Book Humour Quotes

#1. In the very existence of this book we have a most concrete example of the manner in which at least one of these marvellous creatures [cats], acquiring both an editor and a publisher, has advanced the eventual complete feline take-over of the human race.

Paul Gallico

#2. Inevitably you're going to be delayed somewhere. Always have a book. Always have a movie. Always have a notebook. And then always have a sense of humour.

Phil Keoghan

#3. I'm so sorry. I think I'm just tired."
The socially accepted excuse for being mental.

Lucy Ivison

#4. Books are pleasant, but if by being over-studious we impair our health and spoil our good humour, two of the best things we have, let us give it over. I, for my part, am one of those who think no fruit derived from them can recompense so great a loss.

Michel De Montaigne

#5. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! - Homer Simpson

Matt Groening

#6. Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.

Lois Greiman

#7. His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

Mark Jackman

#8. In my book, water was only good for one thing ... when I remember what that is, I'll let you know.

R.K. Lewis

#9. THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

Demetri Martin

#10. You think writing a book is hard? Wait until you give it to someone to read.

Ken Stark

#11. Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

Demetri Martin

#12. Great book stands the test of time unlike my good self ...

Douglas Adams

#13. You know, I once read a book about people who practiced polygamy. One man with several wives. Crazy. I was just in a room with eight very unhappy woman and I have no idea why anyone would choose that.

Kiera Cass

#14. Why did he kill his own mother?' Ruth asked.
'The oldest story in the book,' said Gamache.
'Ben was a male prostitute?' Gabri exclaimed.
'That's the oldest profession. Where do you keep your head?' asked Ruth. 'Never mind, don't answer that.

Louise Penny

#15. If you can put this book down, it means you need more coffee and less sleep. After all, sleep is for the weak which is why I get 8 hours every night and 2 hours during the day and drink de-cafe.

Leviak B. Kelly

#16. As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

Brendan Jack

#17. You can't judge a book by its cover," he said. "No," said Watts. "But you can tell how much it's gonna cost!

David Bischoff

#18. I said in my earlier book, and find no reason for retracting my statement, that the famous Jewish sense of humour got lost in transit to Israel.

George Mikes

#19. Maybe I could find a book to help me beat my book-buying addiction.

Trace Riles

#20. REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Demetri Martin

#21. I asked my publisher what would happen if he sold all the copies of my book he'd printed. He said I'll just print another ten.

Eric Sykes

#22. Sister, spot me.

Joe Hill

#23. An intelligent man will use a book to settle an argument. Preferably a hardback with a thick spine, flat across the bridge of the nose.

Shatrujeet Nath

#24. Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.

Mark Jackman

#25. Beppu (n.)
The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page.

Douglas Adams

#26. Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?" asked Mrs. Dodypol. "It depends," says I, "how much you used the dictionary before you read it.

Alexander Theroux

#27. Life is the courier of the universal brilliance. Elysse

Elysse Poetis

#28. A life is like a book of many chapters and topics. Which Chapter are is your life?

Elizabeth Adeniyi

#29. I HAVE endeavoured in this Ghostly little book, to raise the Ghost of an Idea, which shall not put my readers out of humour with themselves, with each other, with the season, or with me. May it haunt their houses pleasantly, and no one wish to lay it. Their faithful Friend and Servant, C.

Charles Dickens

#30. You be sure to throw the book at him, you hear me? I feel violated, Detective. Violated."
"I'll throw this table at you if you don't give us the names we're looking for.

Derek Landy

#31. In 1969 I published a small book on Humility. It was a pioneering work which has not, to my knowledge, been superceded.

Frank Pakenham

#32. I tried starting a crime gang once. It turned into a book club.

Gina Amos

#33. If a book falls open in a library and no one sees it, is it still writing? Or is it simply a page bearing abstract markings?

Zanesh Catkin

#34. All of my favourite quotes to live by are in my book, I wrote it for a reason

Blake Joy

#35. Her account is that she tried to get out of having to read it, but it was no use."
"And that's fair enough," sighed Craddock. "If anyone is really determined to lend you a book, you never can get out of it!

Agatha Christie

#36. Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.

Christopher Hitchens

#37. Focus. She's Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane's butt like that? ~ Zach

Monique DeVere

#38. It looked like the sort of book described in library catalogues as 'slightly foxed', although it would be more honest to admit that it looked as though it had been badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well.

