Top 100 Colbert Quotes
#1. Both 'The Daily Show' and 'The Colbert Report,' you're working with the best. When you work with the best, you have to raise your game. If you're working with people who are sub par, you're not forced to give 100 percent because you can get by on 80 percent.
Nate Corddry
#2. I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert.
Stephen Colbert
#3. Thank God for Occupy and thank God for 'The Daily Show,' Colbert and the rising up that's going on around the world.
Bonnie Raitt
#4. Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
#5. I still can't believe that I went on 'The Colbert Report' myself; for the appearance I wore a lot of makeup, my hair was curled like a poodle's, and I could barely breathe in my Spanx undergarments. But, hey - an authoress has to lean in, right?
Edan Lepucki
#6. There's always been some concern that adult subject matter should be quarantined from a page that attracts children. Unlike late at night, when 'South Park' and 'Colbert' are on, impressionable minds are wide awake when the newspaper arrives.
Garry Trudeau
#7. Good satire goes beyond the specific point it's trying to make and teaches you how to think critically. Even after your favorite cartoonist retires or [Stephen] Colbert wraps it up, you're not left believing everything they're telling you.
Aaron McGruder
#8. With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison.
Stephen Colbert
#9. I am honoured to join education innovators like Ms. Vicky Colbert, Dr. Madhav Chavan, and Sir Fazle Hasan Abed as the fourth WISE Prize for Education Laureate. I accept this prize on behalf of the million girls Camfed is committed to supporting through secondary education.
Ann Cotton
#10. Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, Stephen Colbert. Those are the guys I look at who are telling me pretty much the truth. And they throw humor into it which makes it much more interesting to listen to.
Grace Slick
#11. My mother used to paper pictures from movie magazines on the wall of her bedroom. When I was born, she looked at those pictures to decide on a name for me. Claudette Colbert's picture was up there and so was Loretta Young's. She decided Loretta was the prettiest name, so I was named after her.
Loretta Lynn
#12. Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.
Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable ... in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.
Stephen Colbert
#13. I recognize that I'm probably the luckiest novelist in recent memory, because Sherman Alexie, a writer I greatly admire, raved about my book on 'The Colbert Report,' and then Mr. Colbert himself urged his viewers to buy it - on his show and on Twitter.
Edan Lepucki
#14. Morris Weissman [on the phone, discussing casting for his movie]: What about Claudette Colbert? She's British, isn't she? She sounds British. Is she, like, affected or is she British?
Julian Fellowes
#15. I'm a huge 'Game of Thrones' fan. I'm really into the 'Colbert Report' and 'Last Week Tonight.' And I really like to get on Netflix and watch, like, TV documentaries about: What happened to the mastodon? Or who was Jack the Ripper?
Scott Michael Foster
#16. I get up around 8 o'clock, which gives me enough time to walk dogs and feed chickens and horses. Then I get to work in my home office upstairs, and basically, I don't stop until I've written 2,000 words and/or the Stephen Colbert show is over.
Lisa Scottoline
#17. In 1990 [Claudette Colbert] wished Vanity Fair readers "a fabulous new decade. I'm praying to make it to 2000. After all, I'll only be 97." She didn't quite make it.
Eve Golden
#18. Stephen Colbert has such a loyal following; I don't know if it's the same with Jay Leno; he really inspires love in people, and there can be a lucky ricochet of that for some people.
Lisa Hannigan
#19. I was a fan of "The Daily Show" I watched it,I never imagined being on it, but I figured I would just go down there and do my best Stephen Colbert impression.
Aasif Mandvi
#20. It's lamented that the youth get their news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. It's lamentable that they get more from them than from the news.
Dick Cavett
#21. The real Stephen Colbert is a practicing Catholic. He teaches Sunday school. He can recite chapter and verse of chapter and verse - from both the King James Bible and 'The Lord of the Rings.'
Kevin Bleyer
#22. Stephen Colbert used to be my friend. I even signed the poor baby's cast when he hurt his hand.
Nancy Pelosi
#23. She taught me to be grateful for my life regardless of what that entailed, and that's directly related to the image of Christ on the cross and the example of sacrifice that he gave us." But the Stephen Colbert who speaks
Bruce Watson
#24. Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence ... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
Stephen Colbert
#25. For my wife Mary Corliss and me, 'Colbert' has been destination viewing. Even in the early years, we never took the show's excellence for granted, agreeing that someday we'd look back on the double whammy of 'The Daily Show' and 'The Colbert Report' as the golden age of TV's singeing singing satire.
