Top 66 Adult Humour Quotes
#1. Mother Goose!
I have never much cared for flippant remarks, especially when others make them, and in particular, I don't give a frog's fundament for them when they come from an adult.
Alan Bradley
#2. Sadie gave her head an exaggerated scratch. 'Don't come too close if you know what's good for you, these nits are on steroids.
Sharon Sant
#3. This is Sailor Supergirl," George says. "She knows all about black holes.
Huntley Fitzpatrick
#4. But first I had to get through the ironing. It took a lot of patience. I had none. It took forever, and then I had to press the whole shirt again to get out the creases I'd pressed into it.
Jennifer Echols
#6. It's not really wine," he said. "It's Diet Coke. And if anyone ever serves you brown wine with a foamy head, send it back.
Jennifer Echols
#7. She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.
Jefferson Smith
#8. You look like a hot tamale."
"That's not really a compliment.
Simone Elkeles
#9. You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.
Jefferson Smith
#10. When I turn back to Jase, he's again beaming at me. "You're nice." He sounds pleased, as if he hadn't expected this aspect of my personality.
Huntley Fitzpatrick
#11. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did.
Simone Elkeles
#12. Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that?
Jefferson Smith
#13. That was when I realised a sad but incontrovertible truth: I was a geek, and there was no getting around it. I could dress in Kate's clothes, but it didn't make me Kate.
Sharon Sant
#14. Boys don't gossip."
"Pah! You don't know us as well as you think."
This was a disturbing prospect.
Jennifer Echols
#15. Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.
Jess C. Scott
#16. Jacob glanced across at the woman. 'She'd have you for breakfast, mate.'
'Yeah,' Luca countered, 'maybe I want to be had for breakfast.
Sharon Sant
#17. With every step, I cursed the person who had ever invented the saying: "Speak of the devil". Clearly, they had no sympathy for me!
Adele Rose
#18. Whoa, who was that?"
"Madison Stone," Kiara mutters.
"Introduce me to her."
"Why?"
Because I know it'll annoy the shit out of you.
Simone Elkeles
#19. No bikinis on a first date." He nods. "I'm sure that's a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway.
Huntley Fitzpatrick
#21. Rotten, dirty, back-slapping, wine-quaffing, haemorrhoid-hosting, goat-shagging, fart-sniffing, Crispin-loving, gold-snatching bastards!!!
Aaron D'Este
#23. Ben walks in the room and asks, "What were you guys doing?" Nikki says "Nothing" at the same time I say, "Your sister and I were just makin' out.
Simone Elkeles
#24. I had shaved my beard for her-a huge disappointment, because I'd enjoyed my three weeks looking like a bank robber.
Jennifer Echols
#25. She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven't done in years - barnyard sounds.
Simone Elkeles
#26. His tricks had raised the temperature of the room considerably, although I was pretty sure his presence alone had that effect.
Adele Rose
#27. A text pops up on the screen. It's from Luis. I can't help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.
Luis: Hey
Simone Elkeles
#28. I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.
Huntley Fitzpatrick
#29. They were Siamese twins, joined at the groin by a traitorous piece of meat.
Nancy A. Collins
#30. Hecate smelt the odour of death as clearly as she might smell the wonderful, scented fragrance of blooming flowers in springtime or the delicious smell of dinner wafting down the hallway.
Adele Rose
#32. Clearly, she hadn't heard of the two words 'social' and 'life'.
Adele Rose
#33. Grandma's house had the atmosphere of a Tupperware box left out in the sun. Like a tropical flower, she had to be kept warm and moist at all times, or she would wilt and die.
Matthew Crow
#34. Sadly, like many times in life, including winning the lottery, we don't always get what we wish for.
Adele Rose
#35. Luis is right there. I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn't as much of a chick magnet when you get into junior high.
Simone Elkeles
#36. The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.
