Simon Rich Quotes

#1. I try not to write jokes that are mean. I try my best to write jokes that are pretty universal and jokes that don't attack anyone. I know I often fall short of that and end up taking unfair swipes at people, but I try not to.

Simon Rich

#2. At the end of the day I'm writing comedy. If you get too realistic as a comedy writer with your disasters, it stops being funny.

Simon Rich

#3. There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren't.

Simon Rich

#4. Dreams were invented by Angels to test out their beta programs.

Simon Rich

#5. I know the odds are against us. I know she's a siren. I know she's eaten people. I know she's five thousand years older than me. But I really like her.

Simon Rich

#6. Most of my work is, I get an idea, and, with the help of Wikipedia, I can write. I don't have to leave my apartment.

Simon Rich

#7. I never really liked "cool" books. I plowed through as much Borges and Joyce as possible, read the first half of V. and spent whole Bar Mitzvah checks on Beat poetry.

Simon Rich

#8. I never felt ostracized or made to feel strange by obsessing over 'The Onion' or 'Calvin and Hobbes.' That was considered completely normal.

Simon Rich

#9. Otto could be extremely convincing. During our sophomore year, he'd persuaded me to boycott McDonald's, even though they'd recently brought back the McRib.

Simon Rich

#10. There were a lot of fun things to do in heaven. But none were as thrilling as what you could do on Earth.

Simon Rich

#11. I was never a cool person; in fact, cool people have always made fun of me. That's why I loved [the Robert Cormier YA novel] The Chocolate War - because the cool kids (not the establishment) were the villains. I totally identified with that.

Simon Rich

#12. Well, that's splendid!" Mr. Goat said. "As long as we preserve our friendship - that's the important thing." "Yes!" Olivia said. "Exactly!" There was a pause. "Can I kiss you?" Mr. Goat said. Olivia groaned. "I just want to be friends," she said firmly. "That's all." "I

Simon Rich

#13. I spend long, long time in shoe box.

Simon Rich

#14. The trick to surviving with low funds is to not have such high standards.

Simon Rich

#15. I read the Bible when I was 12 while studying for my bar mitzvah. I was also reading a lot of Dilbert comics at the time, and I guess the two kind of got fused in my mind. I've always imagined God as an irrational, distractible boss. It's my best explanation for our planet.

Simon Rich

#16. "It's not just about Jen," he said. "It's about the entire romantic system. Ninety-nine percent of men are in love with the top one percent of women. And yet they often refuse to date us. It's a complete injustice.

Simon Rich

#17. Before OkCupid profiles became mandated by the Galactic Government, the only way to find a mate was to self-induce brain-damage and beg strangers for sex in public. The fact that anyone ever achieved sexual congress during these dark times is a remarkable testament to man's will to survive.

Simon Rich