Top 100 Sarah Silverman Quotes
#1. People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am - I'm white!
Sarah Silverman
#2. I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
#3. One thing about writing 'The Sarah Silverman Program' was the concern that I don't give myself the best story, you know what I mean?
Brian Posehn
#4. Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
Joan Rivers
#5. I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics.
Jen Kirkman
#6. I dress normal because I want people to treat me regular. And their brains explode. It's really fun.
Sarah Silverman
#7. I like to think of myself as 'hot-larious' I'm cute, but I'm totally approachable.
Sarah Silverman
#8. I'm sympathetic to the nuns' violent impulses. I mean, if I'd given up sex to devote myself to a man who I had to just trust loved me, despite never being physically around to prove it, I'd probably be smacking little children too.
Sarah Silverman
#9. I will always try to be happy. I don't think people really understand the value of happiness until they know what it's like to be in that very, very dark place. It's not romantic. Not even a little.
Sarah Silverman
#10. I talk to friends who get their feelings hurt when they read Twitter mentions. I have an amazing solution - don't read Twitter mentions.
Sarah Silverman
#11. She loved dogs, New York, television, children, friendship, sex, laughing, heartbreaking songs, marijuana, farts, and cuddling.
Sarah Silverman
#12. People who call themselves divas ... you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.
Sarah Silverman
#13. When you're a bed wetter there's only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they're hard to come by.
Sarah Silverman
#14. Comics who grew up surviving their childhood by being able to be the first one to make the joke about their weight or their hairy arms - like me - whatever they're insecure about, whatever they're apologizing for, that becomes their strength.
Sarah Silverman
#15. Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?
Sarah Silverman
#16. The audience works as such a mob. They either all laugh or all don't laugh, and, you know, changes from audience to audience.
Sarah Silverman
#17. I happen to think that there are already tons of perfectly good babies out there already born.
Sarah Silverman
#18. When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach.
Sarah Silverman
#19. Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.
Sarah Silverman
#20. I remember my first standup act when I was seventeen; I did a really lame song about being flat chested. I was doing it in New York, and I remember Kevin Brennan, the guy I lost my virginity to, was like "That song doesn't make sense, you have tits."
Sarah Silverman
#21. But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
Sarah Silverman
#22. Jews are the most liberal, scrappy, civil-rightsy people there are.
Sarah Silverman
#23. I was a bedwetter until I was about 15, and it was humiliating.
Sarah Silverman
#24. The thing about depression is that, if you're not the one who's actually suffering from it, there's very little you can do to be proactive. If someone in your family is depressed, all you can really do is send them to the shrink, get them their meds, be gentle, and wait.
Sarah Silverman
#25. If you decide to do comedy that involves risk, risk means risk, and you can't complain of flesh wounds if you sit down at the table to play.
Sarah Silverman
#26. When you're a comic, it's like being born gay. It's what you want to do every night when your other friends are out at night going to parties.
Sarah Silverman
#28. I started out in clubs, and I've always liked clubs. I like theaters because people are there for the show.
Sarah Silverman
#29. Making my family laugh when I was little - it became an addiction. It was a kind of survival.
Sarah Silverman
#30. When I was three, my dad thought it would be hilarious to teach me swear words, then have me say them to his friends. They would laugh and laugh. I realize now the laugh was pure shock value, but it felt really good, and I've been chasing it ever since.
Sarah Silverman
#31. If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.
Sarah Silverman
#33. In the big picture, life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it.
Sarah Silverman
#35. There are so many great comedies, right now. I like how comedies are really mixing. They're not just one thing. It can be very moving and dramatic, and yet hilarious.
Sarah Silverman
#36. Growing up, I always loved Disney movies, but the first movie I remember seeing is 'Sleepers,' so I wasn't really taken to children's movies.
Sarah Silverman
#37. I can see myself adopting. I'm not in a rush to do it. I'm 39, I know, but I do love kids, and I'm very good - I've got a lot of really good moves.
Sarah Silverman
#38. The anxiety of being in Heather's stuff was stress-gravy on an already terror-filled plate.
Sarah Silverman
#39. If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will be sparkling clean.
Sarah Silverman
#40. They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.
Sarah Silverman
#41. I looked up at this train car full of strangers, and my heart soared. In New Hampshire, I'd always felt like a goat among sheep; until I got to New York it had never occurred to me that there could be a place filled with other goats.
Sarah Silverman
#42. I'm very lucky in that I still experience highs and lows and I think those lows are important, but I am not totally paralyzed and it keeps me from just complete state of paralysis emotionally and almost physically.
Sarah Silverman
#43. I like my life alone. I mean, I love being with friends, and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.
Sarah Silverman
#44. I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
Sarah Silverman
#45. Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist. He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure.
Sarah Silverman
#46. I'm all sentimental. I've probably been ruined by romantic movies, but I really do believe in love. I've experienced it, I've had it, so I know it's real.
Sarah Silverman
#47. I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.
