Top 100 Lit Humor Quotes
#1. Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.
Lois Greiman
#2. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Lois Greiman
#4. I don't trust nobody that don't have my name tattooed on her ass, and then it's iffy.
Lois Greiman
#5. Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.
Lois Greiman
#6. Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.
Lois Greiman
#7. There is no surer road to perdition than the ledger glands dictate your direction.
Lois Greiman
#8. And what else is she?" Jerome asked. Jazza didn't offer any reply so I chimed in with, "A bitchweasel?"
"A bitchweasel!" Jazza's face lit up. "She's a bitchweasel! I love my new roommate.
Maureen Johnson
#9. I knew it," she snapped. "You're no different from all men. You're just another jerk pretending to be single! I didn't wanna wrap a lie into a Christmas present anyway.
Maha Erwin
#10. Now, Richard Pryor was unique. Many misunderstood his humor. He lit up the hallway, but they didn't understand his use of profanity. He didn't use it just to be using it; he used it in the context of his satire.
Bill Cosby
#11. Life has a whimsical way of kicking you in the throat. I find it to
be one huge cosmic joke at our expense, only nobody is laughing
but the forces that be - given that they are even a wee bit human.
Lori Goldson
#12. It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.
Lois Greiman
#13. I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.
Lois Greiman
#14. My eyelashes tickled the peephole. from Fogged Up Fairy Tale (Summer 2014)
Denise Baer
#15. Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his.
Lois Greiman
#17. A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.
Lois Greiman
#19. Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier.
Lois Greiman
#20. At 2:00 sharp on the afternoon of his internment, with his body resting in a casket in the front room of his home, the pallbearers--all bridge players--stuck a deck of cards in Mr. Hampton's cold hands, shut the lid over his head, and played bridge.
Brenda Sutton Rose
#21. I love crafting. Knitting, decoupage, scrapbooking, any "lady-ish" art form, I'm a fan. For about six months each. Then I shove all the supplies in a closet, alongside the skeletons of long dead New Year's resolutions, like saber fencing, playing the ukulele, and Japanese brush painting.
Felicia Day
#22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Tommy Cooper
#23. In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.
Lois Greiman
#24. Honey, that man would do anything to keep you. Lie, steal, cheat, kill, clean up after himself, and do laundry.
Alisa Sheckley
#25. All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.
Lois Greiman
#26. He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.
Lois Greiman
#27. Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.
Lois Greiman
#28. Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.
Lois Greiman
#31. I couldn't help but feel a little smug at the prospect of finding my phone this way. I was going to beat Dad at his own game, using the ability he didn't believe I had.
Ha! Take that, you muggle!
K.J. McPike
#32. And besides . . . I don't want to leave you. Er, you guys."
He smiled, and it lit up his whole face. "Well, 'we' are certainly happy to hear that. Oh, and I'm also happy to watch our darling little love child dragon while you're in St. Louis."
I grinned back.
Richelle Mead
#33. Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops.
Lois Greiman
#34. Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.
Lois Greiman
#35. Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: Deh moon looks like hell, don't it?
Stephen Crane
#36. Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's.
Lois Greiman
#37. Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance.
Lois Greiman
#38. The Female Orgasm. The Big O. That elusive, reclusive Loch Ness of the labia. Does it prove the existence of God, or just His twisted sense of humor?
Kirstie Collins Brote
#39. If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed.
Lois Greiman
#40. If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.
Lois Greiman
#41. Almost sneezing is like almost having an orgasm. Sure it tickles getting there, but if you don't get the release you were hoping for at the end, then what's the point?
Karyn Bosnak
#42. Love is like skydiving without a parachute.
Lois Greiman
#43. I don't care what Cosmo says about exercise improving sex. Some things aren't worth the cost.
Lois Greiman
#44. Veni, vidi, vici. That was easy for Julius Caesar to say; he crossed Italy in a chariot, not on a stupid bike." - Vivia
Leah Marie Brown
#45. You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.
Lois Greiman
#46. Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.
Lois Greiman
#47. When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all.
Lois Greiman
#48. I don't believe this. How can he not want to go to the Savoy? God, it's all right for top businessmen, isn't it? Free champagne, yawn, yawn. Goody bags, yet another party, yawn, how tedious and dull.
Sophie Kinsella
#49. Chick Lit uses humor to reflect life back to us. It's a very comforting genre, and it's the first time our generation has had a voice. It's a very important genre for all of those reasons.
