Top 100 Fiction Humour Quotes
#1. But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.
Terry Pratchett
#2. I don't know if you've ever been covered head to toe in prickle bush, but let me tell you, it's not a pleasant experience, as I'm sure you can imagine.
Elizabeth Newton
#3. There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an 'idea'. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave.
Leah Broadby
#4. But first I had to get through the ironing. It took a lot of patience. I had none. It took forever, and then I had to press the whole shirt again to get out the creases I'd pressed into it.
Jennifer Echols
#5. It's not really wine," he said. "It's Diet Coke. And if anyone ever serves you brown wine with a foamy head, send it back.
Jennifer Echols
#6. That's what I always liked about science fiction - you can make the world end. Humour is my multiple warhead delivery system.
Gary Shteyngart
#7. The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it.
Douglas Adams
#8. You look like a hot tamale."
"That's not really a compliment.
Simone Elkeles
#9. Does Playboy still run fiction?"
"I have absolutely no idea, Melinda," he said, grinning.
Robyn Carr
#10. When life throws shit at you, grow great, big, fuck off roses.
Heather Hill
#11. Fiction is what happens inside a writer's head. Reality takes place outside it
Barry A. Whittingham
#12. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did.
Simone Elkeles
#13. Nanny Ogg was an attractive lady, which is not the same as being beautiful. She fascinated Casanunda. She was an incredibly comfortable person to be around, partly because she had a mind so broad it could accommodate three football fields and a bowling alley.
Terry Pratchett
#15. Duke to Michel: I'm fairly certain that even if
you'd struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors.
Elias Zapple
#16. That was when I realised a sad but incontrovertible truth: I was a geek, and there was no getting around it. I could dress in Kate's clothes, but it didn't make me Kate.
Sharon Sant
#17. This has serveral consequences, starting with screwing over most cryptography algorithms
translation: all your bank account are belong to us
Charles Stross
#18. One word came to mind: pee-yew. Evan tried to place the odor; it wasn't a heap of decayed garbage or that of a spoiled fish. Truth be told, he smelled like rotten cheese.
H.B. Bolton
#19. Boys don't gossip."
"Pah! You don't know us as well as you think."
This was a disturbing prospect.
Jennifer Echols
#20. The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the 'Star Spangled Banner', but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.
Douglas Adams
#22. I didn't wait for Luck. I tore after it with a truck.
A.A. Bell
#23. Matt shrugged. It was a good shrug, too. All it was missing was a beret, a stripy shirt and a Gauloise cigarette.
D.C. Farmer
#24. Space is infinite. To the mind that means freedom, liberation.' So wrote Arisko, our greatest turkle philosopher, in his most famous work, 'Thoughts In A Bathtub'," said Dottia, dreamily, in an inspired state.
Philip Dodd
#25. With every step, I cursed the person who had ever invented the saying: "Speak of the devil". Clearly, they had no sympathy for me!
Adele Rose
#26. The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be.
Bill Bryson
#27. My philosophy in life is to eat, drink and investigate - in that order.
Mel Healy
#28. A text pops up on the screen. It's from Luis. I can't help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.
Luis: Hey
Simone Elkeles
#29. Religion and nationalism? I defecate on the altar of religious conviction, and wipe my arse on the flag of national pride.
Ian Martin
#30. His tricks had raised the temperature of the room considerably, although I was pretty sure his presence alone had that effect.
Adele Rose
#31. Vanity's contribution to Fiction in general was an abundance of cheap labour and the occasional blockbuster, which was accepted into Fiction with an apologetic 'gosh, don't know how that happened'.
Jasper Fforde
#32. Nonsense, this is my home and I must defend it. It's time for Santa to get serious.
Michael Diack
#33. She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven't done in years - barnyard sounds.
Simone Elkeles
#34. I had shaved my beard for her-a huge disappointment, because I'd enjoyed my three weeks looking like a bank robber.
Jennifer Echols
#35. Don't go getting offended my friend, I have much worse things to say to you.-Ad'Dam, Journey from Atremes
Riley Amos Westbrook
#36. Don't mind Russ," he says. "He's a good kid underneath all those holes, although it's a wonder he doesn't spring a leak when he drinks
Sara Gruen
#37. Another oral exam, huh?' Peter said.
