"Now I can't tell if you're joking.

Rick Riordan

#22.
Even losing you (a joking voice, a gesture/ I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident/ the art of losing's not too hard to master/ though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop

#23. I was a vampire, and ... someone was trying to call me?
When my parents had said that not even death could pry me from my mobile phone, I'd thought they were joking. I wriggled around in the narrow coffin until I could reach the ringing handset.

Helen Keeble

#24. I love Twitter. My favorite thing to do these days is to tweet things that seem very questionable as to whether I'm joking or not.

Max Greenfield

#25. Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

Amy Sedaris

#26. Excuse me?" Jess asked in disbelief. "This is Frozen Zarek I'm talking to, right? Not some weird pod person?"
He shook his head at Jess's joking. "It's me, dickless."
"Hey, now, that's way too personal. I don't need to know that much about you.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#27. I keep joking that I'm in Jason Reitman Film School, because I keep asking him questions every single day about directing and I have a list of things that he's told me to do and not do and I definitely couldn't learn from a better person.

Diablo Cody

#28. It is unpardonable conceit not to laugh at your own jokes. Joking is undignified; that is why it is so good for one's soul. Do not fancy you can be a detached wit and avoid being a buffoon; you cannot. If you are the Court Jester you must be the Court Fool.

Gilbert K. Chesterton

#29. You certainly are Lord Know-It-All this evening, aren't you?"
"Only when necessary. Otherwise I try not to let my brilliance overshadow my giving and loving nature.

G.A. Aiken

#30. Fred, you next," the plump woman said.
"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"
"Sorry, George, dear."
"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.

J.K. Rowling

#31. Not all journalists are really journalists. They ask such stupid questions sometimes, especially the newer ones, and because ... these people can't tell if you're joking around, you just can't have any sense of humour; you really can't.

Ray Liotta

#32. And Johnson, genuinely hated by his opponent and the crowd, still enjoying every minute of it. Smiling, joking, playing the whole fight. Why not? There's no value in any other reaction. Should he hate them for hating him? Bitterness was their burden and Johnson refused to pick it up.

Ryan Holiday

#33. So ... you don't like dismembering?"
"No."
"Evisceration?"
"Not so much." He laughed like he thought she was joking. "I'm a dull sorta guy."
"Yeah, kinda.

Dia Reeves

#34. It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself.

Salvador Dali

#35. I steal, Winkle said, with a smile that said I'm joking and a glint in his eye that said I'm not.

Orson Scott Card

#36. Hope you two boys can dig. There'll be some digging to do." "Graves?" Eddie asked, not sure if he was joking or not. "Graves come later." Roland looked up at the sky, but the clouds had advanced out of the west and stolen the stars. "Just remember, it's the winners who dig them.

Stephen King

#37. Life is too short not to do a little practical joking.

Krista Allen

#38. Popped a handful of pills, washing them down with a bottle of water. It was Yolanda. The officers and BH team were standing not twenty feet away from her and didn't recognize her. They were laughing and joking. I need to get there, now. This isn't a joke.

Victor Methos

#39. As professionals, we just try to keep the jokes to a minimum, when we're in a certain situation. When we're not doing that, we're joking.

Mike Colter

#40. Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break ... juggle something.

Dom Irrera

#41. So what's going on?" Livy asked after spitting out a bit more blood.
"Got a job for you."
"Will I be whoring?"
"Not this time. I'm sorry."
"You know how I love to whore," Livy stated with that flat tone that freaked people out, because no one ever knew whether she was joking or not.

Shelly Laurenston

#42. Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?"
"Yeah," I say. "As long as it's not in your house and you don't know about it, you're okay with us messin' around."
"I know you're joking with me. You are joking with me, aren't you?"
"Maybe.

Simone Elkeles

#43. Well, in some ways I had sort of the opposite experience of other people that are sort of dreaming of being in a rock band. I was dreaming of like corporate lunches and just like, and I'm not really joking. Like the whole idea to me was really appealing.

Carrie Brownstein

#44. His joy was a release of Paul's conversion, not the heavy backslapping practical-joking humor of the Victorians, nor the cynical satire or the flippancy of the twenty first century mass media, just the gift of not taking himself or his adversaries too seriously.

John Charles Pollock

#45. Ellie?" he said. Just the reflection of his ice-blue irises seared through me. "Do you know what's coming?" "Goodbye?" I said, only half-joking. Jubal smiled, concentrating again on the road. "Maybe not.

Jamie McGuire

#46. When I write on 'SNL,' I've found I'm most productive while collaborating and joking with friends and not being firmly attached to any one idea.

Cecily Strong

#47. I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, 'Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking.'

Anna Torv

#48. Love is such a confusing word. You think I'm joking but I'm not.

Michael Showalter

#49. A lot of people are joking about the Windows 10 error message that says 'Something Happened'. Well, that's not on me. My original idea was to not have any errors at all, and for the operating system to be called Windows RT ME One.

Satya Nadella

#50. I'm not one of those people who are, like, always joking in person.

Dave Franco

#51. I just want to make sure that he treats you right! I can't let my little girl get hurt!"
" ... I can't even tell if you're joking or not.

August Westman