Erica Sehyun Song
#37. That's enough!" Holly scrambled out of her seat, too. "My three-year-old behaves better than all of you." She looked down at LJ, who was trying to stuff a fry up his nostril. "And that's not saying a whole lot.
Nicole Williams
#38. There's always time for arguin' when you're a Fuentes.
Simone Elkeles
#39. You were lookin' at me like you wanted to kiss me."
I force a laugh. "Yeah, right," I say sarcastically.
"Nobody's watchin' if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I'm somewhat of an expert.
Simone Elkeles
#40. I wanted to remind you that you do not allow me to deliver boats, as I have been known to crash them.
Jennifer Echols
#41. When they're together, the world could fall apart around them and they'd never notice or care as long as they have each other.
About Alex and Brittany.
Simone Elkeles
#42. Soon, they actually began to titter on their toes as they glared at me, looking more like an army of angry wasps than ever before. All they needed now were matching yellow and black jumpers and pretend stingers!
Adele Rose
#43. I'm not going anywhere until you hear me out."
Oh, please no. Anything except having to listen to her lecture. I push the button that calls the nurse.
"Can we help you, Alex?" a voice bellows through the speaker.
"I'm bein' tortured.
Simone Elkeles
#44. Can you put your hands on my crotch?"
"Why, hell no, I cannot." I didn't remember anything like this happening in Pride and Prejudice.
Jennifer Echols
#45. Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.
Simone Elkeles
#46. And he had been very badly treated by a girl too. He had thought her a really civilised and adult personality, and then she had unexpectedly revealed that she was a mass of bourgeois prejudices and monogamic instincts.
C.S. Lewis
#47. It's just ... how do I put this? Maybe it's just hard for me to imagine turning down something that's so much harder for someone like me to find.
Liz Czukas
#48. What's with all those tattoos? Makes you look like a hooligan."
"I suspect I am a hooligan.
Simone Elkeles
#49. A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.
Ricky Gervais
#50. Jake's in trouble.'
Luca rolled his eyes. 'What now?'
'He's gone off somewhere, I think I know where, and I don't think it's good.'
'Cant that boy ever stay in and watch telly like the rest of us?
Sharon Sant
#52. What are you boys doing?" she asks, as if we're still little kids messing around.
"Arguin'," Carlos says matter-of-factly.
Simone Elkeles
#53. Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.
Huntley Fitzpatrick
#54. Sylvia grabs my sleeve. "He's a looker."
"I know. The problem is, he knows it, too.
Simone Elkeles
#55. But a cock does not enter a hen ... it enters a ... meow-meow!
Faraaz Kazi
#56. Thanks for not trying to see me when I looked like hell."
"To be fair, you still look pretty bad.
John Green
#57. Being amongst rough lives and confusion does not make you less, it only makes your beauty shine out more clearly.
Sharon Sant
#58. Would you like me to put you out of your misery, before I put you out of your misery?
Paul Cude
#59. Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?"
"Yeah," I say. "As long as it's not in your house and you don't know about it, you're okay with us messin' around."
"I know you're joking with me. You are joking with me, aren't you?"
"Maybe.
Simone Elkeles
#60. Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.
Then he observes, "I'm guessing that's a uniform."
Crap. I'd forgotten I was still wearing it.
Huntley Fitzpatrick
#61. But I don't want to be a vampire drone.' Sophronia winced. 'They'll suck my blood and make me wear only the very latest fashions.
Gail Carriger
#62. Don't try and make me feel better, Alex. I hate you."
"I hate you, too.
Simone Elkeles
#63. But cocks aren't supposed to lay eggs ... " Sahil said, trying to untangle himself. " ... they're supposed to fertilise them.
Faraaz Kazi
#64. You know its going to be a bad day when you are having a prostate examination and you feel both of your doctor's hands on your shoulders!
Michael Robotham
#65. You've got a big ego, Fuentes."
"That's not all I've got.
Simone Elkeles
#66. We're adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you're counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even.
Robyn Carr
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