Top 100 Roseanne Quotes
#1. This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.
Roseanne Barr
#2. If 'Married With Children' hadn't come out when it did, would we really be looking at 'Roseanne,' 'The Middle,' and 'Raising Hope' and being, like, 'Look at how stereotypical they are to lower-income white people!'
Parvesh Cheena
#3. So many people: Lucille Ball is the earliest incarnation of a woman I thought was funny, Joan Rivers, Roseanne, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radnor, down to current times, where you have Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Kristen Wiig.
Chelsea Peretti
#4. Do you have any idea how attractive you are?
Well, I'm better than roseanne Barr, I suppose.
Lucy Robinson
#5. I flew back and forth and did episodes of Roseanne while I was at Yale.
Sara Gilbert
#6. It is puzzling why anyone would want to (become governor of California). It's like vying to become Roseanne Barr's next husband. Sure you'd get your name in the paper, but look at the mess you'd be getting yourself into.
Ann Coulter
#7. One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.
Roseanne Barr
#8. The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment 'Roseanne' dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous!
Roseanne Barr
#9. I know Chuck Lorre personally, and am familiar with his work going back to 'Roseanne' and 'Cybil.'
Bob Newhart
#10. My DVR, like, sees inside my soul, and inside my soul is a 65-year-old retired woman. So there's Food Network, HGTV and 'Golden Girls' reruns. And 'Roseanne.'
Ross Mathews
#11. The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
Johnny Carson
#12. Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?
Roseanne Barr
#13. A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.
Roseanne Barr
#14. I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show.
Roseanne Barr
#15. I've been watching 'The Cosby Show' and 'Roseanne' a lot right now, and those work so well because they're not, like, jokey comedies; they are coming from real characters. We want our show to be like that. A family show.
Abbi Jacobson
#16. Barry recounts all this in prose of often startling beauty. Just as he describes people stopping in the street to look at Roseanne, so I often found myself stopping to look at the sentences he gave her, wanting to pause and copy them down.
Margot Livesey
#17. If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?
Adam Carolla
#18. Roseanne, Roseanne, if I called to you now, my own self calling to my own self, would you hear me? And if you could hear me, would you heed me?
Sebastian Barry
#19. My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.
Roseanne Barr
#20. We would finish dinner, and then we'd all sit around as a family and watch 'Roseanne.' That was a big one.
Tyler Ritter
#21. They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!
Roseanne Barr
#22. Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.
Roseanne Barr
#24. I love Chuck Lorre. I did a little guest spot on 'Roseanne' when I was fourteen. It was a whirlwind experience in a week and I think with Chuck, I had auditioned for him for a couple of other shows of his over the years.
Sara Rue
#25. I was living in Evanston, Illinois and I was taking theater classes down the street, and our theater school was kind of affiliated with an agency, and so I went on one audition for whatever that movie was, 'My Stepmother is an Alien' or whatever it was, and 'Roseanne' was my second audition.
Lecy Goranson
#26. Someone I met years ago explained to me the difference between a personality and an actor, a personality being Eddie Murphy or Roseanne Barr, and an actor being Morgan Freeman and Alfre Woodard or Marlon Brando.
Orlando Jones
#27. Every year, I have to spend another hour working out. Pretty soon I'll be spending eight hours working out just to fit in the costume. I have the feeling that the minute I stop doing the character, boom, Roseanne Barr.
Cassandra Peterson
#28. [Roseanne Roseannadanna line:] It's always something.
Gilda Radner
#29. I grew up with 'Roseanne'; I kind of adore her and stuff like' Home Improvement', really traditional American stuff.
Jessie Cave
#30. My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.
Roseanne Barr
#31. When I started on 'Roseanne,' it was a great achievement for me at the time. But I wasn't a part of building it; I wasn't a carpenter in creating that juggernaut.
Johnny Galecki
#32. Roseanne was incredible to work with. She was extremely bright.
Sarah Chalke
#33. When I'm back home in Chicago, since 'Roseanne' was such a Midwestern, blue-collar show, that's what sticks out in people's minds.