Terry Pratchett

#39. He scanned the page looking for an entry that read, "Help! I'm Almost Thirteen Years Old and I Still Have the Muscles of a Third-Grader!" but apparently Robert's condition was so freakish and rare, the authors of the book didn't even bother to include it.

Charles Gilman

#40. But to the particular species of excellence men are directed, not by an ascendant planet or predominating humour, but by the first book which they read, some early conversation which they heard, or some accident which excited ardour and emulation.

Samuel Johnson

#41. You can print a book, unfortunately you can't print the audience

Benny Bellamacina

#42. So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase ... I merely obliged her by running.

D.D. Chant

#43. At no point during the making of this book have I inverted my penis although I did go to Blackpool which turned out to be almost as painful.

Matt Rudd

#44. Jeremy tried to be an interesting person. The trouble was that he was the kind of person who, having decided to be an interesting person, would first of all try to find a book called How to Be An Interesting Person and then see whether there were any courses available.

Terry Pratchett

#45. Lord! when you sell a man a book you don't sell just twelve ounces of paper and ink and glue - you sell him a whole new life. Love and friendship and humour and ships at sea by night - there's all heaven and earth in a book, a real book.

Christopher Morley

#46. After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it

Spike Milligan

#47. It may take a village to raise a baby, but hell! it takes an army to produce a book.

Sara Sheridan

#48. The other girl, Iko, cupped her chin with both hands. This is so much better than a net drama.

Marissa Meyer

#49. If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

Mark Jackman

#50. Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

Christina Scalise

#51. When I was your age, television was called books.

William Goldman

#52. Lucky Luke: I wonder how you manage to read with everything that's going on.

Jolly Jumper: By turning the pages just like everyone else.

Morris

#53. I'm not a detective from Baker Street or an old lady who solves crimes while she's knitting in an easy chair. I'm just a book girl. So I can't make a deduction, only take a flight of fancy
er, forget I said that. I meant, I can only take a guess.

Mizuki Nomura

#54. Like a lot of people, I've always enjoyed commenting on strangers' outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people's hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

Demetri Martin

#55. She had her head in a book. Like me she preferred reading about travel to actually traveling; it was so much more comfortable.

Zanesh Catkin

#56. But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.

Terry Pratchett

#57. You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex.

Carrie Vaughn

#58. Waiting for a book to be published is like having a baby. It would be nine months before we heard the patter of tiny pages trotting through the letter box, and the bookcase shuffled it's shelves in boredom and I was a martyr to morning sickness.

Deric Longden

#59. Two whores who finally found something to mother. A guy could write a book about it, he thought bitterly, call it From Hair To Maternity. It would probly be a very long book. Whores did not produce as fast as rabbits.

James Jones

#60. Morning, noon & bloody night,
Seven sodding days a week,
I slave at filthy WORK, that might
Be done by any book-drunk freak.
This goes on until I kick the bucket.
FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT

Philip Larkin

#61. Please Note:
Although it is true that some have
been captured; we would like to
assure you that no thoughts, or
images, have been harmed during
the making of this book.

Clive Blake

#62. It is the privilege of tale-tellers to open their story in an inn, the free rendezvous of all travellers, and where the humour of each displays itself, without ceremony or restraint.

Walter Scott

#63. The pity is that the public will demand and find a moral in my book, or worse they may take it in some serious way, and on the honour of a gentleman, there is not one single serious word in it.

James Joyce

#64. Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

Neil Gaiman

#65. I'm waiting for the day when Rush Limbaugh's pharmacist writes a book.

Carl Hiaasen

#66. I'm not sure if you've noticed this yet, but Jenny Sullivan likes to overuse people's first names. It's a technique she read about in a book called Own It - Take Life By The Bollocks. She once said my name so many times I disconnected from it entirely.

Claire Garber

#67. I was reading a book ... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Tim Vine

#68. My mortgage isn't getting any cheaper and I can't run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don't get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I've never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

Mark Jackman

#69. I dream of books!

Lailah Gifty Akita

#70. Darling, whose book is this to be?"
"Ostensibly yours, my sweet"
"I see
rather like my life since I met you?"
"Yes darling

John Wyndham

#71. It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!

Demetri Martin

#72. When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o'clock in the afternoon and she said, "Oh my God, chapter six, sex and a murder," and her five year old wandered into the kitchen and said, "Sixty hamburgers?

Sara Sheridan