Top 100 Roseanne's Quotes
#1. They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!
Roseanne Barr
#2. You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.
Roseanne Barr
#3. But that's the thing about Outs. They are so far on the periphery that people underestimate them. And people don't realize that they've underestimated them until it's too late.
Roseanne Cheng
#4. I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.
Roseanne Barr
#5. That's the thing about being young
we are textbook pages
of trial and error
falling down and getting up
not by way of standing and
brushing off our jeans
buy by laying where we fell
until we were high enough to forget
Kalyn Roseanne Livernois
#6. The one who cares the most wins ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over ... I cared the most.
Roseanne Barr
#7. There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.
Roseanne Barr
#8. Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it.
Roseanne Barr
#9. A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?
Roseanne Barr
#10. The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
Johnny Carson
#11. I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.
Roseanne Barr
#12. My DVR, like, sees inside my soul, and inside my soul is a 65-year-old retired woman. So there's Food Network, HGTV and 'Golden Girls' reruns. And 'Roseanne.'
Ross Mathews
#13. I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.
Roseanne Barr
#14. I consider myself to be apretty good judge of people ... That's why I don't like any of them.
Roseanne Barr
#15. You're only seventeen, you're too young to have a meatloaf recipe ... go get something pierced.
Roseanne Barr
#16. One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.
Roseanne Barr
#17. It is puzzling why anyone would want to (become governor of California). It's like vying to become Roseanne Barr's next husband. Sure you'd get your name in the paper, but look at the mess you'd be getting yourself into.
Ann Coulter
#18. As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
Roseanne Barr
#19. Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.
Roseanne Barr
#20. Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It's a mind-expander, which is part of why it's illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.
Roseanne Barr
#21. I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.
Roseanne Barr
#22. There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.
Roseanne Barr
#24. Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.
Roseanne Barr
#25. You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.
Roseanne Barr
#26. Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.
Roseanne Barr
#27. The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
Roseanne Barr
#28. There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads.
Roseanne Barr
#29. US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.
Roseanne Barr
#30. Whatever helps you sleep is my opinion on the subject, and that's what I like about the western world's most popular religion, it has helped put so many people to sleep, although most of them permanently and without their approval.
Roseanne Barr
#31. When I was little, that was one thing that I was told in a vision: I was going to have my own show when I grew up. And it's going to be funny.
Roseanne Barr
#32. The only options open for girls then were of course mother, secretary or teacher. At least that's what we all thought and were preparing ourselves for. Now, I must say how lucky we are, as women, to live in an age where 'Dental Hygienist' has been added to the list.
Roseanne Barr
#33. When I'm back home in Chicago, since 'Roseanne' was such a Midwestern, blue-collar show, that's what sticks out in people's minds.
Johnny Galecki
#34. I got, like, Diane Keaton's manager, and she was very connected; she had power. And she was like, "Your star is in tears on this comedy. Do you even notice that at all?"
Roseanne Barr
#35. I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too.
Roseanne Barr
#36. It's a big culture of mind control too, MK-Ultra mind control rules in Hollywood. If you don't know that, google it and look into it. It's really hard for artists to find their voice in the media. It's levels of brainwashing and mind control.
Roseanne Barr
#37. Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness ... it's just been a really great thing in my life.
Roseanne Barr
#38. [Roseanne Roseannadanna line:] It's always something.
Gilda Radner
#39. I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great.
Roseanne Barr
#40. Truth is available to the ears that can hear it.
Roseanne Barr
#41. It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.
Roseanne Barr
#42. I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.
Roseanne Barr
#43. Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?
Roseanne Barr
#44. Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting.
Roseanne Barr
#45. A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
Roseanne Barr
#46. It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't.
Roseanne Barr
#47. I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.
Roseanne Barr
#48. Two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy.
Roseanne Barr
#49. We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.
Roseanne Barr
#50. I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.
Roseanne Barr
#51. I do kabbalistic meditation. It's not unlike time travel; it can change the past and not just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost.
Roseanne Barr
#52. I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.
Roseanne Barr
#53. I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.
Roseanne Barr
#54. The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
Roseanne Barr
#55. I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.
Roseanne Barr
#56. In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.
Roseanne Barr
#57. The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.
Roseanne Barr
#58. In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.
Roseanne Barr
#59. Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
Roseanne Barr
#60. Illiteracy is a huge problem in America. One in three adults in our country is illiterate.
Roseanne Barr
#61. If 'Married With Children' hadn't come out when it did, would we really be looking at 'Roseanne,' 'The Middle,' and 'Raising Hope' and being, like, 'Look at how stereotypical they are to lower-income white people!'
Parvesh Cheena
#62. I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.
Roseanne Barr
#63. This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.
Roseanne Barr
#64. Everyone in America (according to my generalizations) is a potential millionaire waiting for his or her big break. I was astonished lately to realize that Americans are definitely believing in and planning for the future, despite the fact that they elected Ronald Reagan twice.
Roseanne Barr
#65. I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.
Roseanne Barr
#66. I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!
Roseanne Barr
#67. I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.
Roseanne Barr
#68. Everything on this earth right now is about labor and slavery. War is the only American export left that anyone wants to buy.
Roseanne Barr
#69. I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'
Roseanne Barr
#70. I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.
Roseanne Barr
#71. I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.
Roseanne Barr
#72. School yourself in all occasions to keep perfectly cool; maintain a perfect control of temper, come what will: one that can govern himself can govern others.
Roseanne Montillo
#73. Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama cannot win, and they are put in place to assure a victory by Mitt Romney ... this is the plan of all the insurance companies that are owned by Mormon interests. It is unfolding as the Mormon Church planned over the last fifty years.
Roseanne Barr
#74. I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.
Roseanne Barr
#75. I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.
Roseanne Barr
#76. Politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses.
Roseanne Barr
#77. I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.
Roseanne Barr
#78. I flew back and forth and did episodes of Roseanne while I was at Yale.
Sara Gilbert
#79. Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
Roseanne Barr
#80. I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.
Roseanne Barr
#81. Do you have any idea how attractive you are?
Well, I'm better than roseanne Barr, I suppose.
Lucy Robinson
#82. I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.
Roseanne Barr
#83. Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.
Roseanne Barr
#85. I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.
Roseanne Barr
#86. Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey.
Roseanne Barr
#87. After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.
Roseanne Barr
#88. Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.
Roseanne Barr
#89. To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.
Roseanne Barr
#90. I hold to nothing but envisioning international peace and utopia. We all have many more things in common than not.
Roseanne Barr
#91. So many people: Lucille Ball is the earliest incarnation of a woman I thought was funny, Joan Rivers, Roseanne, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radnor, down to current times, where you have Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Kristen Wiig.
Chelsea Peretti
#92. It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
Roseanne Barr
#93. I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.
Roseanne Barr
#94. Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature ...
Roseanne Barr
#95. I remember performing on a punk stage with no mic in the middle of a mosh pit. My act was called "How to Be a Domestic Goddess."
Roseanne Barr
#96. Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.
Roseanne Barr
#97. I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.
Roseanne Barr
#98. I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.
Roseanne Barr
#99. I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
Roseanne Barr
#100. TV is a language all its own, a land of one dimensional stereotypes that destroys culture, not adds to it. TV is anti-art, a reflection of consumerism that serves the power structure. TV is about demographics.
Roseanne Barr
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