Top 100 Roseanne Barr Quotes
#1. Do you have any idea how attractive you are?
Well, I'm better than roseanne Barr, I suppose.
Lucy Robinson
#2. It is puzzling why anyone would want to (become governor of California). It's like vying to become Roseanne Barr's next husband. Sure you'd get your name in the paper, but look at the mess you'd be getting yourself into.
Ann Coulter
#3. The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
Johnny Carson
#4. If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?
Adam Carolla
#6. Someone I met years ago explained to me the difference between a personality and an actor, a personality being Eddie Murphy or Roseanne Barr, and an actor being Morgan Freeman and Alfre Woodard or Marlon Brando.
Orlando Jones
#7. Every year, I have to spend another hour working out. Pretty soon I'll be spending eight hours working out just to fit in the costume. I have the feeling that the minute I stop doing the character, boom, Roseanne Barr.
Cassandra Peterson
#8. Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr - who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.
Jeff Ross
#9. Politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses.
Roseanne Barr
#10. I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.
Roseanne Barr
#11. I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.
Roseanne Barr
#12. Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama cannot win, and they are put in place to assure a victory by Mitt Romney ... this is the plan of all the insurance companies that are owned by Mormon interests. It is unfolding as the Mormon Church planned over the last fifty years.
Roseanne Barr
#13. I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.
Roseanne Barr
#14. I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.
Roseanne Barr
#15. I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'
Roseanne Barr
#16. Everything on this earth right now is about labor and slavery. War is the only American export left that anyone wants to buy.
Roseanne Barr
#17. I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.
Roseanne Barr
#18. I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!
Roseanne Barr
#19. I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.
Roseanne Barr
#20. Everyone in America (according to my generalizations) is a potential millionaire waiting for his or her big break. I was astonished lately to realize that Americans are definitely believing in and planning for the future, despite the fact that they elected Ronald Reagan twice.
Roseanne Barr
#21. This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.
Roseanne Barr
#22. I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.
Roseanne Barr
#23. Illiteracy is a huge problem in America. One in three adults in our country is illiterate.
Roseanne Barr
#24. Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
Roseanne Barr
#25. In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.
Roseanne Barr
#26. The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.
Roseanne Barr
#27. In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.
Roseanne Barr
#28. I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.
Roseanne Barr
#29. The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
Roseanne Barr
#30. I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.
Roseanne Barr
#31. I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.
Roseanne Barr
#32. TV is a language all its own, a land of one dimensional stereotypes that destroys culture, not adds to it. TV is anti-art, a reflection of consumerism that serves the power structure. TV is about demographics.
Roseanne Barr
#33. I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
Roseanne Barr
#34. I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.
Roseanne Barr
#35. I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.
Roseanne Barr
#36. Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.
Roseanne Barr
#37. I remember performing on a punk stage with no mic in the middle of a mosh pit. My act was called "How to Be a Domestic Goddess."
Roseanne Barr
#38. Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature ...
Roseanne Barr
#39. I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.
Roseanne Barr
#40. It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
Roseanne Barr
#41. I hold to nothing but envisioning international peace and utopia. We all have many more things in common than not.
Roseanne Barr
#42. I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.
Roseanne Barr
#43. Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.
Roseanne Barr
#44. After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.
Roseanne Barr
#45. Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey.
Roseanne Barr
#46. I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.
Roseanne Barr
#48. Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.
Roseanne Barr
#49. I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.
Roseanne Barr
#50. I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.
Roseanne Barr
#51. Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
Roseanne Barr
#52. To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.
Roseanne Barr
#53. Truth is available to the ears that can hear it.
Roseanne Barr
#54. Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.
Roseanne Barr
#55. You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.
Roseanne Barr
#56. Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.
Roseanne Barr
#58. There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.
Roseanne Barr
#59. I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.
Roseanne Barr
#60. Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It's a mind-expander, which is part of why it's illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.
Roseanne Barr
#61. Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.
Roseanne Barr
#62. As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
Roseanne Barr
#63. One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.
Roseanne Barr
#64. You're only seventeen, you're too young to have a meatloaf recipe ... go get something pierced.
Roseanne Barr
#65. The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment 'Roseanne' dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous!
Roseanne Barr
#67. I consider myself to be apretty good judge of people ... That's why I don't like any of them.
Roseanne Barr
#68. I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.
Roseanne Barr
#69. Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.
Roseanne Barr
#70. There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.
Roseanne Barr
#71. I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.
Roseanne Barr
#72. I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'
Roseanne Barr
#73. Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?
Roseanne Barr
#74. A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.
Roseanne Barr
#75. Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.
Roseanne Barr
#76. Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
Roseanne Barr
#77. You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
Roseanne Barr
#78. Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.
Roseanne Barr
#79. A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.
Roseanne Barr
#80. You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'
Roseanne Barr
#81. I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful.
Roseanne Barr
#82. A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?
Roseanne Barr
#83. Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it.
Roseanne Barr
#84. I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing.
Roseanne Barr
#85. Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.
Roseanne Barr
#86. There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.
Roseanne Barr
#87. I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show.
Roseanne Barr
#88. I want to be the girl in Indiana Jones. I would love to do an adventure movie where I was saving the world. It might be cool if I used a lot of kitchen tools to fight off the enemy.
Roseanne Barr
#89. The one who cares the most wins ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over ... I cared the most.
Roseanne Barr
#90. I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.
Roseanne Barr
#91. I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.
Roseanne Barr
#92. I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things.
Roseanne Barr
#93. Being hated and hunted and blamed for your own suffering makes people kind of testy, nervous, and on edge, and often fundamentalist and extreme. Bombs get thrown only when people cannot honestly talk together.
Roseanne Barr
#94. The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.
Roseanne Barr
#95. The American people are sick and tired of this 'lesser evil' garbage they get fed every election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they're in office.
Roseanne Barr
#96. You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.
Roseanne Barr
#97. My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
Roseanne Barr
#98. My dad taught me swears when I was a toddler, and I saw, at a really early age, that if I shocked people, I would get approval, and it made my arms itch with glee. I got addicted to it. It became this source of power in a totally powerless life.
Roseanne Barr
#99. I hate alcoholics and AA (alcoholics anonymous). If you can't drink responsibly, don't drink at all. Don't go to meetings, whine about your character flaws and blame the fact that you are a sociopath on booze.
Roseanne Barr
#100. I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.
Roseanne Barr
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