Kintz's Quotes

#1. If I did sales - my technique would be to hand-seal each deal with gourmet omelets, by Jarod Kintz's secret invisible recipe that I stole.

Will Advise

#2. The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you're going to see it blink black. That's the moment to start writing.

Jarod Kintz

#3. As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it's also the people of the past, and the people of the future. And the people of the future are the dangerous ones, because you'll never know how good they are.

Jarod Kintz

#4. A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it's healthier than Gatorade.

Jarod Kintz

#5. And I will wait for Jarod to work for me. For free, cause if it's paid, it's work and not love, unless, of course he loves to work, in which case he'll surely love working for me, because I love people who love to do that to love to do that.

Will Advise

#6. I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that's to be expected, since she is a roofer.

Jarod Kintz

#7. The term "global audience" is misleading and meaningless, but I'm proud to say that I do indeed have a global audience. At least while my grandma's vacationing in Ireland, my grandpa's in Germany, and my parents are visiting Australia.

Jarod Kintz

#8. I left Mermaid's Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.

Jarod Kintz

#9. A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I'm proof that it works. It's how I managed to get second to last in my last race.

Jarod Kintz

#10. Standing around making ten dollars an hour - that's what they pay me the big bucks for.

Jarod Kintz

#11. I've got an up-to-the-minute block of 60 seconds. It's on the kitchen counter thawing out at this very moment.

Jarod Kintz

#12. I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It's this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote for me because hey, I can't be worse than the other guy.

Jarod Kintz

#13. Mounting anything on a plaque instantly transforms it from trash into an award. For example, a dry disposable pen goes from junk clutter to the first annual writer's award for dry humor.

Jarod Kintz

#14. A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming - and that you are warm. Where's the cold war when you need it?

Jarod Kintz

#15. I speak Spanish like I chew spinach - like it's dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

Jarod Kintz

#16. In the long run, a treadmill's a great investment.

Jarod Kintz

#17. Don't point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That's how a real politician defers blame.

Jarod Kintz

#18. A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it's only a possibility, but you probably won't like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you'll quickly find out that you were only their favorite child because you were their only child.

Jarod Kintz

#19. A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It's the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

Jarod Kintz

#20. Stop a drunk driver and you stop a murderer - even if he hasn't killed anyone yet. In all the alternate universes, the odds are he's already killed - and will kill again.

Jarod Kintz

#21. Wealth - one billion, two billion, what's the difference? The difference is one billion - the same difference as flat broke, like me, and one billion.

Jarod Kintz

#22. I'd rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It's homemade.

Jarod Kintz

#23. I don't know what's in the box, but I love it. Unopened gifts contain hope.

Jarod Kintz

#24. (Picture of a pirate standing on a treasure chest) It's not about the chest, it's all about the booty.

Jarod Kintz

#25. He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he's not still hungry. If he is, I'll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.

Jarod Kintz

#26. A brick could be used to unite two long-lost brothers. They've been apart for six inches, and that's entirely too long, and I think it'd be good to bring them back together.

Jarod Kintz

#27. If my love were a bagel, I'd put cream cheese on it. But it's not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample?

Jarod Kintz

#28. A brick could be used to illustrate the seriousness of the situation. You'll know I'm not playing when I display a brick. Shit's getting real up in here, motherfucker.

Jarod Kintz

#29. Bricks could be used as words in the saying of a mason. When words and actions match up, you have a structure people could live in. It's a lot to live up to, and a lot to live in.

Jarod Kintz

#30. The canvas isn't empty. It's full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don't even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it.

Jarod Kintz

#31. He met her because I didn't show up that day and he went in my place. If they get married, I should be the best man. I am Invisible Cupid, so where's my monument to love?

Jarod Kintz

#32. Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It's tough because they're slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.

Jarod Kintz

#33. If you don't speak Greek, how do you know if it's all Greek to you?

Jarod Kintz

#34. For a case study in personal branding. Google "Jarod Kintz." He's kind of a big deal.

