Top 100 Schumer Quotes
#1. The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!
Amy Schumer
#2. RIDER FOR THE FUNERAL OF AMY SCHUMER: . . . The actual body of AMY SCHUMER should be propped up on a chair in the northwest corner of the room, wearing aviator sunglasses and her trusted snow hat that reads, 'No Coffee, No Workee," a motto in life that she will continue to stand by in the afterlife.
Amy Schumer
#3. Frankly, sharing a media market with Chuck Schumer is like sharing a banana with a monkey. Take a little bite of it, and he will throw his own feces at you.
Jon Corzine
#4. If I were running against Chuck Schumer. I would take every one of his Sunday press releases - and there are 52 for as many years as he's been there - and I would ask, 'How many of the things he said he was proposing became law?' I doubt many.
Ed Koch
#5. I think the water cooler is more important than ever. "Oh, did you hear that 'Inside Amy Schumer' is fabulous?" Where do you find it? It's on Netflix, it's on iTunes, it's on places nobody ever heard of five years ago.
Henry Blodget
#6. Marco [Rubio] has more of an allegiance to Chuck Schumer and to the liberals than he does to conservative policy.
Ted Cruz
#7. I hear Amy Schumer on Howard Stern, and I think, "I wish there was a movie that starred her, because she's so interesting," and then at some point I go, "I guess I have to get involved, because it's not happening right now. Maybe I should help try to make that happen."
Judd Apatow
#8. I am crushing so hard on Amy Schumer. Women like her who have chosen to stand up for themselves and face the bullies are being so embraced.
Anne Hathaway
#9. Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.
Anthony Jeselnik
#10. I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.
Wendy Liebman
#11. I have never supported amnesty, and I led the fight against Chuck Schumer's gang of eight amnesty legislation in the Senate.
Ted Cruz
#12. Imagine how a Teddy Kennedy or a Bill Clinton would take the news that one woman in ten, say, has the power to resist his blandishments by deadly force, and you'll get a perfect idea of how a Charles Schumer or a George Bush feels about armed taxpayers.
L. Neil Smith
#13. Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
Lewis Black
#14. This week's winner for best comedy line about the war is New York Democratic Sen. Charles Schumer. Referring to - well, it doesn't really matter what he was referring to ...
Ann Coulter
#15. Focus on your own goals and how to achieve them. No one took your spot, there's room for all of us.
Amy Schumer
#16. She made my favorite breakfast and recruited me to be the cheerleader of her mistake.
Amy Schumer
#17. In a brave new world, a post-September 11 world, anyone is going to make certain mistakes. The mistakes that have been made on homeland security, on protecting our Nation from another terrorist attack, are mistakes of omission. We are simply not doing enough.
Chuck Schumer
#18. I'm glad I struggled. I think I'd be an asshole if my money were anything other than the "new" kind.
Amy Schumer
#19. When someone takes a private photo, on a private cell phone, it should remain just that: private.
Chuck Schumer
#20. My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me.
Amy Schumer
#21. I think on this issue more than any other we're going to see sort of a bipartisan longing to get something done, and hopefully you're not going to find the fisticuffs that you would find on lots of other issues. I think you'll be able to glean a sense of progress without us revealing the specifics.
Charles Schumer
#22. You can set up whatever negotiations or structure you want, but until the Palestinians are willing to accept the fact, as the majority of Israelis do, that there should be two states between the Jordan and the Mediterranean, we won't have peace.
Chuck Schumer
#23. Most of the people I meet who are on unemployment are people who have had jobs for 25 years, lost them; they've been knocking on doors every week.
Chuck Schumer
#24. I think for anyone to become good at something, they have to fail a lot too. And they have to be completely unafraid to fail or they'll never make it to the next level.
Amy Schumer
#25. The Tea Party elites gained extraordinary influence by being able to funnel millions of undisclosed dollars into campaigns with ads that distort the truth and attack government.
Chuck Schumer
#26. The saddest revelation I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people.
Amy Schumer
#27. I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea
he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
Amy Schumer
#28. To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
Amy Schumer
#29. I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
Amy Schumer
#30. The Tea Party elites believe government is evil. Everything about government is bad, and they blame all problems, even non-economic problems, problems that were caused by the private sector, on government.
Chuck Schumer
#31. I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship.
Amy Schumer
#32. Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to get seen if you're funny. If you're funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere.
Amy Schumer
#33. There are many reasons why Mitt Romney should not become president, but perhaps the most important of all is the narrowness of his experience, perspective and vision.
Chuck Schumer
#34. tactics for negotiating with adults. I came on pretty strong at my friends' houses because
Amy Schumer
#35. I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
Amy Schumer
#36. I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
Amy Schumer
#37. The bottom line is very simple. You negotiate on this, they will up the ante for the debt ceiling.
Charles Schumer
#38. I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
Amy Schumer
#39. I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them.
Amy Schumer
#40. If we are going to stay a great power and I hope and pray we will we need the truth. We need to know what is going right and we need to know what is going wrong. There is no greater time than now.
Chuck Schumer
#41. Mitt Romney would move the Court even further right, putting landmark decisions like Roe v. Wade at risk. Some say Romney would repeat the past. I disagree - he'd be worse.
Chuck Schumer
#42. Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.
Amy Schumer
#43. My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.
Amy Schumer
#44. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.
Amy Schumer
#45. I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
Amy Schumer
#46. Like literally, the final moments of life come to mind when I begin to love someone. I think, Will this dude push my wheelchair? And even scarier, Would I be willing to push his?
Amy Schumer
#48. I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
Amy Schumer
#49. It is essential that all Americans take the time to honor and remember those individuals who gave their lives in defense of our liberty.
