Cooking Humor Sayings

#1. You also yell at the pigeons outside, watch too many cooking shows, and have a blog entirely dedicated to pictures of yourself.

Marie Jacquelyn

#2. There ain't a body, be it mouse or man, that ain't made better by a little soup.

Kate DiCamillo

#3. Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

Dylan Moran

#4. Technology is too crazy for me, but I would be very happy when they make phone that can cook.

Patricia Dunn

#5. I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the greatest artistic minds of the world?

E.A. Bucchianeri

#6. Trace is cooking Nonna's lasagna."
"Wow. I must see this."
"He was wearing her little apron and everything."
"Got a camera?

Joss Stirling

#7. Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

Josh Stern

#8. Without the Project I was nothing but a secretary on a road to nowhere, drifting toward frosted hair and menthol addiction.

Julie Powell

#9. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W.C. Fields

#10. No, I don't want you to leave. I'm just grabbing your coat and nudging your toward the door for fun #AHOLE

A.O. Storm

#11. You know when you mix butt and Angel in the same sentence, it becomes an insult," I say and take a big gulp from the can. With his back to me, he says, "Trust me, I would never dream of insulting your butt. I'm sure it's better than anything I'm cooking out here.

Rucy Ban

#12. Zip it kiddo. Don't ever admit you know a thing about cooking or it'll be used against you later in life.

Rebecca Wells

#13. The relationship between professional and domestic cook has similarities to a sexual encounter. One party is normally more experienced than the other; and either party should have the right, at any moment, to say, No, I'm not going to do that.

Julian Barnes

#14. When I got home I peered down at the lobster to see how he was doing. The inner plastic bag was sucked tight around him and clouded up. It looked like something out of an eighties made-for-TV movie, with some washed-up actress taking too many pills and trying to off herself with a Macy's bag.

Julie Powell

#15. Gran follows recipes by looking at picture - to the eye, delicious; to the tongue, boiled socks. Makes you wanna cry really.

Simon Cheshire

#16. Nick jabbed him in the arm with his fork. "What's up with you? Usually you don't shut up about my crap cooking."
"Maybe I don't want to hurt your feelings."
Chris snorted, finally looking up from the plate. "That'll be the day.

Brigid Kemmerer

#17. An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.

H.L. Mencken

#18. "And I stole some oxen jerky out of Bercelak's bag. He makes the best oxen jerky."
"Bercelak the Vengeful cooks?"
"Aye. And he's surprisingly good at it, too!

G.A. Aiken

#19. Anyone who thinks they're too grown up or too sophisticated to eat caramel corn, is not invited to my house for dinner

Ruth Reichl

#20. Baking was a science, precise, just mix it all together and let the oven do the work. But actually cooking, she couldn't cook a tasty meal if her life depended on it.

Allie Burke

#21. Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

Bill Watterson

#22. Celery as celery was bad. Celery fried was the work of Satan.

Kristen Ashley

#23. Southern hospitality and Amish cooking - Ya'll Come Back, Danki.

Karen Harper

#24. A lighthearted prayer for Thanksgiving:

May you have turkey in season
Cranberries for squeezin'
Gravy (within reason)
And leftovers worth freezin'!
Amen

by Merrill Miller of Scottdale, PA

Mary Beth Lind

#25. Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed. Eh bien, tant pis. Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile, and learn from her mistakes.

Julia Child

#26. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

Calvin Trillin

#27. Blodgett and Hobart are named for and oven and a mixer?" Justin asked. "Huh. And all this time I thought they were named for some unfortunate relatives.

Jenn McKinlay

#28. I decided I would teach Mrs. P. a lesson by cooking my own meal.

Paul Murray

#29. I was lucky to live in the 20th century, when gefilte fish could be purchased in a jar.

Barbara "Cutie" Cooper

#30. Anoint the saucepan with a touch of sunflower seed oil. Grease its scars, and as soon as the oils heats up, sprinkle with flour, pour on the bouillon and the moonshine strong as the hearts of the village man who knows not how to love with his words, only with his actions, and ass the chopped apple.

Vladimir Lorchenkov

#31. Don't be disgusting.
Don't dare me. I majored in disgusting at Gulag Community College. Lucrezia Borgia taught cooking, and Madame Defarge taught knitting. Emperor Nero taught violin and also led the cheerleading squad. I skipped all my classes and failed with distinction.

Gregory Maguire

#32. That's the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears.

Anthony Lane

#33. I am tempted to incapacitate him with the hemlock and then castrate him."
Lena paled. "I don't think that would be very wise," she said. "And the only knife we own is what I use for the cooking. You're not using that."
"I was planning on using a spoon," Honoria replied.

Bec McMaster

#34. I'm not very domestic. For years my family thought mold was a frosting.

Martha Bolton

#35. How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it.

Laurie Notaro

#36. It's the only thing sexier than a sexy woman. A sexy woman cooking fuckin' sausages.

Roddy Doyle

#37. She said she doesn't like your cooking. She said she'd rather eat a microwave dinner from the convenience store instead of something you cooked. Do you get it? Hm? Why are you being such a crybaby? Save the salt from your tears for seasoning.

Kanoko Sakurakouji

#38. Are you telling me you're cooking me dinner?- Regan Its the quickest way, without physical contact, to get a woman into bed. The kitchen through there?

Nora Roberts

#39. Oh, I adore to cook. It makes me feel so mindless in a worthwhile way.

Truman Capote

#40. It can be exhausting eating a meal cooked by a man. With a woman, it's, Ho hum, pass the beans. A guy, you have to act like he just built the Taj Mahal.

Deb Caletti

#41. For a moment, or a second, the pinched expressions of the cynical, world-weary, throat-cutting, miserable bastards we've all had to become disappears, when we're confronted with something as simple as a plate of food.

Anthony Bourdain

#42. You're cooking", said Elizabeth, and each word came out of her mouth as if it was ashamed of being in the room with the others, "bunny soup.

Liam Perrin

#43. I bet you cook good, huh?" Darlene asked.
"Mother doesn't cook," Ignatius said dogmatically.
"She burns.

John Kennedy Toole

#44. When I was still quite young I had a complete presentiment of life. It was like the nauseating smell of cooking escaping from a ventilator: you don't have to have eaten it to know that it would make you throw up.

Julian Barnes

#45. I thought we were going to take a 20-mule team out to the Grand Canyon and get a Bunsen burner and a bow and arrow, and whatever you can catch you cook. And it's gotta be gourmet and it better look good.

The Creators Of Top Chef