Best Doug Stanhope Famous Quotes & Sayings

List of top 38 famous quotes and sayings about best doug stanhope to read and share with friends on your Facebook, Twitter, blogs.

Top 38 Best Doug Stanhope Quotes

#1. I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#2. Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#3. Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#4. Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#5. That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#6. Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#7. You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger ... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#8. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#9. Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#10. They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts ... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#11. I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#12. My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#13. I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#14. I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#15. If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#16. Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#17. As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#18. The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#19. You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best ... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#20. The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#21. I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#22. Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#23. Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up ... there are too many people. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#24. There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#25. If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#26. [Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#27. I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#28. I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#29. I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#30. Coward is the most misused word in our society. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#31. Your instinct is your true god. Follow it. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#32. Every vice is already a punishment in itself ... you don't need a ticket on top of it. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#33. If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#34. America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#35. Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate? - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#36. Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#37. I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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#38. I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at. - Author: Doug Stanhope
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