Top 100 Funny E-commerce Quotes
#1. Thought for the day: Twitter ... 140 character limit ... must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers ...
E.A. Bucchianeri
#2. Which weakness shall I tell her? "I walk funny," I say, and she's satisfied with that. (inside joke)
Mary E. Pearson
#3. He's a little more ... psychotic than usual," Tom said quietly.
"How so?"
"He took C-4 to bed with him."
Prophet shrugged. "He's always done that.
S.E. Jakes
#4. Clare's been called a lot of things- smart and funny, driven and talented- but memorable certainly isn't one of them. The most important things about her- the ones she's most proud of- are apparent only once you get to know her.
Jennifer E. Smith
#5. Ayden and I clapped our hands over our ears when the shrieking started.
"Yes. I can see that you're enthused," Jayden tried to speak over the girls' squealing, "but you need - "
Danica snatched the backstage passes from Jayden. "No way!"
"Uh, yes. Way?" Jayden said.
A&E Kirk
#6. An artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#7. You think he left a big flashing arrow pointing to a filing cabinet labeled 'Evidence Here!'? He's a Stray, Ethan, not Wile E. Coyote!
Rachel Vincent
#8. I believe our differences are the little pinches of salt that can make the marriage seem more flavorful.
James E. Faust
#9. If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#10. Where's the ice cream?"
"In the oven.
E.L. James
#13. Dear Hope, I NEVER thought Id see the day when two of your daily e-mails sandwiched a message from none other than PAUL PARLIPIANO. My crush to end all crushes! Gay man of my dreams! OOOH!
Megan McCafferty
#14. Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.
Joe E. Lewis
#15. The important thing for any writer to remember is to take the writing seriously, but not the writer.
A.E. Poynor
#16. Penumbra [...] produces another e-reader - it's a Nook. Then another one, a Sony. Another one, marked KOBO. Really? Who has a Kobo?
Robin Sloan
#17. We didn't-?" I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can't complete the question. I stare at my hands.
"Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive," he says dryly.
E.L. James
#18. Why can't I be admitted to the ... bosom of the operation?" I leaned toward him but almost started to laugh because "bosom" was such a funny word and my innuendo was more Tina Fey than Angelina Jolie.
Claire Gillian
#19. I'd rather be ignored as a frog than eaten as a human.
E.D. Baker
#20. Why did Nicky call me the Baby Killer?" Kiara sniffled.
"Because she is a bitch," Leontes said.
Jaeger gave him a chastising look. "She's dead."
"Dying did not make her any less of a bitch," Leontes replied.
A&E Kirk
#21. I have a funny side. I have a soft and sympathetic side. I have a serious side, and a seriously romantic side. I have lots of sides; it's the main course I haven't quite figured out.
Richelle E. Goodrich
#22. A man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#23. I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the greatest artistic minds of the world?
E.A. Bucchianeri
#24. By(e) pen, I've tried my hand at poetry; only to see how boring it is to me. That is, unless I get a chance to destroy each and every piece while doing it as I please.
Criss Jami
#25. It's funny how we don't recognize our own reflections, but the one thing about them is they never lie.
Jewel E. Ann
#27. If you want to see something funny, it's a tough hood sticking his tongue out at his big brother.
S.E. Hinton
#28. It's funny; in this era of e-mail and voice mail and all those things that even I did not grow up with, a plain old paper letter takes on amazing intimacy.
Elizabeth Kostova
#29. If that's the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake," Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, "I'm all for fighting tyranny and oppression.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#30. A whoosh and the lines of fire sucked back toward Ayden, flames disappearing into his hands. Back to normal.
"Ayden's the most visually effective," Matthias said.
A burning scent lingered but no damage to the "hottie" in front of me. I know, I know, but I couldn't resist.
A&E Kirk
#31. Coveralls," I reply, and I know I'm no longer screening what's coming out of my mouth.
He raises a eyebrow, amused yet again.
"You wouldn't want to ruin your clothing." I gesture vaguely in the direction of his jeans.
"I could always take them off." He smirks.
E.L. James
#32. Your wit never ceases to underwhelm me.
A&E Kirk
#33. Lila!" he said cheerfully. "So you aren't a figment of my brothers imagination after all.