Chuck Schumer
#50. I am not special just because I'm famous right now.
Amy Schumer
#51. Memory for most is a kind of afterlife; for my mother, it is another form of life.
Fern Schumer Chapman
#52. Today, families like the one I grew up in still believe in that American dream. But as President Obama says, it's a make-or-break moment for the middle class. Mitt Romney's plans would make things worse.
Chuck Schumer
#53. It's relaxing sometimes, just being human.
Amy Schumer
#54. Giving up even an ounce of precious freedom is a very serious thing to do.
Chuck Schumer
#55. Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does?
Amy Schumer
#56. You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
Amy Schumer
#57. The truth is, whoever I've dated, if I've ever wanted to talk about them on stage, I've asked them first. And I've gotten their permission to tell a story or talk about them before I do it.
Amy Schumer
#58. But I don't think the Democratic Party is at eye level with the middle class.
Chuck Schumer
#59. Do not let arguments of expediency persuade you. That is the slow road to oblivion. That is the tortured path to undoing step by step, bit by bit, as the river creates a canyon, the way of life that we love.
Chuck Schumer
#60. When Mitt Romney says he wants to reform the tax code, hold on to your wallets. We know Mitt Romney never met a tax haven he didn't like. But his new favorite tax haven is actually not the Cayman Islands - its Paul Ryan's budget.
Chuck Schumer
#61. If other cows with mad cow disease were slaughtered, we wouldn't know where to begin looking for people who might have been affected, .. With a comprehensive tracking system, we would.
Charles Schumer
#62. We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
Amy Schumer
#63. My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.
Amy Schumer
#64. Bigotry has always been the poison of America, and we oughta do everything to eradicate it with no excuses or explanations.
Chuck Schumer
#65. When one has success, the answer is not to undo that success. It is to continue what has been done.
Chuck Schumer
#66. Mr. Snowden is a coward who has chosen to run.
Chuck Schumer
#67. Have kids; have a lot of kids. Start early and keep having them.
Chuck Schumer
#68. The vast majority of the people employed by Wall Street are the secretary who goes in to work on the Long Island Rail Road, who makes fifty, sixty, seventy thousand dollars a year.
Chuck Schumer
#69. What's wrong with being alone anyway? Being alone is sometimes a great place to be, but people are always trying to correct this "problem" for you, even if you yourself don't have any kind of problem with it.
Amy Schumer
#70. I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
Amy Schumer
#71. You have to show Israel that it's not going to be forced to do things it doesn't want to do and can't do.
Chuck Schumer
#72. The only people who use them [so-called assault weapons] are mass murderers ...
Charles Schumer
#73. You do have to change things as warfare changes.
Chuck Schumer
#74. I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
Amy Schumer
#75. The living take a part of the dead with them, carrying them around in their minds, like a song that lingers after the music has been turned off.
Fern Schumer Chapman
#76. If we say the Geneva Convention is obsolete, then what do others who have our soldiers say?
Chuck Schumer
#77. I'm not sure we will have every single Democrat ... but we want a large number of Republicans to be able to vote for this bill because we think that will encourage the House not only to move forward but to pass a bill.
Charles Schumer
#78. My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.
Amy Schumer
#79. The bottom line is there are lots of problems that were not created by government. The biggest one is loss of middle class incomes, loss of good-paying jobs which was created by technology and globalization. Above all, when you can move a job to China or India, it reduces wages.
Chuck Schumer
#80. The 2014 election was not a repudiation of government in general.
Chuck Schumer
#81. My mom's always saying really smart things ... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
Amy Schumer
#82. Wall Street excesses helped lead to the Great Recession.
Chuck Schumer
#83. I went to the public schools myself. And they were great for me.
Chuck Schumer
#84. When Republicans say, 'The first thing you do when you do deficit reduction is reduce rates,' it would be like Democrats saying, 'The first thing you do when you do deficit reduction is provide free Medicare at age 55.' We'd like to do that! But it won't bring the deficit down. That's for sure.
Chuck Schumer
#85. The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
Amy Schumer
#86. No one believed [the 1986 amnesty for illegal aliens] was tough enough on illegal immigration, and it didn't give enough flexibility on future legal immigration.
Charles Schumer
#87. If you're a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don't hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them - like the sun.
Amy Schumer
#88. So I want my kids to go to public schools because I think it's a better education overall.
Chuck Schumer
#89. You have to walk in the other guy's moccasins. You have to think what they think. If you want to bring somebody onto your side, you have to figure out what motivates them. What do they need?
Chuck Schumer
#90. I'd like to see the health care professionals making decisions, not some bureaucrat in Indianapolis working for an insurance company.
Chuck Schumer
#91. I'm totally opposed to vouchers. I will fight them tooth and nail.
Chuck Schumer
#92. Whether you are a Democrat or Republican, whether you are a liberal or a conservative, we know that neither this President nor prior Presidents of both parties did everything right or we would not have had a 9/11.
Chuck Schumer
#93. I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.
Amy Schumer
#94. Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
Amy Schumer
#95. The Tea Party is a rear guard, not a vanguard.
Chuck Schumer
#96. Let me say this, to all of the chattering class that so much focuses on those little tiny, yes, porky amendments - the American people really don't care.
Chuck Schumer
#97. A devastating commentary on the war in Iraq is that we have been unable to spend money on infrastructure.
Chuck Schumer
#98. To do health care was a noble, good thing, and it will help America dramatically. I don't begrudge Barack Obama choosing it, even though if I were president, I might not have.
Chuck Schumer
#99. He was really into family ... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
Amy Schumer
#100. Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
Amy Schumer
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