Ryan Lilly

#35. To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

Jarod Kintz

#36. Writing all day every day is good, but it's not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.

Jarod Kintz

#37. Did I spell the word "did" right? Of course not! I got my D's mixed up.

Jarod Kintz

#38. A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat's rough tongue.

Jarod Kintz

#39. To be angry is easy, but to forgive is hard. That's why to love is easy, and to love is hard. I try to be so hard that I'm soft, like a liquid rock, fluid and forgiving, but unmovable in my resolve.

Jarod Kintz

#40. If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That's not slavery. That'll be the case when I employ 1,000,000,000 clones of myself. I won't pay them, but they are me, so it's not slavery.

Jarod Kintz

#41. Revenge seeks its pound of flesh. That's one fifth of my erection.

Jarod Kintz

#42. I'm so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that'd be a couple, and couple's can't be lonely.

Jarod Kintz

#43. Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else's nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do.

Jarod Kintz

#44. I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it's better to sneak out.

Jarod Kintz

#45. If a university's colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets.

Jarod Kintz

#46. The name's David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I'm also not my own father, if you were wondering.

Jarod Kintz

#47. Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that's how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.

Jarod Kintz

#48. I'm world famous. Throughout the globe - north, south, east, and west - there are literally four people who know my name. It's great to have all four grandparents still living, and widely dispersed around the world.

Jarod Kintz

#49. If love were a color, it'd be orange. Not because that's a romantic color, but because it's the sweetest. If you want to know how I feel about you, I just made some juice out of it. Grab a glass - a tall one.

Jarod Kintz

#50. It's supposed to be raining Thank Yous on Thursday, after an ingratitude draught. Also, you'd better enjoy my love while it's fresh, before it goes rotten and I have to sell it to McDonald's as chicken filler.

Jarod Kintz

#51. It's tough to lose one parent, but to lose two - in a murder/suicide no less! But it's OK, soon after the incident I found out I was abandoned as a baby, so they weren't my real parents anyway.

Jarod Kintz

#52. My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She's tied up in the trunk this very moment.

Jarod Kintz

#53. I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover's hair. Of course they weren't, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.

Jarod Kintz

#54. I'd rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that's just the romantic me.

Jarod Kintz

#55. A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that's why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.

Jarod Kintz

#56. The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn't hate, it's ignoringance.

Jarod Kintz

#57. One Jarod's a lover, and one Jarod's a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one.

Jarod Kintz

#58. I have just been elected Captain of the Nap Squad. It's a very exhausting position, and requires training twice a day, once when I get up and once before bed.

Jarod Kintz

#59. If you asked me if I'd rather make love to you, or have my balls cut out with the spine of a fish, I'll tell you I'll have to get back to you. And after a day of deliberating, I'll probably tell you the fish, provided it's salmon and I can eat it first.

Jarod Kintz

#60. I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That's why I'm wearing a condom.)

Jarod Kintz

#61. With me and my girl, I'm number one - and she's the index finger. We're the same, but I go where she points.

Jarod Kintz

#62. It's better to say something too little, than nothing too much.

Jarod Kintz

#63. Dr. Chuck "Chuckles" Gigglebrooks, lead researcher at the National Association of Laughter Studies, had this conclusion to draw about why people laugh: "It's fun!" I only hope it didn't take a government grant to achieve this scientific breakthrough.

Jarod Kintz

#64. Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me's & bananas individually or by the pocketful.

Jarod Kintz

#65. A brick could be used to perpetually feed the hungry, stop all wars, educate the masses, and ensure everlasting peace for all populations throughout time. Wait, I'm sorry, that's not right. I was confusing a brick with a blanket. It's a blanket that could be used for all those things.

Jarod Kintz

#66. A glazed banana peel is not for eating, it's for innuendo.

