Top 100 Joked Quotes
#1. I gave a friend a bottle of mercury for his eightieth birthday - a special bottle that could neither leak nor break - he gave me a peculiar look, but later sent me a charming letter in which he joked, "I take a little every morning for my health.
Oliver Sacks
#2. He'd better stay the hell away from you or I will whip out the lawnmower on his ass," she declared.
"That move's not for ass use," I joked
Tammara Webber
#3. You almost got hit by a truck because you were checking me out?" I joked and he laughed loudly.
"Yeah. Good thing you saved me. It would have been your fault if I didn't make it," he said through a grin.
Shelly Crane
#4. Jason had joked that dust bunnies under the bed were pets he didn't mind keeping: they never whined for food and didn't require a litter box. They also didn't wake you up at night by barking at passing raccoons.
Erik Bundy
#5. What are you asking God for?" I joked. "A million dollars? Two million?" "I'm not asking Him for anything," he said. "I'm thanking Him for good food and wine, good health and famiglia.
Wally Lamb
#6. Some things are so serious, they can only be joked about.
Niels Bohr
#7. Vidal himself joked that at a certain age lawsuits took the place of sex.
Christopher Bram
#8. There are definitely some hos on this campus," she began. "And plenty more in this city. And the fact that you're so different from those types only makes it that much more likely that you'll fetch a nice figure on eBay for the popping of your cherry," she joked suggestively.
Zack Love
#9. Instead, she'd let it get even more overgrown and cobwebbed. We'd always joked that it would be a good place to bury a body. It couldn't be.
Gillian Flynn
#10. We promised we'd all stay in touch. Even joked about a yearly reunion. These kinds of goodbyes are the scary goodbyes. The goodbyes where you know the chances of seeing each other again are very slim.
Estelle Maskame
#11. Are you afraid the Ender Dragon is coming after you?" Lucy joked. "I'm looking at the moon," Steve said quite seriously. "I think I want to explore the moon. Are you guys in?" "Funny,
Winter Morgan
#12. I love to eat, I love to feed people, and I'm a great cook. I joked with my friends that I wanted to write a book where desserts had to be extensively researched, since I have a terrible sweet tooth. My particular downfall is cake.
Julia Glass
#13. For the first few years we lived in a tiny rented cottage at the bottom of a friend's garden. We often joked that there was plenty of film in the fridge, but not too much food!
Nigel Dennis
#14. I've joked that I would have either become schizophrenic or an actress, but as an actress you can do both.
Carla Gugino
#15. In 1961 somebody could've hit a home run to win the game and the next day the headline was about the M&M boys not hitting a home run. But everyone was real good about it. Instead of getting mad they joked about it.
Mickey Mantle
#16. Can you ever get off for good behavior?" he joked.
I gave him what I hoped was a seductive smile as I found my seat. "Sure," I called over my shoulder. "If I was ever good.
Richelle Mead
#18. So basically you're just a fucking train wreck?" she joked.
"I prefer conflicted," I corrected.
Chasta Schneider
#19. People joked that Forster became more renowned with every book he did not write.
Paul Gray
#20. You really know how to pick 'em, don't you?" Toby joked. "I think I'm cursed.
Robyn Schneider
#21. I often noticed that the surrounding mountains inspired Hitler. He once joked that here he stood 'above the world' in an environment comparable to Olympius, legendary mount of the gods, but that alone can never have been the motivation for himto put down his private roots on Obersalzberg.
Heinz Linge
#22. I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like.
Will Rogers
#23. I joked with the anesthesiologist for a while, and then a nurse handed me a baby.
Matthew Amster-Burton
#24. I don't think my social media obsession is dangerous. I joked.
Cambria Hebert
#25. Julius brooded. He could see Julius despising the medical school of Pavia. Tobie said, Nicholas managed the journey from Flanders all right. Deferred to you, joked discreetly with me, got on like a dyeworks on fire with the muleteers.
Dorothy Dunnett
#26. I have joked before that there is a good chance that I might retire before Tendulkar.
Mahendra Singh Dhoni
#27. What's for dinner?"
"Roast beef. I heard it was a woman's body buried on Hamilton Ranch and that her body had been mummified."
"Roast beef and mummified should never be used in the same sentence," he joked as he headed toward the refrigerator for a beer.
B. J. Daniels
#28. In lighthearted countries, people joked about this phenomenon, but such serious, practical countries as England, America, and Germany were deeply concerned.
