Top 100 C.k. Quotes
#1. To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.
Louis C.K.
#2. I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.
Louis C.K.
#3. You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."
Louis C.K.
#4. The earth doesn't move backward (very much) when you walk only because it's much more massive than you are.
K.C. Cole
#5. You spend months barely acknowledging someone's existence and then BOOM, you're emotionally addicted to her. Science would probably blame it on chemicals, genetics or something equally logical, but it didn't feel like anything logical
C.K. Kelly Martin
#6. Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.
Louis C.K.
#7. So say F**k It to whatever you want to be. And just be who you are. There is no need to be anything else. There is no need to self-develop, or improve. There is no need to be like anyone else. You
John C. Parkin
#8. What happens after you die?" "Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you.
Louis C.K.
#9. It's hard having kids because it's boring ... It's just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.
Louis C.K.
#10. I eat, breath and sleep and that makes me like everyone else. When I write, I become something much greater than flesh & bone; something that will stay behind long after that part of me is gone. Writing makes me special, readers make me everlasting.
C.K. Webb
#11. There was no honor in grinding outsiders underfoot. There was no joy in burning their legacies. The highest good laid in lifting everyone up, believer and unbeliever alike, to enjoy the light.
C.K. Gold
#13. When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.
Louis C.K.
#14. I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.
Louis C.K.
#15. It's amazing how easy the truth is to accept ... No matter how strange.
K.C. Randall
#16. There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'
Louis C.K.
#17. Things never go wrong at the moment you expect them to. When you're completely relaxed, oblivious to any potential dangers, that's when bad things happen.
C.K. Kelly Martin
#18. Whoever the guy was who taught her to suck c**k, he wanted to buy him a beer and punch his fucking lights out.
Cherrie Lynn
#19. I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.
Louis C.K.
#20. The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.
Louis C.K.
#21. Scuse me diary ... gotta take care of a pressing problem in my jeans right now.
Same day - later.
What? At least I didn't come over your nice, clean pages, right?
K.C. Wells
#22. When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
Louis C.K.
#23. Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go 'Uh, I'm kind of an asshole.
Louis C.K.
#24. I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.
Louis C.K.
#25. Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.
Louis C.K.
#26. Things that make me laugh range from a wonderful stand-up like Jerry Seinfeld, Louis C.K. and Chris Rock to my son Gabe, who does great improv work. I also look backwards to the great comedic actors like Jackie Gleason, Paul Lynde and Phil Silvers.
Jason Alexander
#27. The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access TV station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself.
Louis C.K.
#28. It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you're new at this - and by 'new at it,' I mean 15 years in, or even 20 - you're just starting to get traction ... Give it a minute.
Louis C.K.
#29. The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
Louis C.K.
#30. I wanted to tell his dad that Nathan was fine the way he was and that he was the one that needed to change. It made me glad to have my parents. If I told my dad I was gay, he'd probably just look scared and hand over more safe sex money. -Nick Severson
C.K. Kelly Martin
#31. I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?
Louis C.K.
#32. I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
Doug Stanhope
#33. Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.
Louis C.K.
#34. I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining ... "Sir, could you please stop?"
Louis C.K.
#35. When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.
Louis C.K.
#36. Life is full of horrible mistakes.
Louis C.K.
#37. I'm a fan of Louis C.K., I'm a fan of Lena Dunham. I love shows about people that other people would consider unlikable, or, like, the work of Woody Allen and Albert Brooks.
Jill Soloway
#38. If we stop thinking of the poor as victims or as a burden and start recognizing them as resilient and creative entrepreneurs and value conscious consumers, a whole new world of opportunity will open up.
C. K. Prahalad
#39. A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.
Louis C.K.
#40. All you need is a pinch of Grace," I whisper, sprinkling it on the pie. "And a dash of Hope," she follows, tossing more on top. "To make life sweeter." I turn and press a kiss to her cheek. "And help love grow," she whispers, kissin' my cheek back, her tears mixin' with my own.
K.C. Lynn
#41. Everyone has a story inside them. Some are bedtimes stories, some thrill and others scare and horrify their readers. Find out what your story is and share it with the world.
C.K. Webb
#42. I could never sit down and write jokes.
Louis C.K.
#43. People ask me all the time, "Where do your ideas come from?" So, to clear up this question ... I keep my ideas inside the mind of a tiny man who is tied up in my closet!
C.K. Webb
#44. K,
the lady at the store said yellow means friendship and red means love. The rosary is the only thing I own that has value to me. It's yours. I'm yours
C.
Simone Elkeles
#45. There's no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you're gonna be HUGE !
Louis C.K.
#46. Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'
Louis C.K.
#47. My kids and I figured out that there's a third kind of person, and I don't know what you call them, but it's somebody who sees that the glass is always full because it's half full with water and half full with nothing, so that's the third kind of person. I don't know what it is.
Louis C.K.