Jarod Kintz

#67. I just received the message she left earlier today. She left the message yesterday, but she left today. Now I feel like leftovers, but I don't feel like leftovers. I need to cook and eat a fresh meal to not think of myself as yesterday's fresh meal.

Jarod Kintz

#68. I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That's one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys.

Jarod Kintz

#69. Acne is nothing more than nature's Braille.

Jarod Kintz

#70. I added five shots to my coffee, because that's all the bullets my magazine can hold.

Jarod Kintz

#71. This girl who's slept a hundred years has something after all. It's called Centuryitis, and it has turned me into a man. Oh, what will mamma think when she sees me?!
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz

Karen Quan

#72. What's with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.

Jarod Kintz

#73. Anyone want some of my foot long sub? It's huge! It's nearly half as long as my penis.

Jarod Kintz

#74. I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that's OK, because I like ice water.

Jarod Kintz

#75. He's a buying dude, and I've got to sell him something - like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.)

Jarod Kintz

#76. A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you're having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who's as dry and exciting as a sack of flour.

Jarod Kintz

#77. The cycle of parental disapproval begins at dawn. That's why I have to get up five minutes before sunrise, so I can berate my grandpa like he was my own child.

Jarod Kintz

#78. I work for the nod syndicate. It's a sleepy job. If I'm caught not sleeping on the job, I'll get fired.

Jarod Kintz

#79. It's possible that I couldn't handle the truth, but I sure wouldn't mind fondling it to find out.

Jarod Kintz

#80. My new book is going well. It's practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I'm not writing it, my clone is.

Jarod Kintz

#81. Sometimes I'll forget a utensil's name, and I'll say, "Give me that pointy thing," as I point with my pointy finger.

Jarod Kintz

#82. Her boyfriend can't hold a candle to me. Especially not while I'm holding the strobe light. It's hard to do modern dancing when you're living like it's 1882. Still, I make it look pretty easy.

Jarod Kintz

#83. The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That's why I hand-picked it for my mother-in-law.

Jarod Kintz

#84. I make my own cologne. It's called "Sweat," and it's hard work making it. But I can tell people love it, because they're so envious and jealous when I wear it that they avoid me altogether.

Jarod Kintz

#85. Her name is Coy. She's shy, and I found her in my pond.

Jarod Kintz

#86. 3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That's why men rarely say it, because there is only one in the world for the whole gender to share and take turns using.

Jarod Kintz

#87. Jarod Kintz gets so many retweets, he's like Katniss Everdeen with tourettes in a forest full of Mockingjays.

Ryan Lilly

#88. I'm stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I'd make a great U.S. President, but I'd make an even better chiseled piece of marble - and that's what makes me such an amazing lover.

Jarod Kintz

#89. It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That's when we met, and that's when I knew it was love, two years before.

Jarod Kintz

#90. I put the sing in single - especially when I'm in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they'd like to shout out while the water's getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance.

Jarod Kintz

#91. For me, it's not about winning an award. It's also about not even being nominated.

Jarod Kintz

#92. Dark Jar Tin Zoo's face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch's "The Scream," only less colorful.

Jarod Kintz

#93. If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can't kill on sight alone. It's the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which, they are two sides to the same sandwich.

Jarod Kintz

#94. I drive a car that's covered in fur, because before the automobile, there was the horse.

Jarod Kintz

#95. My apartment complex isn't. No, it's simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart.

Jarod Kintz

#96. Alzheimer's is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what's been stolen.

Jarod Kintz

#97. Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you've got to take stuff. What, do you think someone's just going to hand you what you want?

Jarod Kintz

#98. Exuding confidence can ooze onto everyone around you. But it's sticky and goo-like, so remember to periodically wipe yourself down. I use a squeegee, because I don't like squeezing sponges. The only time I like to squeeze is when hugging a person - or a tree.

Jarod Kintz

#99. A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it's everything a politician isn't.

Jarod Kintz

#100. If it's dangerous, then you go first. If it's pleasurable, then I'll be brave and lead the charge.

Jarod Kintz