Jules Verne
#29. When I asked the archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, "Is God in cyberspace?" he joked at first that God must be in cyberspace because every time he is in the London subway, "I hear people saying into their cell phones, 'Oh God, why doesn't this work!'" Here
Thomas L. Friedman
#30. This weekend President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club Dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama.
Jimmy Fallon
#31. I joked recently that I thought 30 seconds a day for three years would be the best way to enjoy it, and I'm going to stand by that statement.
Mitchell Hurwitz
#32. His eyes danced like a teenager. "Eat anyone alive today?" her father joked.
Ruby returned his wicked grin and sauntered into the living room. "Not today, but tomorrow's another day.
Stephanie Greenhalgh
#33. I always joked with my parents. I told them, 'If I don't make it as an actor, my fallback is musician.'
Oscar Isaac
#34. Well, I'm glad that you and I are now so comfortable in our relationship that you can advise me on how to seduce my professor, I joked.
Zack Love
#35. Handsome couple. "In other words, we clean up well," Kent joked. "Indeed, you do," I said, and was pleased to know my voice had found itself again.
Debbie Macomber
#36. I don't care if you wear a muu muu or a tutu, you'll still be beautiful."
"That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me," I joked with him. "And you get extra points for making it rhyme.
Kristen Day
#37. I didn't want to think about the fact that she could smell me, or that she just joked about eating me. At least I hoped she meant it as a joke.
Lish McBride
#38. Sounds like this ability stuff went okay with Shane after all. I had no idea that he would react like that," Noah said.
"Yeah, well, it helps when he wants to rip Nessa's clothes off," I said grinning.
"Hey, I might just let him. He is pretty hot," Nessa joked.
-Noah, Cora and Nessa
Andrea Heltsley
#39. He might have wished us good luck," Graystripe complained. "He probably thinks we don't need it," joked Fireheart as they crossed the clearing toward Yellowfang's den.
Erin Hunter
#40. When he picked out the [gravesite] plot, my father had joked that he was moving, at last, to the suburbs.
Marco Roth
#41. The rumors of Frank Sinatra's violence and his ties to organized crime were such that journalists joked in print about me ending up in concrete boots and sleeping with the fishes if I proceeded to write his biography.
Kitty Kelley
#42. Now. How do I keep you?" He turned his head on the pillow, so their eyes met.
Rachel couldn't help the silly grin that came to her lips.
"Keep me?" Laughing, she scooted in close, and flippantly, she joked, "Well, you could always marry me.
Ella Frank
#43. Whatever you thought of his politics, Ronald Reagan was a great man, a courageous man. He took an assassin's bullet and joked to the doctors as they desperately worked to save his life.
Christopher Buckley
#44. Cover your cocks," the men sailors sometimes joked. "They're always hunting sodomites."
"What do they do to sodomites?" Baru asked.
They looked at her with some astonishment. "Hot iron," one said. "Hssssssssss.
Seth Dickinson
#45. Geddy once joked, 'You're the only guy I know who rehearses to rehearse!
Neil Peart
#46. His younger brothers, Allen and Anthony, hadn't come downstairs yet. Aaron, Allen, and Anthony - their straight As, as his parents had joked before their first A became an F.
J.P. Barnaby
#47. Open sesame,' I joked. Silence. Apparently, the Reapers weren't in a joking mood.
Jennifer Estep
#48. I love that word. Gaydar. So clever."
"I'm afraid mine is broken," Burke said. "It never occurred to me that you were gay."
"It's because I'm teeming with masculinity," Gaither joked.
Michael Thomas Ford
#49. I hadn't realized she could shrink ... It makes sense now with the tricks Ari was able to perform with her."
"She wasn't born that way. Her mother was a scientist working to reduce subatomic particles."
"And whose mom isn't?" Raven joked. "Was Rick Moranis involved somehow?
J.T. Bock
#50. Her mother often joked that Marjorie must have been birthed from a cocoa nut, split open and wide.
Yaa Gyasi
#51. Gerthe also talked about travel. She talked about living in Jamaica. She joked about her husband and her haircut, because she is more than the earthquake. A person's tragedy does not make up their entire life. A story carves deep grooves into our brains each time we tell it. But we aren't one story.
