Top 100 Jarod Kintz Quotes
#1. My last girlfriend was a Showgirl - But we eventually broke up because she wouldn't Tell me anything. Now I'm dating a girl who looks exactly like my grandma, only my girl older.
-James Lee Schmidt and Jarod Kintz
James Lee Schmidt
#2. This girl who's slept a hundred years has something after all. It's called Centuryitis, and it has turned me into a man. Oh, what will mamma think when she sees me?!
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#3. I'm gonna go put my earplugs in and practice piano for hours until my fingers bleed. I practice the piano with the focus of Helen Keller - and nothing can distract me from the scent of the music.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#4. I really hate that I need my glasses while using my laptop. What I hate even more is that I need those glasses to be full of vodka at all times.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#5. When I battle wits with Jarod Kintz I always feel like I need to take my brain out to give him a transplant. Bad part is we don't have any.
Will Advise
#6. When Jarod Kintz gets married, I want to wear his grandpa to the ceremony, telling everyone we're Siamese twins from the future-past. Meow.
Will Advise
#7. If I did sales - my technique would be to hand-seal each deal with gourmet omelets, by Jarod Kintz's secret invisible recipe that I stole.
Will Advise
#8. I hate when I'm not done with my cup but my mom decides to put it in the dishwasher anyway and the cup isn't dishwasher safe. I keep telling my mom that my origami coffee mugs are hand wash ONLY. Handshakes are also hand wash only.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#9. When your heart starts to feel full again. I love FREE refills, and if a restaurant tries to double charge me, I refuse to write a love poem on their Yelp page.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#10. Jarod Kintz gets so many retweets, he's like Katniss Everdeen with tourettes in a forest full of Mockingjays.
Ryan Lilly
#11. The question is, If I killed your husband, would you seek revenge, or would you send me a Thank You card? I think I know the answer, so here is my address: Jarod Kintz 12321 Karma Circle, Jax, Fl 32223.
Jarod Kintz
#12. When you're reaching the end of the semester and you just wanna die. Coffin Making 101 is literally killing me.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#13. If Jarod Kintz was a cat, he'd stalk people silently and deadly. Right now, all he does is bark at them for no good reason, like all the good people do.
Will Advise
#14. For a case study in personal branding. Google "Jarod Kintz." He's kind of a big deal.
Ryan Lilly
#15. It's super cloudy right now but I think I can see the northern lights from my room. Another observation: Every light is a strobe light, if you just blink fast enough, and drink enough vodka.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#16. If opportunity knocks, let it in. But with the way things are nowadays-I'd rather meet opportunity somewhere that's more public. I could meet opportunity in a coffee shop, but what if it works there? Well, I could suggest my grandma's basement.
-James Lee Schmidt and Jarod Kintz
James Lee Schmidt
#17. My heart is burning a hole in my chest and every time you speak to me, it keeps sinking, and I'm left with nothing but ashes. I wish she were talking to me, because the more she speaks to me, the more my heart flutters like a rising phoenix.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#18. I want to give myself a ridiculous nickname. Something like "Knuckle Cock," only not so flowery and romantic sounding.
Jarod Kintz
#19. Sometimes I'll read a book and feel it was written just for me. Then I'll flip the book over to look at the cover to see who wrote it, only to discover that it feels like it was written for me because it was written by me.
Jarod Kintz
#20. Issues need to be addressed. So do boxes of bricks that need to be mailed. Make the shipping label out to Kat Nelb, 2332 Blanket Anagram Way, Jacksonville, Fl 3223.
Jarod Kintz
#21. Networking isn't synonymous with partying. If you're doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison.
Jarod Kintz
#22. Do or don't, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford.
Jarod Kintz
#23. People think I'm all gloom and doom all the time. I'm not. I also have bad days where I'm pessimistic.
Jarod Kintz
#24. She gave me her bedroom eyes. I know because we were in the kitchen at the time. I hope we're having pigs in a blanket. Yum!
Jarod Kintz
#25. I ate a slice of humble pie, and it tasted like apples.
Jarod Kintz
#26. A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you're having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who's as dry and exciting as a sack of flour.
Jarod Kintz
#27. He's a buying dude, and I've got to sell him something - like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.)
Jarod Kintz
#28. I should create a TV show called 61 Minutes. It'll be like 60 Minutes - only more.
Jarod Kintz
#29. I was fashionably late in my unfashionable clothes.
Jarod Kintz
#30. I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that's OK, because I like ice water.
Jarod Kintz
#32. A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn't always better. Don't you want to make love better?
Jarod Kintz
#33. To catch affection, try being efficient by using a fishing net. You can't sit back and wait for romance to grow on trees.
Jarod Kintz
#34. I need a bone saw - for the meatloaf I made for you, which looks suspiciously like a brick. The gravy is a blanket.
Jarod Kintz
#35. Anyone want some of my foot long sub? It's huge! It's nearly half as long as my penis.
Jarod Kintz
#36. A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.
Jarod Kintz
#37. I carry my love over, and I carry over the two when we multiply.
Jarod Kintz
#38. I'm not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four.
Jarod Kintz
#39. I keep a large map of the world hanging above my bed. Everybody wants to own land, but I want to own the oceans.
Jarod Kintz
#40. I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace, because peace leads to prosperity, prosperity leads to decadence, and decadence leads to diabetes.
Jarod Kintz
#41. What's with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.
Jarod Kintz
#42. Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn't see eye to eye. We argued about the nature of love, and I hated it, so in the name of love I had to stab him.
