Top 100 Schumer's Quotes
#1. Focus on your own goals and how to achieve them. No one took your spot, there's room for all of us.
Amy Schumer
#2. She made my favorite breakfast and recruited me to be the cheerleader of her mistake.
Amy Schumer
#3. In a brave new world, a post-September 11 world, anyone is going to make certain mistakes. The mistakes that have been made on homeland security, on protecting our Nation from another terrorist attack, are mistakes of omission. We are simply not doing enough.
Chuck Schumer
#4. I'm glad I struggled. I think I'd be an asshole if my money were anything other than the "new" kind.
Amy Schumer
#5. When someone takes a private photo, on a private cell phone, it should remain just that: private.
Chuck Schumer
#6. My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me.
Amy Schumer
#7. The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!
Amy Schumer
#8. I think on this issue more than any other we're going to see sort of a bipartisan longing to get something done, and hopefully you're not going to find the fisticuffs that you would find on lots of other issues. I think you'll be able to glean a sense of progress without us revealing the specifics.
Charles Schumer
#9. RIDER FOR THE FUNERAL OF AMY SCHUMER: . . . The actual body of AMY SCHUMER should be propped up on a chair in the northwest corner of the room, wearing aviator sunglasses and her trusted snow hat that reads, 'No Coffee, No Workee," a motto in life that she will continue to stand by in the afterlife.
Amy Schumer
#10. You can set up whatever negotiations or structure you want, but until the Palestinians are willing to accept the fact, as the majority of Israelis do, that there should be two states between the Jordan and the Mediterranean, we won't have peace.
Chuck Schumer
#11. Most of the people I meet who are on unemployment are people who have had jobs for 25 years, lost them; they've been knocking on doors every week.
Chuck Schumer
#12. I think for anyone to become good at something, they have to fail a lot too. And they have to be completely unafraid to fail or they'll never make it to the next level.
Amy Schumer
#13. The Tea Party elites gained extraordinary influence by being able to funnel millions of undisclosed dollars into campaigns with ads that distort the truth and attack government.
Chuck Schumer
#14. The saddest revelation I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people.
Amy Schumer
#15. Frankly, sharing a media market with Chuck Schumer is like sharing a banana with a monkey. Take a little bite of it, and he will throw his own feces at you.
Jon Corzine
#16. I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea
he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
Amy Schumer
#17. To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
Amy Schumer
#18. I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
Amy Schumer
#19. The Tea Party elites believe government is evil. Everything about government is bad, and they blame all problems, even non-economic problems, problems that were caused by the private sector, on government.
Chuck Schumer
#20. If I were running against Chuck Schumer. I would take every one of his Sunday press releases - and there are 52 for as many years as he's been there - and I would ask, 'How many of the things he said he was proposing became law?' I doubt many.
Ed Koch
#21. I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship.
Amy Schumer
#22. Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to get seen if you're funny. If you're funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere.
Amy Schumer
#23. There are many reasons why Mitt Romney should not become president, but perhaps the most important of all is the narrowness of his experience, perspective and vision.
Chuck Schumer
#24. tactics for negotiating with adults. I came on pretty strong at my friends' houses because
Amy Schumer
#25. I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
Amy Schumer
#26. I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
Amy Schumer
#27. The bottom line is very simple. You negotiate on this, they will up the ante for the debt ceiling.
Charles Schumer
#28. I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
Amy Schumer
#29. I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them.
Amy Schumer
#30. I think the water cooler is more important than ever. "Oh, did you hear that 'Inside Amy Schumer' is fabulous?" Where do you find it? It's on Netflix, it's on iTunes, it's on places nobody ever heard of five years ago.
Henry Blodget
#31. If we are going to stay a great power and I hope and pray we will we need the truth. We need to know what is going right and we need to know what is going wrong. There is no greater time than now.
Chuck Schumer
#32. Mitt Romney would move the Court even further right, putting landmark decisions like Roe v. Wade at risk. Some say Romney would repeat the past. I disagree - he'd be worse.