Amy Poehler
#52. She threatened him with dire consequences if he got all puffed up and studly about this. It was easy for him to take it in stride - exactly how many eight-pound babies had he pushed out? And if he joked about this even once, she was going to make him pay. Perhaps for life. Jack
Robyn Carr
#53. Nobody just said, 'Here, be a star!' I've joked many times that I was a seven-year overnight success.
Cheryl Ladd
#55. I once joked in a book that there are three things you can't do in life. You can't beat the phone company, you can't make a waiter see you until he is ready to see you, and you can't go home again. Since the spring of 1995, I have been quietly, even gamely, reassessing point number three.
Bill Bryson
#56. When are you going to grow up and stop sleeping around?"
I sat back in my chair, rubbing a hand over face, trying to wake up a little more. "When my dick shrivels up and falls off," I joked.
Kirsty Moseley
#57. You aren't a vampire." Silver's voice mirrored his shock. She repeated the phrase with a huge smile on her face. "You aren't a vampire!"
"They don't call me Jackpot for nothing," he joked.
Kasi Blake
#58. Leo had once joked about writing an allegorical sketch where Parody packed its bags, shut up shop and put a sign on the door which read: "Closed. Any inquiries please contact the Real".
Patrick McGuinness
#59. Let's get the heck out of here then. These dark empty places give me the creeps. I feel like zombies are going to spring out at any time," I said, picking up my dropped items.
"If there are zombies then we have much bigger problems," he joked.
-Cora and Noah
Andrea Heltsley
#60. Someone once joked, Hell is other people. But the truth is that connection to other people can be sacred. Why else did God give so many people life? (Adam was't enough.) Or more simply, why else would He design hands that so perfectly clasp?
Lorna Jane Cook
#61. I've always joked about Joe Montana not appreciating his Super Bowls nearly as much as I do because he never lost one. We lost three before we got one.
John Elway
#62. Gingerly, Daniel reached toward the infant. "What if she doesn't like me?"
"She'll spit acid in your eye and you'll die a horrible death," Kara joked.
Jacqueline Diamond
#63. We ... joked a little about presidential portraits. He [Bill Clinton] told me that he and Harrison Ford had been joking recently about how chins drop with age, and he didn't want to look that way.
Nelson Shanks
#64. Hey, Kelsey." He squinted at her. "I knew the water in Charlotte was a problem, but I didn't know it made hair turn purple," he joked.
Kelsey smiled at him, a mischievous glint in her eye. "Well, it looks like the water here makes your hair fall out, so I guess I'll stick with Charlotte's.
Cindi Madsen
#65. We joked that unrequited, or in this case unconsummated, love affairs are the only ones that last forever.
Barbara Demick
#66. In rural and struggling Lexington, Virginia, Lee's new postwar home, one writer joked darkly dollars were so scarce that they had to be introduced to one another when they met on Main Street.
Charles Bracelen Flood
#67. To ward off a feeling of failure, she joked that she could wallpaper her bathroom with rejection slips, which she chose not to see as messages to stop, but rather as tickets to the game.
Anita Shreve
#68. I swear to God, if you do not put Mom on the line I'm going to choke you in your sleep." "With your bare hands or your pretentious infinity scarf?" Rell joked.
Raine O'Tierney
#69. Developmental readings are actually the best part of being an actor for me. I once spent a month doing so many developmental readings at the Roundabout that we all joked that I was an 'artist in residence' there. But to me, it's such a special time to be involved with a new play.
Sarah Steele
#70. My wife has joked that if anything ever happened to me, she'd gladly live out her life without anyone else around. I think it bugs her I'm home all the time; such is the life cycle of the cartoonist, however.
Chris Ware
#71. I come from a family of bankers and lawyers, and they joked that they can't believe I'm the one that gets to go to the White House.
Thom Browne
#72. We each joked to close friends that the secret to saving a relationship is for one person to become terminally ill. Conversely, we knew that one trick to managing a terminal illness is to be deeply in love - to be vulnerable, kind, generous, grateful.
Paul Kalanithi
#73. If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire's rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century."
"You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.
Tara Sivec
#74. These new helmets can read your thoughts, too," Ray joked. "But you have to think in Russian.
Ernest Cline
#75. Practically raised by wolves, we had joked. The monster and the metaphor, and the way they match up that makes the double-edged word of wit. And then you realize what your words have done, and you weep because you're both bleeding.