V.E Schwab
#34. The funny thing about life is, there's nothing better to do than live it.
D.E. Navarro
#35. The cross had slipped back onto my chest. I unclasped it and after wrapping the chain around the metal, tucked it into my bra
A&E Kirk
#36. Even if a farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start.
E.W. Howe
#37. He once again pointed to that creepy theatrical smile. There were way too many teeth there. It made him look positively demented.
Richard E. Gropp
#38. I love you because you loved me first. Yet you love me, saying I loved you first. Funny, our love thrives believing the other person started it.
Richelle E. Goodrich
#39. Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter ... with alliteration, no less!
E.A. Bucchianeri
#40. I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".
Carla H. Krueger
#41. You are not to say 'stink,' " interrupted Helen; "at least, you may say it, but you must pretend you are being funny while you say it.
E. M. Forster
#42. True charity ought to begin in marriage, for it is a relationship that must be rebuilt every day.
James E. Faust
#43. I don't know how many times a phone call or e-mail starts with, "I don't agree with anything you say but you're funny as hell so I listen to your show, I love your show."
Stephanie Miller
#44. A cool hand touched my arm. I jerked back. "Don't! You'll burn!"
"I'm used to it." Ayden's brown eyes twinkled. "In fact, I've been told I'm smokin'." He held out a hand, his voice soft. "By an incredible redhead who I wish, for once, knew she could trust me.
A&E Kirk
#45. The way to keep a cat is to try to chase it away.
E.W. Howe
#46. It sometimes takes days, even weeks, before a dog's nerves tire. In the case of terriers it can run into months.
E.B. White
#47. I shook my head. "Not Interested" I said.
he straightened up. "Not interested in what?"
In you." I couldn't be more blunt.
Excuse me, miss, but I was going to ask if you would like to sign up for karaoke.
Karen E. Olson
#48. Maybe a friend is someone who wants your updates. Even if they're boring. Or sad. Or annoyingly cutesy. A friend says "Sign me up for your boring crap, yes indeed"
because he likes you anyways. He'll tolerate your junk
E. Lockhart
#49. Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney," he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. "You won't believe how many different incorrect ways she spelled hors d'oeuvres within the span of a single paragraph.
Aimee Agresti
#50. Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#51. Kate giggled. "Excellent choice."
"I always make excellent choices."
"I don't know about that."
"Of course I do. I picked ye, didn't I?
Whitney K.E.
#52. ...she thought how funny that the first thing you didn't need was the words you said.
C.E. Morgan
#53. I shot him daggers. Along with swords, scythes, scalpels, shivs, shanks, stilettos, and any other sharp weapon I could think of that began with an s.
A&E Kirk
#54. Stop teasing you two," Suzy jumped in, "not all of Kathy's ideas are wacky."
"Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment?
E.A. Bucchianeri
#55. Son of a - Rora?" Blake slid out of the crater he'd just made in the wall. "Crap. What are you doing here?" He saw my wrist. "Handcuffs? I definitely want that story.
A&E Kirk
#56. It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
Jim Gaffigan
#57. Blake hung an arm on my shoulders. "Alone at last."
"I'm right here," Logan said.
"Maybe you shouldn't be.
A&E Kirk
#58. I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#59. In the dark, Dave reached for Roger's hand as they watched the shadowed lovemaking. "Were we ever that beautiful?"
"You still are," Roger told him.
"Maybe we should make the most of the hurricane."
"This is definitely foreplay."
"It's like Tumblr, the live version.
S.E. Jakes
#60. 'Chappie' would be like 'RoboCop,' but hilarious. If you mixed 'Robocop' with 'E.T.' and it was ... funny, that's what it is.
Neill Blomkamp
#61. I glance down his body. He's still wearing his shorts and his shirt, and I still have my T-shirt on. Jeez
talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
E.L. James
#62. I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.
E.L. James
#63. We're engaged to be engaged, aren't we?
E.D. Baker
#64. Please tell me this is easier to take off than it was to put on."
Calla raised a brow. "You do not think Master Kell knows how?
V.E Schwab
#65. I trust you all slept well," I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich's glare with a tight-lipped grin.
"Yes, we did," Kaden answered quickly.