Chuck Schumer
#33. Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.
Amy Schumer
#34. My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.
Amy Schumer
#35. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.
Amy Schumer
#36. I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
Amy Schumer
#37. Like literally, the final moments of life come to mind when I begin to love someone. I think, Will this dude push my wheelchair? And even scarier, Would I be willing to push his?
Amy Schumer
#39. I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
Amy Schumer
#40. It is essential that all Americans take the time to honor and remember those individuals who gave their lives in defense of our liberty.
Chuck Schumer
#41. I am not special just because I'm famous right now.
Amy Schumer
#42. Memory for most is a kind of afterlife; for my mother, it is another form of life.
Fern Schumer Chapman
#43. Today, families like the one I grew up in still believe in that American dream. But as President Obama says, it's a make-or-break moment for the middle class. Mitt Romney's plans would make things worse.
Chuck Schumer
#44. It's relaxing sometimes, just being human.
Amy Schumer
#45. Giving up even an ounce of precious freedom is a very serious thing to do.
Chuck Schumer
#46. Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does?
Amy Schumer
#47. You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
Amy Schumer
#48. The truth is, whoever I've dated, if I've ever wanted to talk about them on stage, I've asked them first. And I've gotten their permission to tell a story or talk about them before I do it.
Amy Schumer
#49. But I don't think the Democratic Party is at eye level with the middle class.
Chuck Schumer
#50. Do not let arguments of expediency persuade you. That is the slow road to oblivion. That is the tortured path to undoing step by step, bit by bit, as the river creates a canyon, the way of life that we love.
Chuck Schumer
#51. When Mitt Romney says he wants to reform the tax code, hold on to your wallets. We know Mitt Romney never met a tax haven he didn't like. But his new favorite tax haven is actually not the Cayman Islands - its Paul Ryan's budget.
Chuck Schumer
#52. If other cows with mad cow disease were slaughtered, we wouldn't know where to begin looking for people who might have been affected, .. With a comprehensive tracking system, we would.
Charles Schumer
#53. Marco [Rubio] has more of an allegiance to Chuck Schumer and to the liberals than he does to conservative policy.
Ted Cruz
#54. We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
Amy Schumer
#55. My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.
Amy Schumer
#56. Bigotry has always been the poison of America, and we oughta do everything to eradicate it with no excuses or explanations.
Chuck Schumer
#57. When one has success, the answer is not to undo that success. It is to continue what has been done.
Chuck Schumer
#58. I hear Amy Schumer on Howard Stern, and I think, "I wish there was a movie that starred her, because she's so interesting," and then at some point I go, "I guess I have to get involved, because it's not happening right now. Maybe I should help try to make that happen."
Judd Apatow
#59. Mr. Snowden is a coward who has chosen to run.
Chuck Schumer
#60. Have kids; have a lot of kids. Start early and keep having them.
Chuck Schumer
#61. The vast majority of the people employed by Wall Street are the secretary who goes in to work on the Long Island Rail Road, who makes fifty, sixty, seventy thousand dollars a year.
Chuck Schumer
#62. What's wrong with being alone anyway? Being alone is sometimes a great place to be, but people are always trying to correct this "problem" for you, even if you yourself don't have any kind of problem with it.
Amy Schumer
#63. I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
Amy Schumer
#64. I am crushing so hard on Amy Schumer. Women like her who have chosen to stand up for themselves and face the bullies are being so embraced.
Anne Hathaway
#65. You have to show Israel that it's not going to be forced to do things it doesn't want to do and can't do.
Chuck Schumer
#66. My mom's always saying really smart things ... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
Amy Schumer
#67. Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.
Anthony Jeselnik
#68. When Republicans say, 'The first thing you do when you do deficit reduction is reduce rates,' it would be like Democrats saying, 'The first thing you do when you do deficit reduction is provide free Medicare at age 55.' We'd like to do that! But it won't bring the deficit down. That's for sure.
Chuck Schumer
#69. So I want my kids to go to public schools because I think it's a better education overall.
