Top 100 Groucho's Quotes
#1. He [Groucho's father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you'd realize what an accurate statement that is. You see, Pop never used a tape measure. He didn't believe in it. He said he could just look at a man and tell hi.
Groucho Marx
#2. Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
Groucho Marx
#3. Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"
Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."
Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.
Groucho Marx
#4. I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed.
Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.
Groucho Marx
#5. It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa
Groucho Marx
#6. I know I'm not funny. I mean, let's face it, I'm no Groucho Marx. But if you're a guy, and you're watching late night television, are you gonna start jacking off to Groucho? I don't think so!
Sarah Silverman
#7. Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement
Groucho Marx
#8. There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.
Groucho Marx
#9. Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?
Groucho Marx
#10. I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)
Groucho Marx
#11. She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
Groucho Marx
#14. I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.
Groucho Marx
#15. Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.
Groucho Marx
#16. How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
Groucho Marx
#17. Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.
Groucho Marx
#18. I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and changed the bulb. When I got off the bed he said: 'That's the best acting you've ever done.'
Elliott Gould
#19. My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs
Groucho Marx
#20. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
#21. Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Groucho Marx
#22. I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.
Groucho Marx
#23. I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Groucho Marx
#24. I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx
#25. I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down
Groucho Marx
#26. Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
Groucho Marx
#27. Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet!
Groucho Marx
#28. The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old
Groucho Marx
#29. There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit ... retire!
Groucho Marx
#30. If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time.
Groucho Marx
#31. Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Groucho Marx
#32. Finally, Groucho stopped working on his roast beef, put down his fork, leaned over to her and said, "Look, will you stop calling him 'Gumbo'? Gumbo's a type of soup. My brother's name is 'Gummo!'" In
Steve Stoliar
#33. Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.
Groucho Marx
#34. There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx
#35. Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and
that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of
it myself.
Groucho Marx
#36. She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
Groucho Marx
#37. Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Groucho Marx
#38. There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.
Groucho Marx
#39. Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.
Groucho Marx
#40. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
#42. He [Harpo] loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have.
Groucho Marx
#43. [Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Groucho Marx
#44. I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me."
"What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.
Groucho Marx
#45. Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
Groucho Marx
#46. A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx
#47. I came from a generation where women were almost deified, and like Groucho Marx's line, "I wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member", I thought, "I wouldn't want to sleep with a woman who would sleep with me!" It took me a long time to work my way through that.
John Waters
#48. The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven't got a camel, but I think it's a great idea.
Groucho Marx
#49. One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
Groucho Marx
#50. I shall drink no # wine before it's time! OK, it's time.
Groucho Marx
#51. The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.
Groucho Marx
#52. No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Groucho Marx
#53. Groucho Marx, in his later days, gave me the best review I've ever had and probably will ever have. I changed a light bulb over his bed, and when I came off of his bed with the used one after putting the new one in, Groucho said, 'That's the best acting I've ever seen you do.'
Elliott Gould
#54. This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.
Groucho Marx
#55. If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
Groucho Marx
#56. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
#57. Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills
Groucho Marx
#58. Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication
Groucho Marx
#59. It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Groucho Marx
#60. I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.
Groucho Marx
#61. I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Groucho Marx
#62. I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book ... I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
Groucho Marx
#63. That's bad luck: three on a midget. From At The Circus
Groucho Marx
#64. No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx
#65. I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing
Groucho Marx
#66. Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.
Groucho Marx
#67. I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.
Joe Rogan
#68. I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
Groucho Marx
#69. Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
Groucho Marx
#70. Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"
Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
Groucho Marx
#71. If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.
Groucho Marx
#73. I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Groucho Marx
#74. He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.
Groucho Marx
#75. What have future generations ever done for us?
Groucho Marx
#76. Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have? Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army? Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.
Groucho Marx
#78. Africa is God's country, and He can have it.
Groucho Marx
#79. I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.
Groucho Marx
#81. Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.
Groucho Marx
#82. Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.
Groucho Marx
#85. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
Groucho Marx
#86. Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
Groucho Marx
#87. I'll never forget my wedding day ... they threw vitamin pills
Groucho Marx
#88. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx
#89. With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
Groucho Marx
#90. I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx
#91. With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now
Groucho Marx
#93. Only if the computers really love each other.
Groucho Marx
#94. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
#95. Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)
Groucho Marx
#96. All people are born alike ... except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx
#97. Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.
Groucho Marx
#98. You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces
Groucho Marx
#99. Groucho Marx shot back angrily, "The Sandy McPhersons and Yonny Yohnsons were not a minority being subjected to oppression, restriction, segregation or persecution.
Kliph Nesteroff
#100. I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me
Groucho Marx
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