"I'm sorry to hear that.
Mary E. Pearson
#66. It's because I'm pregnant, Christian."
He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. "If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier.
E.L. James
#67. The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis
#68. Didn't expect to see you here," Jordan said.
My eyes cut to Rachel, and I smiled sweetly. "Obviously. Hey, Rachel. Good to see you again."
Hopefully, Jordan would know what I really meant, which was I'd cut a bitch if I could.
S.E. Harmon
#69. Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#70. Jillian's fine. She's in her room with one of Drew's e- readers."
"Uh oh." Drew sat forward. "Which one?" Audrey tensed.
"The blue one. The mini- tablet?"
"Okay." Drew smiled. "That's fine, then. Porn's on the red one." She stared for a moment.
"Right. I'll remember that.
Susan Sey
#71. You're not celibate, then?" I breathe.
Amusement lights up his eyes.
"No, Anastasia, I'm not celibate.
E.L. James
#72. We thought being offered the M.B.E. [Member of the Order of the British Empire] was as funny as everybody else thought it was. Why? What for? We didn't believe it. It was a part we didn't want. We all met and agreed it was daft.
John Lennon
#73. I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
Mitch Hedberg
#74. You've brushed your teeth," He says, staring at me.
"I used your toothbrush."
His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?
E.L. James
#77. No one messes around with a nerd's computer and escapes unscathed.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#78. Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?" And Grandpa Nate answered, "Why don't you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over again?
E.L. Konigsburg
#79. Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E.B. White
#80. I remember when I took the role on E.R., I thought, 'I haven't really been able to play a working class woman. I've played girls, I've played funny, but I haven't played a working class woman. That sounds like something I'd like to do.'
Linda Cardellini
#81. I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees ...
Mike Birbiglia
#83. A smartphone is an e-toy designed for the lonely inner child hidden in each and everyone of us.
Saurabh Sharma
#84. Knowledge is a funny thing, Auron. The more of it that's in your head, the more your head can hold. It breeds on its own. You never know what the next bit of reading is going to do, what it's going to meet up with in your head and mate.
E.E. Knight
#85. I pull out my e-reader and get back to my fictional boyfriend. Lord knows he won't cheat on me.
M.D. Saperstein
#86. What would you do?"
"Is this one of those morality questions? Cause I got Unsatisfactory on my last few official psych evals when I answered the so-called morality questions.
S.E. Jakes
#87. Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.
Bill Gates
#88. #Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#89. Funny thing how when you reach out, people tend to reach right back. Best, then, to make sure your hand is open and not fisted.
Richelle E. Goodrich
#90. Is it just me, or do you also think this is unnatural behavior in a female parent? Isn't there a federal law that says mothers are not allowed to laugh at vulnerable male children when they are required to wear stupid clothing to work?
There should be.
Ann Edwards Cannon
#91. It seemed funny to me that the sunset she saw from her patio and the one I saw from the back steps was the same one. Maybe the two different worlds we lived in weren't so different. We saw the same sunset.
S.E. Hinton
#92. Funny, I don't particularly care for either "laws" or "order". Liberty is messy. Freedom yields imperfect results.
A.E. Samaan
#93. I'm going to run away now," says Gat. "Don't take it personally."
"Okay."
"It's better for the starting over if I run. Because walking will just be awkward."
"I said okay."
"Okay, then."
And he runs.
E. Lockhart
#94. While you're singing something romantic, I can't get the lyrics to 'Love and Marriage' out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#95. I tucked the feather into my bra, then glanced up at the sudden heavy silence. "What?"
Blake grinned. "What else you got in there? Can I see?"
"Shut up, Blake!" said the rest of the boys.
A&E Kirk
#96. Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn't like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn't like pancakes?
A. J. Jacobs
#97. I start laughing. You have to laugh. Life is just funny sometimes. As long as you remember.
E.R. Frank
#98. I actually feel like, for a lot of my career, I wasn't able to show my comedic range. I did a lot of dramas and dramedies. I was on 'E.R.' That's not generally thought of as a funny show.
Busy Philipps
#100. The funny thing about an impossibility is that it tends to be a magnet for those who would prove it otherwise.
Richelle E. Goodrich
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