Sarah Silverman
#48. I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.
Sarah Silverman
#49. I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.
Sarah Silverman
#50. Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.
Sarah Silverman
#51. I was paralyzed with fear. It was unbearable to be among other kids who were just standing around being fine. It was one of the many inconveniences of this paradox I lived with -the more people I was surrounded by, the more frighteningly alone I felt.
Sarah Silverman
#52. If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding.
Sarah Silverman
#53. I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically.
Sarah Silverman
#54. Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know ... because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years ... but younger black women are prostitutes.
Sarah Silverman
#55. Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
Sarah Silverman
#56. I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.
Sarah Silverman
#57. If you sell the Vatican and you take that money and you use it to feed every single human being on the planet, you will get cah-azy pussy. All the pussy. I don't mean literally. That might not be your cup of tea. I don't know what your version of 'all the pussy' is. But you'll get all the pussy.
Sarah Silverman
#58. My dad loves to be talked about, good or bad. He just loves it. He's not even hearing the content, he's just hearing him. When I'm onstage, he's looking at the audience members and can't believe that there are strangers listening to me, and he's just delighted by the whole thing.
Sarah Silverman
#59. I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons ... which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
Sarah Silverman
#60. It fills me with a weird rage to wear shoes that make me not able to walk easily or run if I had to. It feeds into this whole 'war on women' thing in my head.
Sarah Silverman
#61. I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.
Sarah Silverman
#62. My dad was a bedwetter; I think his dad was a bedwetter. I like to talk about it because it's something that I thought would be my deepest, darkest secret my whole life, and then you become an adult, and it's not.
Sarah Silverman
#64. I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.
Sarah Silverman
#66. I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have.
Sarah Silverman
#67. I can only speak from my own experience, and I would say that the depression I experienced feels like a chemical change. When it came over me, when it comes over me, it feels like it's coming over me like a flu.
Sarah Silverman
#68. I am Jewish and proud of this culturally and ethnically - the ways in which I was born this way and am happy with whom I am.
Sarah Silverman
#69. Mommy is one of the chosen people ... and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!
Sarah Silverman
#70. I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.
Sarah Silverman
#71. I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
Sarah Silverman
#72. People can't help what topics cut them deep. It all depends on who's inferring - and what the contexts of their lives are at the time.
Sarah Silverman
#73. I think I've been called edgy - but in all honesty, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot. Unless you're just listening to buzz words and not taking into account the context of the situation, you see I'm always the ignoramus.
Sarah Silverman
#74. I never want to be in a position where I have to defend my material. It's too subjective. It's for other people to defend or not defend.
Sarah Silverman
#75. I think fake boobs have done great things for real boobs. I think people finally appreciate real boobs. People like real boobs. I do. I also enjoy the fact that they are life-nourishers.
Sarah Silverman
#78. I am 39 years old, and I still wake up every morning really excited I don't have to go to school.
Sarah Silverman
#79. I was going to get an abortion the other day.
I totally wanted an abortion.
And it turns out I was just thirsty.
Sarah Silverman
#80. The first time I did stand-up I was 17, and I was really a stand-up once I was 19 in New York, and now I'm 41, and I still feel like I haven't found myself onstage. Earlier in my career, I was really tight, really together, and knew who I was and I was confident.
Sarah Silverman
#81. Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.
Sarah Silverman
#82. Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.
Sarah Silverman
#83. You can be Hitler and go to confession and say forgive me, Father, I killed six million Jews, and the priest would just be like no problem. Say 10 Heil Marys. And Hitler goes to heaven.
Sarah Silverman
#84. I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman.
Sarah Silverman
#85. Why would I become involved with something that doesn't include everyone? If you're getting married today, it's the equivalent of joining a country club that doesn't allow blacks or Jews.
Sarah Silverman
#86. Look, I get it. Loose stools are grosser than solid ones. But the censor is using the context of her own life history with all her hang-ups to answer the question, Is there a defensible ratio of fiber to water in this stool?
Sarah Silverman
#87. I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me.
Sarah Silverman
#88. If I have to write by a certain time, I can pull through, but usually I just let stuff happen, hanging out with comic friends - or bringing a basic idea on stage and seeing if it goes anywhere.
Sarah Silverman
#89. I always look at myself knowing that I will have a certain degree of cognitive distortion.
Sarah Silverman
#90. It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.
Sarah Silverman
#91. I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
Sarah Silverman
#92. Nothing is taboo if you have an angle on it. That said, critiquing women's human shells isn't my thang. Though there's probably something funny or interesting to be said about those who do it, and what that comes from.
Sarah Silverman
#93. I definitely think that prescription drugs, like antidepressants, are prescribed so cavalierly, anyone can get anything, but I need it. I do think that it needs to work hand and hand with therapy.
Sarah Silverman
#94. My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.
Sarah Silverman
#96. Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.
Sarah Silverman
#97. You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.
Sarah Silverman
#98. We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't.
Sarah Silverman
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