Marian Keyes
#50. The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.
Lois Greiman
#51. Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.
Lois Greiman
#52. Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death.
Lois Greiman
#53. If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?
Lois Greiman
#54. If I were being honest with myself, he lit a blaze, not just a blush, but that's too much reality for me to admit.
S.L. Scott
#55. What in god's name happened to your nuts?"
"They met a jet-powered water hose."
He grimaced.
"They're already healing."
A rare glint of amusement lit Lawrence's eyes. "You have balls of steel."
"You have inappropriate humour.
Dianna Hardy
#56. Are you telling me Kara Orris is afraid of rain?" Hunter's grin twisted into a smirk as his eyes lit up, relishing his new discovery with absolute delight. "Why, that's adorable!
Katherine McIntyre
#57. Whoa!" I jerked my hand up to stop him. "Wait, what?" I asked as sick horror shot through me. "You mean, like when the bodies get cut open?"
Delight lit his face. "Yes, you'll be helping with the autopsies. You didn't know that?
Diana Rowland
#58. A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul.
Lois Greiman
#59. And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.
Lois Greiman
#60. If you're a disheveled, easily distracted person, it's always scary when someone asks what your plan is for the day. We don't know our plans.
Distracted people make plans in transit.
Lisa Smartt
#61. Mark Twain said, "Humor is mankind's greatest blessing." Dorsey Bing said, "I'll take womankind's greatest blessing: more wine.
CeCe Osgood
#62. Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.
Lois Greiman
#63. Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.
Jen Lancaster
#64. There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.
Lois Greiman
#65. Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen
Lois Greiman
#66. You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart.
Lois Greiman
#67. In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision.
Lois Greiman
#68. Your ... Your aura. It's ... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today ... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?
Richelle Mead
#69. If you don't like your teeth; keep your mouth shut.
Lois Greiman
#70. In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.
Lois Greiman
#71. There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.
Lois Greiman
#72. Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.
Lois Greiman
#73. A person without regrets is called a corpse.
Lois Greiman
#74. Friends disregard your failures and endure your successes.
Lois Greiman
#75. There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders.
Lois Greiman
#76. You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.
Lois Greiman
#77. Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well.
Lois Greiman
#78. That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, ...
Lemony Snicket
#79. The urge to change my mind and not go at all is enormous. I'm absolutely terrified to leave on that boat. But, if I don't go, there'll be one more broken person in this world who gave up a dream to sit in a chair, pick up the TV remote and shrink.
Lexis De Rothschild
#80. Stop looking for your better half! You need to be whole to attract your better whole, if you expect to have a flourishing relationship.
Valerie J. Lewis Coleman
#82. If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.
Lois Greiman
#83. If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.
Lois Greiman
#84. Fucking fuck fuck of a fuck." Shame dug in his pocket for his cigarettes and lighter. His hands shook as he lit up.
"Eloquence, thy name is Flynn," Terric said
Devon Monk
#85. Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards.
Lois Greiman
#86. Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway?
Lois Greiman
#87. The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.
Lois Greiman
#88. I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit
Ann Everett
#89. It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.
Lois Greiman
#90. People who don't get excited about receiving gifts are tired of life.
Anna Maxted
#91. Sometimes you have to pretend to be feeling better to actually feel better. It's why new workout clothes make you feel like you want to work out.
Alice Clayton
#92. It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood.
Lois Greiman
#93. If you only attract Mr. Wrong or Ms. Crazy, evaluate the common thread in this diversity of people: YOU!
Valerie J. Lewis Coleman
#94. Really! But weren't you fearfully tempted?'
'In the abstract but not in the concrete,' said Ursula. 'When it comes to the point, one isn't even tempted - oh, if I were tempted, I'd marry like a shot. I'm only tempted NOT to.' The faces of both sisters suddenly lit up with amusement.
D.H. Lawrence
#95. There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate.
Lois Greiman
#96. They served "Good Food" but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers. But then again, what did I know?
Julie Kenner
#97. (I resent people who use phrases like "my first," so the person they're speaking to is practically obliged to imagine them having sex to complete the sentence. It's not nice.)
Anna Maxted
#99. Oh shit.... I think I just lit his fuse.
Darby Briar
#100. He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.
Lois Greiman
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