#48. I foresee that my life will be much better in future
K.C Mathobela
#50. But you can't unsee something once you've seen it. Not without a memory wipe anyway.
C.K. Kelly Martin
#51. I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.
Louis C.K.
#52. The ability to just sit there. That's being a person.
Louis C.K.
#54. To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.
Louis C.K.
#55. I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.
Louis C.K.
#57. I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.
Louis C.K.
#58. I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show.
Louis C.K.
#59. You'll love Philadelphia," she said. "But watch out for the ladies who are putting on your shin-dig. There's a romance writing group near here in Erie, and let me just say - we've been called out to a few of their parties. Some of those chicks are decently hard-core.
K.C. Dyer
#60. I believe that you believe that. But this thing, whatever it is, it's tricky. Manipulative. A liar. And it's smarter than you."
"I'll try not to be offended by that."
"You shouldn't be."
"What do you think it is?"
"Something very old and very evil.
C.K. Walker
#61. I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'
Louis C.K.
#62. When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.
Louis C.K.
#63. Louis C.K. directs his show, which is very much like a series of short films.
Mike Birbiglia
#64. When you get kicked in the teeth, chew on it: don't bite back.
K.C. Rhoads
#65. The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.
Louis C.K.
#66. Lydia shrugged. "At least we'll have some stories to tell after graduation."
"These aren't the kind of stories I want to tell.
C.K. Walker
#67. What is it?" I ask, terrified I have done something wrong.
"Nothing," Stirling replies, running a finger over his own lips. "I thought it would be different, that's all. Actually, it was like kissing a girl. Isn't that strange?
K.C. Finn
#68. I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.
Louis C.K.
#69. When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
Louis C.K.
#70. Why?" JJ sniped. "I'll have to come back here eventually. This is where I live, Darren." "Not anymore. You're going to be living with me.
K.C. Wells
#71. I like science fiction. Arthur C. Clarke, Philip K. Dick and Vonnegut, and I really like Margaret Atwood, 'The Handmaid's Tale.' And you know, so much of science fiction has to do with predicting what's to come, so I think that's really interesting.
Conor Oberst
#72. Well, I think likability is an overused word. I don't watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they're compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.
Louis C.K.
#73. I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.
Louis C.K.
#74. I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
Louis C.K.
#75. The familiar warmth from the church saturated his heart. Was this what Mom meant by Christmas joy?
Jennifer Gladen
#76. He wanted his brother to be happy, but he also didn't want Lauren to have to lose her family in the process, because he couldn't imagine losing his so he understood how she felt.
K.C. Mills
#79. I think we need to come up with a child-friendly phrase for f-u-c-k off."
"Duck off?"
"Exactly. Braden, duck off, you sarcastic dastard.
Samantha Young
#80. A team is a group of players who support one another on court and who think of the group before they think of themselves
K. C. Jones
#81. I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
Louis C.K.
#82. the problem of my winded panting by holding my
K.C. Dyer
#83. I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.
Louis C.K.
#84. Johnny and Marissa, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes an abrupt, tragic miscarriage. Then comes blame, then comes despair. Two hearts damaged beyond repair... Johnny leaves Marissa, and takes the tree. D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Kris Wilson
#85. I like Louis C.K., Chris Rock. Old schools like Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy.
Adam DeVine
#86. Those words should have sent Kurt's hackles up, but he was starting to realize a relationship meant protecting each other, because you couldn't bear for your partner to hurt.
K.C. Burn
#87. I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
Louis C.K.
#88. I'm close to my audience. I think I have more tools in my box than other guys who might try it. Also, I know how to do this stuff. I know how to write and shoot and edit. I'm technically adept and that helped with the website. You need a big skill set.
Louis C.K.
#89. The more I write, the more the silence seems to be eating away at me.
C. K. Williams
#90. Then I got divorced and everything changed, and I became a father in a whole new way and found a whole new set of difficulties.
Louis C.K.
#91. I raised my hand to hit her. She didn't flinch only stared into my eyes like I dare you to. I never physically abused Veronica but she knew how to take me there. Watching the arrogant smile spread across her face, pissed me off.
K.C. Blaze
#92. So just say F**k It to it all. Just do what the hell you want.
John C. Parkin
#93. Dividing meager resources across a host of medium term operational goals creates mediocrity on a broad scale.
C. K. Prahalad
#94. It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.
Louis C.K.
#95. Everything is amazing and nobody is happy
Louis C.K.
#96. One person's data is another person's noise.
K.C. Cole
#97. I tended to write poems about both social and spiritual problems, and some problems one doesn't really want to solve, and so the problems themselves are solved. You certainly don't want to solve problems in poems that haven't been solved in the world.
C. K. Williams
#99. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows ... " You got to take some time alone to process the shame.
Louis C.K.
#100. When you need a friend most is when no one is cheering.
K. C. Jones
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