Chuck Schumer
#70. You have to walk in the other guy's moccasins. You have to think what they think. If you want to bring somebody onto your side, you have to figure out what motivates them. What do they need?
Chuck Schumer
#71. Obviously, there are conservatives who are in the mainstream and conservatives who would take people's rights away.
Charles Schumer
#72. Mitt Romney's only bottom line is the one at the end of his own bank statement. The problem is that he confuses his own narrow, self-interest - and that of people like him - with the national interest. He thinks as long as we do right by the Mitt Romneys of the world, America will be just fine.
Chuck Schumer
#73. Every administration has this idea to talk tough to Israel and make nice to the Arabs and the Palestinians, and that's the way to bring about peace. It's counter-productive - it's actually the opposite.
Chuck Schumer
#74. I would be like the third-hottest bartender at a Dave & Buster's in Cincinnati.
Amy Schumer
#75. It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?
Amy Schumer
#76. Everyone has a hole inside themselves. They don't know they had it until they have kids, and then that hole fills up. And it's so great; it's just God's greatest gift to us.
Chuck Schumer
#77. To those like Mitt Romney who want to take us backwards, let's send a strong message in November: as we say in Brooklyn, 'Fuhgeddaboutit.'
Chuck Schumer
#78. I have never supported amnesty, and I led the fight against Chuck Schumer's gang of eight amnesty legislation in the Senate.
Ted Cruz
#79. The dome of the U.S. Capitol has fallen into severe disrepair ... As the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Rules and Administration, which oversees matters of the Capitol's physical plant, I have serious concerns about the consequences of omitting this funding from the stopgap spending measure.
Chuck Schumer
#80. It's hard out there for a fuzzy little introvert.
Amy Schumer
#81. I'm a real woman who digests her meals and breaks out and has sweet little pockets of cellulite on her upper thighs that she's not apologizing for. Because guess what? We all have that shit. We're all human beings.
Amy Schumer
#82. I'm sure in the past I've said marriage is stupid. Marriage makes someone sign a contract promising something they really can't deliver. I'm sure I will again say marriage is dumb. But I can also imagine why it could be lovely. There's something beautiful about truly being there for another person.
Amy Schumer
#83. First of all, nobody can be innocent and wise at the same time. That's another one of those impossible combinations.
Amy Schumer
#84. There are some tax expenditures that are there for very obvious and very important and very good policy reasons. Whether it's the charitable deduction or the deduction for homes, it's not a loophole.
Chuck Schumer
#85. To introduce a whole new tax regime, that would be modern tax reform. But that's too big a task.
Chuck Schumer
#86. Republicans always try to paint Democrats as weak on defense. This time, they can't. After all, Mitt Romney's idea of an overseas accomplishment is sending U.S. jobs there.
Chuck Schumer
#87. Biking through New York's boroughs in 2005, I thought about some old friends, Joe and Eileen Bailey. Though they are imaginary, I frequently talk to them.
Charles Schumer
#88. I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
Amy Schumer
#89. My sister tested my IQ when she was getting her master's degree in school psychology and I tested as a genius in half the categories and nearly cognitively impaired in the other half.
Amy Schumer
#90. I think it's a little insulting, a bit insulting to American workers when Rand Paul says that unemployment insurance is a disservice.
Chuck Schumer
#91. Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.
Amy Schumer
#92. She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
Amy Schumer
#93. Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
Lewis Black
#94. Unfortunately, the administration's plan is an ounce of cure for a pound of problems.
Charles Schumer
#95. This week's winner for best comedy line about the war is New York Democratic Sen. Charles Schumer. Referring to - well, it doesn't really matter what he was referring to ...
Ann Coulter
#96. In today's competitive economy, to stand still is to die.
Chuck Schumer
#97. I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
Amy Schumer
#98. Ideological warriors whether from the Left or the Right are bad news for the bench. They tend to make law, not interpret law. And that's not what any of us should want from our judges.
Chuck Schumer
#99. Well, I think it's too early to call Fallujah a failure.
Chuck Schumer
#100. I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
Amy Schumer
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top