Jarod Kintz
#43. A blanket could be used to confuse and disorient. Think of it not as a bed adornment, but as a really big blindfold.
Jarod Kintz
#44. I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women.
Jarod Kintz
#45. I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I'm not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.
Jarod Kintz
#46. I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much.
Jarod Kintz
#47. I added five shots to my coffee, because that's all the bullets my magazine can hold.
Jarod Kintz
#48. Love is communicating. I'm sorry, mime, but I only lust you.
Jarod Kintz
#49. As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail.
Jarod Kintz
#50. Acne is nothing more than nature's Braille.
Jarod Kintz
#51. I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That's one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys.
Jarod Kintz
#52. I care for her about my mom like a Maggie (three Donalds per serving).
Jarod Kintz
#53. My last name should be "Why," because it is my destiny to question everything, including how to change my last name to one of the shortest questions and the question of all questions.
Jarod Kintz
#55. To show you how much I love you, I'd take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio.
Jarod Kintz
#56. Using my thumb and middle finger, I tend to make snap decisions. Right away I know whether I like a song or not.
Jarod Kintz
#57. I just received the message she left earlier today. She left the message yesterday, but she left today. Now I feel like leftovers, but I don't feel like leftovers. I need to cook and eat a fresh meal to not think of myself as yesterday's fresh meal.
Jarod Kintz
#58. We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn't grow up together, however. I was in the crib, and she was playing cribbage in the nursing home.
Jarod Kintz
#59. A glazed banana peel is not for eating, it's for innuendo.
Jarod Kintz
#60. Some people wish they could have invented the wheel. But I'm trying to reinvent the wheelbarrow, to more efficiently haul around my bullshit.
Jarod Kintz
#61. Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).
Jarod Kintz
#62. I'm on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I'm driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour. Oh, if only love were so easy to calculate.
Jarod Kintz
#63. I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you're going to have to buy the clothes on my body.
Jarod Kintz
#64. The US is about to go all Billy the Kid. Inflation is going to keep shooting up.
Jarod Kintz
#66. I wish I had money now. If only I'd saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.
Jarod Kintz
#67. I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.
Jarod Kintz
#68. I'm angry as hell. I'm angry for all the people who should be angry but aren't, either because they're too stupid or too timid.
Jarod Kintz
#69. Is something art just because a museum hangs it on their wall? Are you networking just because you're standing in a crowded room?
Jarod Kintz
#70. My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She's tied up in the trunk this very moment.
Jarod Kintz
#71. Used is to sued, as brick is to Kricb, and that is such a profound observation on my part that I'm afraid I don't fully grasp it at the moment.
Jarod Kintz
#72. The future is right around the corner from a bar called, "Yesterdays." I know, I work there every tomorrow.
Jarod Kintz
#73. He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all over it.
Jarod Kintz
#74. Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me's & bananas individually or by the pocketful.
Jarod Kintz
#75. Why pay for an undesirable outcome with someone else? For the same money, you could have paid me to stay at home and do nothing.
Jarod Kintz
#76. I cling to our love like saran wrap on leftovers. If you want to know when dinner will be ready, the answer is last night. We could make love, or we could simply reheat what we already had.
Jarod Kintz
#77. Sharks are so stupid. They swam right up to the boat, and they couldn't even tell that I was chumming the water with ketchup, rather than blood.
Jarod Kintz
#78. Dr. Chuck "Chuckles" Gigglebrooks, lead researcher at the National Association of Laughter Studies, had this conclusion to draw about why people laugh: "It's fun!" I only hope it didn't take a government grant to achieve this scientific breakthrough.
Jarod Kintz
#79. It's better to say something too little, than nothing too much.
Jarod Kintz
#80. I wear my shirts backwards and inside out. It helps give my genitals more breathing room.
Jarod Kintz
#81. With me and my girl, I'm number one - and she's the index finger. We're the same, but I go where she points.
Jarod Kintz
#82. I told the cops I've been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.
Jarod Kintz
#83. If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn't recall it, I'd probably say, I can't believe you don't remememember my name.
Jarod Kintz
#84. I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn't earn, but did pay for.
Jarod Kintz
#85. An octopus has eight legs. You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn't have a foursome, but I did sleep with six prosthetic legs (I have a bad back).
Jarod Kintz
#86. I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That's why I'm wearing a condom.)
Jarod Kintz
#88. I want to open a wheat/dairy factory. Bread and butter will be my bread and butter.
Jarod Kintz
#89. I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.
Jarod Kintz
#90. I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I'd order take out.
Jarod Kintz
#91. If you asked me if I'd rather make love to you, or have my balls cut out with the spine of a fish, I'll tell you I'll have to get back to you. And after a day of deliberating, I'll probably tell you the fish, provided it's salmon and I can eat it first.
Jarod Kintz
#92. My love is as loud as it can be while still being silent. Would you describe our relationship as Helen Kelleresque
Jarod Kintz
#93. If somebody kills me, at least I won't be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.
Jarod Kintz
#94. I'm great at making love, at least for the first 20 bucks, and for about 30 minutes after that I just sort of lay there, trying to stretch out my investment.
Jarod Kintz
#95. I have just been elected Captain of the Nap Squad. It's a very exhausting position, and requires training twice a day, once when I get up and once before bed.
Jarod Kintz
#96. One Jarod's a lover, and one Jarod's a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one.
Jarod Kintz
#97. The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn't hate, it's ignoringance.
Jarod Kintz
#98. My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office building.
Jarod Kintz
#99. A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that's why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.
Jarod Kintz
#100. I stole the y, and what was yours is now ours.
Jarod Kintz
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