Artie Lange Quotes

#1. I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

Artie Lange

#2. To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!

Artie Lange

#3. I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it.

Artie Lange

#4. I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.

Artie Lange

#5. I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

Artie Lange

#6. I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.

Artie Lange

#7. I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

Artie Lange

#8. Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

Artie Lange

#9. My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.

Artie Lange

#10. 'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

Artie Lange

#11. Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

Artie Lange

#12. You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of ways, you don't have anything to give once you give it to the people.

Artie Lange

#13. And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

Artie Lange

#14. Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.

Artie Lange

#15. To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

Artie Lange

#16. Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Artie Lange

#17. When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

Artie Lange

#18. The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

Artie Lange

#19. A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.

Artie Lange

#20. It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out a way to do it on stage.

Artie Lange

#21. When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

Artie Lange

#22. As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did.

Artie Lange

#23. The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

Artie Lange

#24. I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

Artie Lange

#25. You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

Artie Lange

#26. Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

Artie Lange

#27. When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.

Artie Lange

#28. I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

Artie Lange

#29. Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

Artie Lange

#30. I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

Artie Lange

#31. When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does stuff that's not original.

Artie Lange

#32. You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'

Artie Lange

#33. I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

Artie Lange

#34. Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

Artie Lange

#35. Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

Artie Lange

#36. I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

Artie Lange

#37. Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.

Artie Lange

#38. I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

Artie Lange

#39. Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand how tall you used to be.

Artie Lange

#40. Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

Artie Lange

#41. Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

Artie Lange

#42. It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

Artie Lange

#43. Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

Artie Lange

#44. Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

Artie Lange

#45. I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

Artie Lange

#46. It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.

Artie Lange

#47. If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

Artie Lange

#48. Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.

Artie Lange

#49. Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.

Artie Lange

#50. Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

Artie Lange

#51. I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'

Artie Lange

#52. The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.

Artie Lange

#53. I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

Artie Lange

#54. A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

Artie Lange

#55. The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

Artie Lange

#56. I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

Artie Lange

#57. I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

Artie Lange

#58. If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Artie Lange

#59. I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

Artie Lange

#60. But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

Artie Lange

#61. For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

Artie Lange

#62. It's good to be alive.

Artie Lange

#63. I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

Artie Lange

#64. The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?

Artie Lange

#65. In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

Artie Lange

#66. It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.

Artie Lange

#67. I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

Artie Lange

#68. I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

Artie Lange

#69. Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

Artie Lange

#70. My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

Artie Lange

#71. By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

Artie Lange

#72. People are so nice, you know. It's such a credit to Howard Stern - the audience base that he created is such a special thing. It took him a long time to create this family of fans, and I was lucky to be a part of that for a while.

Artie Lange

#73. I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

Artie Lange

#74. When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through.

Artie Lange

#75. Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

Artie Lange

#76. Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

Artie Lange

#77. I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

Artie Lange

#78. When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

Artie Lange

#79. Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

Artie Lange