Groucho Quotes

#1. Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"
Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

Groucho Marx

#2. I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.

Joe Rogan

#3. No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Groucho Marx

#4. Groucho Marx, in his later days, gave me the best review I've ever had and probably will ever have. I changed a light bulb over his bed, and when I came off of his bed with the used one after putting the new one in, Groucho said, 'That's the best acting I've ever seen you do.'

Elliott Gould

#5. Groucho Marx shot back angrily, "The Sandy McPhersons and Yonny Yohnsons were not a minority being subjected to oppression, restriction, segregation or persecution.

Kliph Nesteroff

#6. Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

Groucho Marx

#7. I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.

Michael Feldman

#8. I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and changed the bulb. When I got off the bed he said: 'That's the best acting you've ever done.'

Elliott Gould

#9. Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspective.

John Lithgow

#10. When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

Groucho Marx

#11. I always preferred Harpo to Groucho Marx.

Lee Evans

#12. Sea Shepherd is to terrorism what Groucho was to Marxism.

Paul Watson

#13. He [Groucho's father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you'd realize what an accurate statement that is. You see, Pop never used a tape measure. He didn't believe in it. He said he could just look at a man and tell hi.

Groucho Marx

#14. I know I'm not funny. I mean, let's face it, I'm no Groucho Marx. But if you're a guy, and you're watching late night television, are you gonna start jacking off to Groucho? I don't think so!

Sarah Silverman

#15. To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

Groucho Marx

#16. As I grow older, I become more and more of a Marxist - Groucho, that is. When you have lived two-thirds of your life, you know the value of a good joke.

Karen DeCrow

#17. Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"
Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."
Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

Groucho Marx

#18. I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields.

Woody Allen

#19. The thing that made Groucho special was the way he used his body parts. He also had a wicked tongue. People didn't realize it, but when Groucho said something, he meant it.

Sidney Sheldon

#20. I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home.
Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup:

Groucho Marx

#21. Groucho Marx This is not a book that should be set aside lightly - it should be flung with great force.

Groucho Marx

#22. I came from a generation where women were almost deified, and like Groucho Marx's line, "I wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member", I thought, "I wouldn't want to sleep with a woman who would sleep with me!" It took me a long time to work my way through that.

John Waters

#23. [Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Groucho Marx

#24. The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.

Irving Berlin

#25. And ingenuous outsiders, like Groucho Marx.83

Niall Ferguson

#26. Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

Groucho Marx

#27. Finally, Groucho stopped working on his roast beef, put down his fork, leaned over to her and said, "Look, will you stop calling him 'Gumbo'? Gumbo's a type of soup. My brother's name is 'Gummo!'" In

Steve Stoliar

#28. The real achievement of Woody Allen was that he was making movies that felt very personal, and for a whole group of people, it spoke to them. Then he became an archetype, like Groucho Marx or Chaplin.

Noah Baumbach

#29. Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other three were Groucho Marx, Jim Morrison, and Pablo Picasso.

Alice Cooper

#30. Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have? Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army? Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.

Groucho Marx

#31. What have future generations ever done for us?

Groucho Marx

#32. He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

Groucho Marx

#33. I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Groucho Marx

#34. Boogey boogey boogey

Groucho Marx

#35. If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.

Groucho Marx

#36. Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Groucho Marx

#37. I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

Groucho Marx

#38. Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

Groucho Marx

#39. No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Groucho Marx

#40. That's bad luck: three on a midget. From At The Circus

Groucho Marx

#41. I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book ... I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Groucho Marx

#42. I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Groucho Marx

#43. I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

Groucho Marx

#44. It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Groucho Marx

#45. Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Groucho Marx

#46. Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills

Groucho Marx

#47. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

#48. If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Groucho Marx

#49. This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

Groucho Marx

#50. I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

Groucho Marx

#51. I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

Groucho Marx

#52. You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces

Groucho Marx

#53. All people are born alike ... except Republicans and Democrats.

Groucho Marx

#54. Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Groucho Marx

#55. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

#56. Only if the computers really love each other.

Groucho Marx

#57. Hello, I must be going.

Groucho Marx

#58. With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

Groucho Marx

#59. I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx

#60. Humor is reason gone mad.

Groucho Marx

#61. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Groucho Marx

#62. I'll never forget my wedding day ... they threw vitamin pills

Groucho Marx

#63. Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Groucho Marx

#64. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Groucho Marx

#65. I hope they bury me near a strait man

Groucho Marx

#66. Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.

Groucho Marx

#67. Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

Groucho Marx

#68. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Groucho Marx

#69. I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

Groucho Marx

#70. Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

Groucho Marx

#71. With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Groucho Marx

#72. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

#73. Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Groucho Marx

#74. I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

Groucho Marx

#75. I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Groucho Marx

#76. Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

Groucho Marx

#77. He thinks I look alike!

Groucho Marx

#78. This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

Groucho Marx

#79. If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

Groucho Marx

#80. Always examine the dice.

Groucho Marx

#81. Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

Groucho Marx

#82. I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Groucho Marx

#83. In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

Groucho Marx

#84. Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.

Groucho Marx

#85. I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

Groucho Marx

#86. Budget: a way of going broke methodically

Groucho Marx

#87. Room service? Send up a larger room.
[A Night at the Opera]

Groucho Marx

#88. If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

Groucho Marx

#89. I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Groucho Marx

#90. You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

Groucho Marx

#91. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Groucho Marx

#92. TV is the rat race of the century.

Groucho Marx

#93. Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Groucho Marx

#94. Those are my principles, and if you don't like them ... well I have others.

Groucho Marx

#95. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx

#96. In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Groucho Marx

#97. Women should be obscene, not heard.

Groucho Marx

#98. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Groucho Marx

#99. You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar

Groucho Marx

#100. My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Groucho Marx