Richard Corliss
#26. The sooner we accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop arguing about it and start having sex! DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT, D.F.A.
Christopher Ryan
#27. Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost.
Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.
Stephen Colbert
#28. Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
Stephen Colbert
#29. Bette Davis, she was so brilliant and one of my heroes, but she worked a ton, and then she didn't get All About Eve [1950] until the last minute. Claudette Colbert was supposed to be Margo Channing, but then she broke her back and couldn't do it. That allowed Davis to play her age.
Winona Ryder
#30. People are watching TV, they're watching some clips on their iPhone. I mean, some folks are sitting there on the iPhone, watching the Colbert Report, and meanwhile there's a huge plasma TV right in front of them that they could be watching it on.
Biz Stone
#31. Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state
that makes people want to flee the Earth?"
- Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones,
"The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005
Stephen Colbert
#32. I know what's best for me, after all I have been in the Claudette Colbert business longer than anybody.
Claudette Colbert
#33. Henry Colbert, the miller, always breakfasted with his wife
beyond that he appeared irregularly at the family table.
Willa Cather
#34. I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
Stephen Colbert
#35. If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
Stephen Colbert
#36. I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
Stephen Colbert
#37. When I got to 'The Daily Show,' they asked me to have a political opinion. It turned out that I had one, but I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.
Stephen Colbert
#38. I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
Stephen Colbert
#39. Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
Stephen Colbert
#40. All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
Stephen Colbert
#41. You can't really be passionately moderate. It's like wearing an 'Extra Medium' - it doesn't exist.
Stephen Colbert
#42. I've always believed that acting is instinct to start with; you either have it or you don't.
Claudette Colbert
#43. I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
Stephen Colbert
#44. Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a
slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and,
before you know it, Jager tainting.
Stephen Colbert
#45. I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
Stephen Colbert
#46. I spent all my time at school in the library. Bad teachers can teach you to learn on your own.
Gregory Colbert
#47. My father always wanted to be 'Col-bear.' He lived in the same town as his father, and his father didn't like the idea of the name with the French pronunciation. So my father said to us, 'Do what you want. You're not going to offend anybody.' And he was dead long before I made my decision.
Stephen Colbert
#49. I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
Stephen Colbert
#51. Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
Stephen Colbert
#52. If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
Stephen Colbert
#53. Warning: I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.
Stephen Colbert
#54. Don't get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother's
responsibility. It's a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
Stephen Colbert
#55. Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
Stephen Colbert
#56. Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
Stephen Colbert
#57. We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike ... We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.
Stephen Colbert
#58. Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.
Stephen Colbert
#59. Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
Stephen Colbert
#60. Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.
Stephen Colbert
#61. If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
Stephen Colbert
#62. Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
Stephen Colbert
#63. Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
Stephen Colbert
#64. Science literacy is an important part of what it is to be an informed citizen of society.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
#65. There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.
Stephen Colbert
#66. No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
Stephen Colbert
#67. Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What?s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda.
Stephen Colbert
#68. My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
Stephen Colbert
#69. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
Stephen Colbert
#70. I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it.
Stephen Colbert
#71. Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
Stephen Colbert
#72. I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
Stephen Colbert
#73. The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear
Stephen Colbert
#74. I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.
Stephen Colbert
#75. On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.
Stephen Colbert
#76. Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.
Stephen Colbert
#77. Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
Stephen Colbert
#78. If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.
Stephen Colbert
#79. If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
Stephen Colbert
#80. There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
Stephen Colbert
#81. I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.
Stephen Colbert
#82. I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible - I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
Stephen Colbert
#84. If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.
Stephen Colbert
#85. Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!
Stephen Colbert
#86. I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states.
Stephen Colbert
#87. They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.
Stephen Colbert
#88. But children are our future!' Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don't understand why we're helping them. You don't see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.
Stephen Colbert
#89. America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?
Stephen Colbert
#90. You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.
Stephen Colbert
#91. I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.
Stephen Colbert
#92. If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
Stephen Colbert
#93. Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to.
Stephen Colbert
#94. You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
Stephen Colbert
#95. Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.
Stephen Colbert
#96. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.
Stephen Colbert
#98. Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!
Stephen Colbert
#99. I like being boring to a certain extent. I don't have to be flashy. I get to put all of that into a show, and when it's over, I don't have to be that.
Stephen Colbert
#100. I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes.
Stephen Colbert
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