Humorous Fiction Quotes

#1. Many great people had been considered to be boring, like Nigel Mansell, but anyone who had read the racing driver's autobiography, "Clutch Down, Dick Out", would know that perception was way off the mark.

Mark Jackman

#2. A nose is ordinarily naked. A nose isn't
nipple, although there are similarities.

Graham Spaid

#3. What do writers look like?

Graham Spaid

#4. Why, oh why was I standing entranced when I should have been releasing my inner she wolf on his arse?

Lilly James

#5. You know what people are doing on the other side of the world, what's happening on another planet, but not what's going on inside the person next to you.

Graham Spaid

#6. Basset Hounds never get scared. We're fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop.

Elias Zapple

#7. He is the biggest asshole on the planet," Jarod says. "And in a planet that's currently drowning in assholes, that's saying a lot.

Siobhan Davis

#8. Closed head trauma is about as much fun as nude paintballing.

D.C. Farmer

#9. Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

Chuck Palahniuk

#10. His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

Mark Jackman

#11. I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

George Carlin

#12. Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

Erma Bombeck

#13. The emotion was the most important thing.

Graham Spaid

#14. Trust me, I write fiction.

Rob Mahan

#15. ... he'd assumed their relationship would go on forever. It was going on now, but in another way, like the rearrangement of the stars, which were all still in the sky, just burning in unexpected places.

Graham Spaid

#16. F***ing triffids.

Scott B. Pruden

#17. The sexual contact before this?
"It was the first time."
The woman looked at Rat again, harder. The silence was more painful than the words. What she had just heard went beyond plain immorality. It was ridiculous.

Graham Spaid

#18. Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants.

Evangeline Anderson

#19. It is humiliating to have to confess that this conceit of Peter was one of his most fascinating qualities. To put it with brutal frankness, there never was a cockier boy.

J.M. Barrie

#20. But this bus was a bit too full. The driver only appeared to control the glass and metal around him. In reality, he was at the nose of a travelling paroxysm.

Graham Spaid

#21. I engage in subtle stalking. That's entirely different and perfectly socially acceptable.

Siobhan Davis

#22. Ven you read the speeches in the papers, and see as vun gen'lman says of another, 'the Honourable member, if he vill allow me to call him so' you vill understand, sir, that that means, 'if he vill allow me to keep up that 'ere pleasant and uniwersal fiction.'

Charles Dickens

#23. The world is indeed a cold, hard stone.

Graham Spaid

#24. Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones.

Scott B. Pruden

#25. Clearly, we're supposed to be together. If this were the internet, seventeen-year-old girls would be writing slash fiction about us as we speak.

Vaughn R. Demont

#26. I've become remarkably good at blocking impossibly bizarre happenings from my consciousness. Denial can be a beautiful thing.

M.A. George

#27. Are you in any pain? (Ariana Skyee)
Only my heart. (Cal Remus)

Siobhan Davis

#28. Superfast beings shouldn't piss off the comics geek-girl.

Gini Koch

#29. You didn't just accidentally win my favor," I dispute, slowly shaking my
forehead against his.
"You earned it. Now, if I can just save your life twenty or thirty more times ... We might actually be able to call it even.

M.A. George

#30. Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

Christina Scalise

#31. Halt! We are attempting an arrest!"

"Yeah, we're aware," Quinn muttered under her breath.

Ash Gray

#32. Space: the gaping hole between land and other land.

SE Zbasnik

#33. Olga was better, in the sun, where he could see every pore in her skin. Get closer. Feel her next to him. It was all he wanted in the world. It was the last thing in the world that he could do.

Graham Spaid

#34. A weapon needs a wielder; it should not be permitted to start its own fights."
"You are not my wielder; you are naught, a forgotten ghost, not even a memory."
"Maybe, but you are still a weapon.

Angelo Tsanatelis

#35. His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don't - it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

Jen Naumann

#36. You are a curse in my life!

Charles Perrault

#37. The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.

Douglas Adams

#38. Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord.

Brenda Sutton Rose

#39. ... but some say that reality is what happens inside a writer's head, and it is fiction which takes place outside it.

Barry A. Whittingham

#40. What happens," called out Max, "if you win?"
"We die anyway, but I become legend" I explained

Philip Palmer

#41. Believe in something, and let that something be yourself.

Harley Brooks

#42. A layer of fine powder coats his skin.
"My lungs are turning to concrete," Rob wheezes, hacking and spitting.
"So are my eyes. How do I always get roped into these things?" Avery coughs and pats Rob's back in sympathy. A poof of dust billows from the contact.

Laura Kreitzer

#43. Veil wouldn't make his military invincible, but it would render every other military indefensible. Veil was it. Game over, fuckholes.

Aaron Overfield

#44. The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

Scott B. Pruden

#45. I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

G.D. Falksen

#46. Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.

E.J. Stevens

#47. Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.

Shomprakash Sinha Roy

#48. The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart," the inventor said. "The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

Mark Jackman

#49. Fiction is but a moment of bliss that takes the pain away...Like a cookie for the soul...

Leona Keyoko Pink

#50. We put our flags in soil when we
arrive, as if it now belongs to us and we know where we are.

Graham Spaid

#51. Machines can't lie," I said, lying through my circuits.

Adam Christopher

#52. The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.

Mark Jackman

#53. We just move on, don't we, with traitors still amongst us? But there was one thought that wouldn't go away. If I loved him, I would forgive him.

Graham Spaid