'Shut up, Peter,' said Valentine.
'You should relax and enjoy it,' said Peter. 'It could be worse.'
'I don't know how.'
'It could be an anal exam.
Orson Scott Card
#38. Ben walks in the room and asks, "What were you guys doing?" Nikki says "Nothing" at the same time I say, "Your sister and I were just makin' out.
Simone Elkeles
#39. Whoa, who was that?"
"Madison Stone," Kiara mutters.
"Introduce me to her."
"Why?"
Because I know it'll annoy the shit out of you.
Simone Elkeles
#41. Jack picked a piece of mint from his glass and chewed on it for a second. "I'm curious," he said,
"is telling someone to relax ever helpful? It's like saying 'breathe' to someone who is
hyperventilating or 'swallow' to a person who's choking. It's a completely useless admonition.
Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney
#42. Shocked my old friend from China, Deja Vu, when I turned up at his door without notice.
Nikhil Sharda
#43. So I wrote what I hoped would be science fiction, I was not at all sure if what I wrote would be acceptable even. But I don't say that I consciously wrote with humour. Humour is a part of you that comes out.
Robert Sheckley
#44. Have you been reading those books that clueless illiterate Duja in charge of the lending library lets you borrow?' 'No, Ma.' 'Then what put you in mind of devils possessing nuns to take over the church?
Renita D'Silva
#45. On a world where a common table implement is a little device with which you crack the ice that has formed on your drink between drafts, hot beer is a thing you come to appreciate.
Ursula K. Le Guin
#46. Apparently, faith in life is one thing and faith in literature is another.
Gerald Weaver
#47. At first, Maisie had been glad to work with a female crewmember. So much the better to fend off the sneers, leers, and veiled derision of her male majority shipmates. But now she knew better. Karen was here to make neither friends nor feminist stands. She was here to ruin Maisie's career!
Mads Sukalikar
#48. A five-week sand blizzard?" said Deep Thought haughtily. "You ask this of me who have contemplated the very vectors of the atoms in the Big Bang itself? Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff.
Douglas Adams
#49. This is flight 121 to Los Angeles. If your travel plans today do not include Los Angeles, now would be the perfect time to disembark.
Douglas Adams
#50. His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.
Mark Jackman
#51. If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.
Mark Jackman
#52. To write your dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another's dreams
Rob Shepherd
#53. You put cow dung on my face?' 'Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?
Renita D'Silva
#54. There's always time for arguin' when you're a Fuentes.
Simone Elkeles
#55. You were lookin' at me like you wanted to kiss me."
I force a laugh. "Yeah, right," I say sarcastically.
"Nobody's watchin' if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I'm somewhat of an expert.
Simone Elkeles
#56. I wanted to remind you that you do not allow me to deliver boats, as I have been known to crash them.
Jennifer Echols
#57. Step up to red alert."
Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
- Rimmer & Kryten, "Red Dwarf
Rob Grant
#58. I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.
Renita D'Silva
#59. When they're together, the world could fall apart around them and they'd never notice or care as long as they have each other.
About Alex and Brittany.
Simone Elkeles
#60. Soon, they actually began to titter on their toes as they glared at me, looking more like an army of angry wasps than ever before. All they needed now were matching yellow and black jumpers and pretend stingers!
Adele Rose
#61. Sadly, like many times in life, including winning the lottery, we don't always get what we wish for.
Adele Rose
#62. Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both time and space a good deal. At least being lost in space kept you busy.
Douglas Adams
#63. Can you put your hands on my crotch?"
"Why, hell no, I cannot." I didn't remember anything like this happening in Pride and Prejudice.
Jennifer Echols
#64. The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.
Erica Sehyun Song
#65. Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.
Katie McGarry
#66. Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!
Christina Scalise
#67. Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.
Simone Elkeles
#68. What's with all those tattoos? Makes you look like a hooligan."
"I suspect I am a hooligan.
Simone Elkeles
#69. Our fate and destiny is in our hands. Blaming others for our failures is wrong because we can independently choose our circumstances. Wake up, smell the coffee and roll up your sleeves.
Boniface Kamau Zablon
#70. Foolish potato, talking to her like that won't work. You've got to be mean and show off your foil-wrapped rigidity.
Michael Diack
#71. Jake's in trouble.'
