Humor Offense Quotes

#1. New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen. When women see you, they're not thinking, "I bet that guy is interesting," they're thinking, "That bird better not shit on my dress.

Bill Maher

#2. She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. "Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you're not a vampire, you're clearly the most anemic goth I've ever seen." ... "We believed you. Because that's what friends do."
pg267 October to Vlad

Heather Brewer

#3. Are you calling me stupid?"says Emby.
"I think I just did."
Hayden laughs. "Hey, the Mouth Breather's right-unwinding does help people. If it wasn't for unwinding, there would be bald guys again-and wouldn't that be horrible?

Neal Shusterman

#4. But earlier this week on a wooded path,
I thought the swans afloat on the reservoir
were the true geniuses,
the ones who had figured out how to fly,
how to be both beautiful and brutal,
and how to mate for life.

Billy Collins

#5. Golden rule: Made of hard metal so it could stand severe wear, it not being known at that time that butter would answer.

Mark Twain

#6. The earl shook his head, exhibiting a degree of frosty offense that could only be achieved by an aristocrat whose wishes had just been gainsaid. "I've never heard of a man being so eager to confess to the parent of a girl he's just ruined," he said sourly.

Lisa Kleypas

#7. Humor is a great defense, and an offense too. Usually the recipient isn't too happy about it, but the people around are laughing.

Robin Williams

#8. You mean a bad heel?" I said. "Couldn't I just, like, wear something besides sandals? No offense."
-Percy

Rick Riordan

#9. Bradley shook his head in amusement, For twins, you and your brother are nothing alike. I used to wonder what it would be like to have a twin, but now ... No offense, but I'm rather glad I came by myself.

Nicole Sager

#10. I know I'm asking a lot. You'd need to start talking, stop growling, and bathe. No offense meant, but you look like a crazy man the way you are.

Melissa Haag

#11. He laughed, a low, sexy growl, as she moaned in obvious frustration. "Patience is a virtue," he said.
"Torture is a federal offense," she replied.

Carla Cassidy

#12. Lack of education," old Mrs. Sharpe said thoughtfully, "is an extraordinary handicap when one is being offensive. They had no resources at all.

Josephine Tey

#13. Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense.

Georg C. Lichtenberg

#14. Gather up In the arms of your love - Those who expect No love from above.

Langston Hughes

#15. I hope you still have it," she says. "Have what, babe?" "My heart. Because it's the only one I got and I don't want to lose it.

J.A. Huss

#16. No offense, Jaron, but I don't want your life. Even locked away behind closed doors I got a taste for how awful it can be."
"Did anyone try to kill you while I was gone?"
"No."
"Then you didn't even get a taste.

Jennifer A. Nielsen

#17. I've been stabbed before. Barely a week ago, in fact. AND I've been audited, AND I come from a broken home. In short - no offense, shorty - you don't scare me.

MaryJanice Davidson

#18. The best defense is a confusing offense.

Kimberly Pauley

#19. I need a victim and no offense Yuki, but your carrot sticks are lacking in controversy.

E.J. Stevens

#20. I loved being on the field playing and teaching softball. I didn't like the fact that a camp had my name on it and I didn't know the logistics of what was going on. I wanted to make sure I was involved in a camp that did things right.

Jennie Finch

#21. I have a pretty active presence on social networking sites, and every day there are messages from so many young girls telling me that they are happy B-Town has curvy women like me. I feel you should be happy the way you are. Of course, fitness is important, but not to the extent of obsession!

Sonakshi Sinha

#22. Most movies shot in Italian don't even bother to record the sound. In fact, sometimes when Fellini works, he doesn't even know what the dialogue is going to be, and he simply has his characters count from 1 to 10, knowing he will loop in their dialogue later.

Sean Connery

#23. Aye, Skipper!" Journeyman said.

Jim Butcher

#24. The second time, I had a freakin' vampire at my back." I froze. Oh shit. "No offense, Mr. Moreau," I quickly added.

"None taken, Agent Fraser. During the course of my lengthy life, I have been called many things, but 'freakin' has never been one of them. I'll consider it a novelty.

Lisa Shearin

#25. Speech is the small change of silence.

George Meredith

#26. When you feel bored, pump your adrenaline!

Toba Beta

#27. Applied war is where the money's at. I don't mean that figuratively. Defense is 140% of the UVE budget. Offense is twice that. This is possible because there is no budget for math education.

Zach Weinersmith

#28. Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen.

David Weber

#29. Anything designed to be inoffensive isn't worth your time
life itself is pretty offensive, ending as it does with death.

Holly Lisle

#30. It may not seem like much, but grand theft auto is still a pretty serious offense.

Elle Todd