Johnny Galecki
#34. When Roseanne read the first script of mine that got into her hands without being edited by someone else she said, 'How can you write a middle-aged woman this well?' I said, 'If you met my mom you wouldn't ask'.
Joss Whedon
#35. Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr - who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.
Jeff Ross
#36. Politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses.
Roseanne Barr
#37. I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.
Roseanne Barr
#38. I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.
Roseanne Barr
#39. Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama cannot win, and they are put in place to assure a victory by Mitt Romney ... this is the plan of all the insurance companies that are owned by Mormon interests. It is unfolding as the Mormon Church planned over the last fifty years.
Roseanne Barr
#40. School yourself in all occasions to keep perfectly cool; maintain a perfect control of temper, come what will: one that can govern himself can govern others.
Roseanne Montillo
#41. I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.
Roseanne Barr
#42. I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.
Roseanne Barr
#43. I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'
Roseanne Barr
#44. Everything on this earth right now is about labor and slavery. War is the only American export left that anyone wants to buy.
Roseanne Barr
#45. I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.
Roseanne Barr
#46. I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!
Roseanne Barr
#47. I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.
Roseanne Barr
#48. Everyone in America (according to my generalizations) is a potential millionaire waiting for his or her big break. I was astonished lately to realize that Americans are definitely believing in and planning for the future, despite the fact that they elected Ronald Reagan twice.
Roseanne Barr
#49. I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.
Roseanne Barr
#50. Illiteracy is a huge problem in America. One in three adults in our country is illiterate.
Roseanne Barr
#51. Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
Roseanne Barr
#52. In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.
Roseanne Barr
#53. The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.
Roseanne Barr
#54. In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.
Roseanne Barr
#55. I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.
Roseanne Barr
#56. The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
Roseanne Barr
#57. I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.
Roseanne Barr
#58. I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.
Roseanne Barr
#59. TV is a language all its own, a land of one dimensional stereotypes that destroys culture, not adds to it. TV is anti-art, a reflection of consumerism that serves the power structure. TV is about demographics.
Roseanne Barr
#60. I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
Roseanne Barr
#61. I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.
Roseanne Barr
#62. I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.
Roseanne Barr
#63. Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.
Roseanne Barr
#64. I remember performing on a punk stage with no mic in the middle of a mosh pit. My act was called "How to Be a Domestic Goddess."
Roseanne Barr
#65. Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature ...
Roseanne Barr
#66. I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.
Roseanne Barr
#67. It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
Roseanne Barr
#68. I hold to nothing but envisioning international peace and utopia. We all have many more things in common than not.
Roseanne Barr
#69. I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.
Roseanne Barr
#70. Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.
Roseanne Barr
#71. After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.
Roseanne Barr
#72. Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey.
Roseanne Barr
#73. I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.
Roseanne Barr
#75. Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.
Roseanne Barr
#76. I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.
Roseanne Barr
#77. I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.
Roseanne Barr
#78. Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
Roseanne Barr
#79. To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.
Roseanne Barr
#80. Truth is available to the ears that can hear it.
Roseanne Barr
#81. Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.
Roseanne Barr
#82. You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.
Roseanne Barr
#83. Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.
Roseanne Barr
#85. There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.
Roseanne Barr
#86. I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.
Roseanne Barr
#87. Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It's a mind-expander, which is part of why it's illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.
Roseanne Barr
#88. Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.
Roseanne Barr
#89. As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
Roseanne Barr
#90. You're only seventeen, you're too young to have a meatloaf recipe ... go get something pierced.
Roseanne Barr
#92. I consider myself to be apretty good judge of people ... That's why I don't like any of them.
Roseanne Barr
#93. I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.
Roseanne Barr
#94. Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.
Roseanne Barr
#95. There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.
Roseanne Barr
#96. I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.
Roseanne Barr
#97. I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'
Roseanne Barr
#98. A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.
Roseanne Barr
#99. Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.
Roseanne Barr
#100. Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
Roseanne Barr
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