Luca rolled his eyes. 'What now?'
'He's gone off somewhere, I think I know where, and I don't think it's good.'
'Cant that boy ever stay in and watch telly like the rest of us?
Sharon Sant
#72. Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride?
Robert Rankin
#73. The unfortunate 8075 hadn't survived his assault, splintering apart, fragments of its casing skittering across the bench. The battery within had split along its plane, revealing something as out-of-place as a missile in a bathtub.
A. Ashley Straker
#74. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never get a chance to live!
A.A. Bell
#75. Our friend Chewy doesn't speak much, but he chews a lot of tobacco so we call him Chewbacco.
Michael Diack
#76. Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?"
"Yeah," I say. "As long as it's not in your house and you don't know about it, you're okay with us messin' around."
"I know you're joking with me. You are joking with me, aren't you?"
"Maybe.
Simone Elkeles
#77. The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.
Elias Zapple
#79. You've got a big ego, Fuentes."
"That's not all I've got.
Simone Elkeles
#80. If you want the extra-ordinary, you've got to be willing to forsake the ordinary' - Annie Grimes in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots
D.M. Lee
#81. Don't try and make me feel better, Alex. I hate you."
"I hate you, too.
Simone Elkeles
#82. Howl howl gargle howl gargle howl howl howl gargle howl gargle howl howl gargle gargle howl gargle gargle gargle howl slurrp uuuurgh should have a good time. Message repeats.
Douglas Adams
#83. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before
and thus was the Empire forged.
Douglas Adams
#84. Furious and wild with fear, the potatoes flailed the air with their leaves and stamped their roots, but obviously this got them nowhere.
Stanislaw Lem
#85. Evan ran his finger across the faded leather spines. He laughed at how silly some of the names were: Paint Your Roses Red, Edelweiss and Me, World of Mushrooms and Fungi, The Toadstool Diaries, Daffodils Unseen and Exotic Plants Unleashed, to name but a few.
H.B. Bolton
#86. Jack the Hellhound: "Make sure you get a booth in the back so they don't see you in assassin-gear and more importantly, to keep the handsome dog hidden."
Robert Knight: "Where's the handsome dog? All I see is an ugly mutt!"
Jack the Hellhound: "You're so funny I'm busting a gut.
Ben Garvey
#87. There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it's called 'fan fiction'.
Joss Whedon
#88. How many remember where they were when the war began on the 1st of September 1939?
I remember.
I should remember.
I started it.
My name is Robert Leroy Parker.
Daniel DeLacy
#89. What is Gornite? Why can't you heat it? Will it make you laugh? - I hope so
Lucas Riddle
#90. My mortgage isn't getting any cheaper and I can't run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don't get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I've never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.
Mark Jackman
#91. Would you like me to put you out of your misery, before I put you out of your misery?
Paul Cude
#92. Despite centuries of English literature, the most famous split infinitive in all of history comes from Star Trek.
R. Curtis Venture
#93. Sylvia grabs my sleeve. "He's a looker."
"I know. The problem is, he knows it, too.
Simone Elkeles
#94. When you least expect it, you run in to an old friend from school, or the neighbour's cat, not Mary the Virgin Mother of God.
Margot McCuaig
#95. Yes. She's correct. We're not friends. We are lufenes actually. But she's had an overdose of magic, which has seemingly rendered her empathetically impotent.
Jessica O'Toole
#96. Humour is a fine line to walk in poetry, as in fiction. I just think it's harder to write. It's harder to keep the respect of the reader too.
George Murray
#97. What are you boys doing?" she asks, as if we're still little kids messing around.
"Arguin'," Carlos says matter-of-factly.
Simone Elkeles
#98. Last time I was on the welcome Wagon, I was holding some guy by the balls for 15 minutes while the inspector explained why should leave (Birmingham) and go home... It were really painful.
I bet it was.
'Yeah I got terrible cramp in me fingers, but he were very attentive.
Jim McGrath
#99. I'm not going anywhere until you hear me out."
Oh, please no. Anything except having to listen to her lecture. I push the button that calls the nurse.
"Can we help you, Alex?" a voice bellows through the speaker.
"I'm bein' tortured.
Simone Elkeles
#100. Luis is right there. I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn't as much of a chick magnet when you get into junior high.
Simone Elkeles
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