Best Bar Mitzvah Quotes

#1. When I was 13 and 14, there were a lot of jokes about my bar mitzvah and my grandparents, and then when I got older, it became more about touching boobs and trying to get liquor. I kind of ran the gamut of infantile behavior and I haven't moved one step forward since.

Seth Rogen

#2. I used to limp around my neighborhood imitating him. I did my Bar Mitzvah with an Oklahoma drawl.

Billy Crystal

#3. I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

Andy Kindler

#4. My parents' convictions, when it came to discipline, were not very strong. For my bar mitzvah, I gave out a mix tape of '90s grunge - if you got it now, you would think it was the 'Singles' soundtrack.

Adam Pally

#5. You can find old Jewish newspapers from Detroit that have my promotional ad in them. It was a totally insane time in my life. Paul Rudd was also a bar mitzvah emcee, you know? It was like being a local rock star in Detroit.

James Wolk

#6. I did go to cheder and was a bar mitzvah. We were members of an Orthodox synagogue, although we were not religious. My grandfather was Polish. He came to Ireland in the '30s.

Lenny Abrahamson

#7. For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

Artie Lange

#8. When I am at home, I never go near the synagogue unless, say, there is a bar or bat mitzvah involving the children of friends. But when I am traveling, in a country where Jewish life is scarce or endangered, I often make a visit to the shul.

Christopher Hitchens

#9. I met Evan Goldberg at bar-mitzvah class. It was called tallis and tefillin.

Seth Rogen

#10. I'm not a boy now. I'm a man, I hope. I hope I've had my artistic bar mitzvah somewhere.

Jeremy Piven

#11. Man, Dick Dale shreds. He's welcomed to anybody's bar mitzvah.

John Zorn

#12. That room was not available, and the only other room had been booked for a Jewish bar mitzvah. I called the father and told him I needed the room and I would pay him to move the bar mitzvah to an adjoining room which was smaller.

Lew Wasserman

#13. There was a year straight where every weekend, I went to at least one bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah, and we would all go, and it was a lot of fun. We sneak some beer; we'd hang out; we would try to get with girls and not. And usually we'd just end up hanging out together alone.

Seth Rogen

#14. I read the Bible when I was 12 while studying for my bar mitzvah. I was also reading a lot of Dilbert comics at the time, and I guess the two kind of got fused in my mind. I've always imagined God as an irrational, distractible boss. It's my best explanation for our planet.

Simon Rich

#15. I just went to Hebrew school, had a bar mitzvah. No crazy weird Jewish cult.

Hayden Schlossberg

#16. If a girl comes to me first for a prom or a bar mitzvah and she likes the way she looks and her boyfriend likes the way she looks, she'll come back.

Betsey Johnson

#17. I would love to host someone's bar mitzvah. I would love to do that.

Ilana Glazer

#18. I was the - my trendsetting moment was my bar mitzvah had the first, like, temporary tattoo guy.

Evan Goldberg

#19. I grew up in a secular suburban Jewish household where we only observed the religion on very specific times like a funeral or a Bar Mitzvah.

Jesse Eisenberg

#20. I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

Zach Braff

#21. Being a writer in Hollywood is like going to Hitler's Eagle Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah.

David Mamet

#22. The comment quieted the room, like a sudden shout of "Who wants extra bacon?" at a bar mitzvah.

Brandon Sanderson

#23. Well, when I was 13, for my bar mitzvah I received my first typewriter. And that was special.

R.L. Stine

#24. Until he turned twelve, Nimrod was a shitty person. The kind of whiner that, if he wasn't your best friend, you'd have kicked his ass a long time ago. And then one day, just before his bar mitzvah, they put insoles in his shoes, and suddenly the guy was a whole new human being.

Etgar Keret

#25. This is hands down the biggest, most exciting thing I've ever been involved with in my life. I can only compare it to my Bar Mitzvah.

Shia Labeouf

#26. People need what they think of as a poem to be read at their bar mitzvah, their wedding, a funeral, whatever. And people are looking for hope and inspiration. I understand that.

Joan Larkin

#27. Every bar mitzvah I ever went to was, 'Here comes 'Oh, What a Night.'

Erich Bergen

#28. When I celebrated my bar mitzvah, there was no cake. Today, there is no such thing as a bar mitzvah in the United States without a special cake. It can be even more complicated and expensive than a wedding cake, because bar-mitzvah cakes are often based on a particular theme.

Ron Ben-Israel

#29. What's funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can't wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, 'Can you do these for my son's Bar Mitzvah?'

Meghan Markle

#30. Everyone in my grade is turning 13, so there are bunches of bar and bat mitzvahs. They're very dressy. It's fun picking out outfits. One girl, for her bat mitzvah, wore a huge red ball gown!

Elle Fanning

#31. I never really liked "cool" books. I plowed through as much Borges and Joyce as possible, read the first half of V. and spent whole Bar Mitzvah checks on Beat poetry.

Simon Rich

#32. I had been coming to New York, pretty much once a month, to dance on Broadway. I was offered a huge Broadway show but couldn't do it because my brother was having his huge Bar Mitzvah.

Sami Gayle

#33. I suppose the nearest equivalent to a bar mitzvah in terms of emotional build-up would probably not even be one's wedding day, but one's coronation.

Maureen Lipman

#34. Theo, Celery doesn't think you should invite Lulu to your hypothetical Bar Mitzvah.

Gitty Daneshvari