Kat Howard
#76. That morning all of us girls had put our hair in high vintage-like ponytails, and Aunt Julie joked that we could almost be triplets. I laughed but knew that since my hair was so straight no one would ever confuse Rose and I.
Kate Willis
#77. Whoever used to hang out here, they must have been pretty tiny," I joked.
Dex turned his flashlight on me. "Um, Iz, pretty sure they weren't standing up," he said, and I blushed.
Rachel Hawkins
#78. Even funnier, the guy at the front desk thinks I am either a hooker or having an affair with a married man. He was more than discrete."
"I would have guessed affair," I joked.
Andrea Heltsley
#79. Don't run from the police, my uncle had always joked when we'd watched Cops years ago. You'll only go to jail tired.
Anonymous
#80. A Swedish ambassador to the United States joked that nobody in America believes him when he says his country isn't socialist anymore. Liberals still refer to it as a role model, conservatives as a cautionary tale, but it is neither
Tim Kane
#81. I've become more introverted as I've got older. I used to be an outgoing person who joked around a lot, but as the amount of energy I expend by sharing my music has increased, I like to balance it by spending time by myself and recuperating.
Aloe Blacc
#82. To kick things off, [television show host Andy Cohen] asked the last time Winfrey had smoked marijuana. 'Uh ... 1982,' Winfrey replied. 'Let's hang out after the show,' Cohen joked. 'Okay,' Winfrey laughed. 'I hear it's gotten better.'
Oprah Winfrey
#83. Asked about the fact that Apple's iTunes software for Windows computers was extremely popular, Jobs joked, 'It's like giving a glass of ice water to somebody in hell.
Walter Isaacson
#84. It's better to read first rate science fiction than second rate science
it's a lot more fun, and no more likely to be wrong, joked Lord Rees, Astronomer Royal and the former president of the Royal Society, at Wired 2013.
Martin J. Rees
#86. You sure you're not just trying to get into my pants? I joked, but I was already trying to figure out what one wears to a detox session in her boyfriend's dungeon-like bedroom.
Cherie Colyer
#87. It's so beautiful. It has our initials," she said, running her fingertip over the engraving.
"You know me," I half joked. "Any way I can get my name on you."
She looked up. I felt her hazel eyes on my face. "I love you."
- Rimmel & Romeo
Cambria Hebert
#88. She joked about her fears, but it was the kind of joke where you knew people thought it was ridiculous, and you pretended you thought so too, but underneath you were completely serious.
Janet Fitch
#89. And we'll flash country club boys on the side, Spencer joked.
Sara Shepard
#90. You hate birthdays yet pee your pants over presents. There is clearly something wrong with you, Garrett joked.
Tara Sivec
#91. It was paper, as he had once joked to Amos, that he was really queer for.
James Purdy
#92. I joked about every prominent man in my lifetime, but I never met one I didn't like.
Will Rogers
#93. She smiled. He'd joked once that he feared her gown might be contagious, but it was her smile that was catching. It caught him now. He felt hooked by it, no desire to do anything except smile back at her.
Courtney Milan
#94. Bree smiled at me. "Don't worry about me. I think I can handle him. In fact, I want to handle him," she joked. "All over.
Cate Tiernan
#95. Women joked amongst themselves: 'Why do you think a bride cries on her wedding day? It's for the love that this marriage is putting an end to for all eternity. Men may think a woman has no past- "you were born and then I married you"- but men are fools.
Nadeem Aslam
#96. There, Clover found the "gardens and great trees and old cottages ... so beautiful" that seeing them exhausted her. It was as if, she joked with her husband, "this English world is a huge stage-play got up only to amuse Americans. It is obviously unreal, eccentric, and taken out of novels.
Natalie Dykstra
#97. My brother acquired his first gun when he was very young, from a recently-fled drug dealer's residence. Now, he lived in a rural orange-grove area, and he shot at coyotes who killed his animals and at drug runners who used the groves for transport. Sometimes he joked that he only shot what moved.
Susan Straight
#98. Fallon recognized what Logan was doing. Instead of drowning in wine as Fallon had done, Logan teased and joked his way through the day.
Donna Grant
#99. He joked while Dali cut him, mangling the words with his monstrous jaws, snarled with a pretended rage and dramatically promised to kirrrl youraaalll for this!
Ilona Andrews
#100. I know when I'm not wanted," joked Uncle Vlad. "Guess I'll make like under-eye cream and get the bags.
Lisi Harrison
