Top 100 Baseball Humor Quotes
#1. Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC ... well, not on McCovey's part either.
Jerry Coleman
#3. The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin.
Jerry Coleman
#5. And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield.
Jerry Coleman
#6. You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it.
Jerry Coleman
#8. I've got a Don Baylor," J.T. said.
"California sucks this year."
Ralph snickered. "I wouldn't use a Baylor card to scrape dog shit off the street.
Jodi Picoult
#10. Reggie Smith of the Dodgers and Gary Matthews of the homers hit Braves in that game.
Jerry Coleman
#11. If Pete Rose brings the Reds in first, they ought to bronze him and put him in cement.
Jerry Coleman
#12. For that matter I didn't understand Civil War reenactments. Why would you celebrate the biggest thing you ever lost? I quickly learned not to give voice to such skepticisms, and when asked if I was a Yankee I said I didn't follow baseball closely. That usually shut the person up.
Patricia Cornwell
#13. I decided we should get married no more of this running-through-the-rain shit. We should live in the same place, sleep in the same bed at night, wake up together in the morning, and whenever there's a tornado, I can take care of you and watch Baseball at the same time.
Curtis Sittenfeld
#15. There's a hard shot to LeMaster, he throws Madlock into the dugout.
Jerry Coleman
#16. For your penance, say two Hail Marys, three our Fathers, and," he added, with a chuckle, "say a special prayer for the Dodgers.
Doris Kearns Goodwin
#17. Whenever you get an inflamed tendon, you've got a problem. OK, here's the next pitch to Gene Tendon.
Jerry Coleman
#18. From the way Denny's shaking his head, he's either got an injured shoulder or a gnat in his eye.
Jerry Coleman
#19. Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because that's the kind of guy he is.
Jerry Coleman
#20. The sky is so clear today you can see all the way to Missouri.
Jerry Coleman
#21. They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe.
Jerry Coleman
#22. Larry Moffett is 6' 3". Last year he was 6" 6".
Jerry Coleman
#23. Even though the ball was doubled, they got it anyway.
Jerry Coleman
#24. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
Rita Rudner
#25. When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around.
Jerry Coleman
#27. There's a shot up the alley. Oh, it's just foul.
Jerry Coleman
#28. That big guy, Winfield, at 6'6, can do things only a small man can do.
Jerry Coleman
#29. The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!
Jerry Coleman
#30. Billy Almon has all of his in-laws and outlaws here this afternoon.
Jerry Coleman
#31. We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!
Jerry Coleman
#32. Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4.
Jerry Coleman
#33. Ozzie Smith is out there roaming around like glass.
Jerry Coleman
#34. Shirley and Griffey get along like a rattler and a parrot.
Jerry Coleman
#35. It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader.
Jerry Coleman
#36. Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.
Jerry Coleman
#37. Edwards missed getting Stearns at third base by an eyeball.
Jerry Coleman
#38. The ex-left-hander Dave Roberts will be going for Houston.
Jerry Coleman
#39. Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?
Jerry Coleman
#40. The sheer quantity of brain power that hurled itself voluntarily and quixotically into the search for new baseball knowledge was either exhilarating or depressing, depending on how you felt about baseball. The same intellectual resources might have cured the common cold, or put a man on Pluto.
Michael Lewis
#41. DeShaies is like a clock out there. Every other pitch goes one way or the other.
Jerry Coleman
#42. That's the fourth extra base hit for the Padres - two doubles and a triple.
Jerry Coleman
#43. Oh my God! You little slut! You want to have a good date with him and want to have ten thousand of his little baseball babies! Cassie!!!
J. Sterling
#44. There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number.
Jerry Coleman
#45. George Hendrick simply lost that sun-blown pop-up.
Jerry Coleman
#47. Right now Andy Larkin is pitching just like young Andy Larkin.
Jerry Coleman
#48. One thing led to another. That was the only way to explain how Arnold Brinkman, who considered both professional sports and young children unjustifiable, had ended up at Yankee Stadium with a nine-year-old boy.
Jacob M. Appel
#49. Eric Show will be 0 for 10 if that pop fly ever comes down.
Jerry Coleman
#50. Renko has just about had it. Pretty soon somebody will come out of the dugout with a fork and get him.
Jerry Coleman
#51. Montefusco bare-hands it and throws him out. That grounder will make you a traveling salesman in a hurry!
Jerry Coleman
#52. Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.
Jerry Coleman
#53. I sure hope you're staying alive for the upcoming Dodgers series.
Jerry Coleman
#54. With one out in the first, Dave Roberts looks a lot better than the last time he pitched against the Padres!
Jerry Coleman
#56. If ever an error had "F" written on it, that grounder did.
Jerry Coleman
#59. I like to use big words so people will think I know what I'm talking about.
Jerry Coleman
#60. The way he's swinging the bat, he won't get a hit until the 20th century.
Jerry Coleman
#61. Enos Cabell started out here with the Astros, and before that he was with the Orioles.
Jerry Coleman
#62. Bob Davis has his hair differently this year, short with curls like Randy Jones wears. I think you call it a Frisbee.
Jerry Coleman
#63. Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.
Jerry Coleman
#64. Tell him to shut up! Tell him there's no crying in baseball!
Stephen King
#65. Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.
Jerry Coleman
#66. Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done.
Jerry Coleman
#67. I challenge anyone, even with a radar machine, to hit that slider.
Jerry Coleman
#68. Ozzie makes a leaping, diving stop, shovels to Fernando and everybody drops everything.
Jerry Coleman
#69. Those numbers with Tony are so often and so interesting.
Jerry Coleman
#71. At the end of six innings of play, it's Montreal 5, Expos 3.
Jerry Coleman
#72. I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.
Jerry Coleman
#73. Templeton is as hot as you can be and still walk!
Jerry Coleman
#75. Yeah," he says. "We've been friends since kindergarten. Funniest guy I know," Matt says with a chuckle. "He's a great guitar player, too. He's in a band with some guys from Omaha South. He keeps trying to get me to join."
"What do you play?" I ask.
"Baseball," Matt jokes.
Cat Patrick
#76. Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.
Jerry Coleman
#77. Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has.
Jerry Coleman
#78. Babies don't come with instruction booklets. You'd learn the same way we all do
you'd read up on dinosaurs, you'd Google backhoes and skidders. And you don't need a penis to go buy a baseball glove.
Jodi Picoult
#79. I don't know about Willie Davis. He's not as young as he used to be.
Jerry Coleman
#80. On the mound is Randy Jones, the left-hander with the Karl Marx hairdo.
Jerry Coleman
#81. Yes but the point is that you can go to the ballet with me or a baseball game or a concert and wherever is fine. You're like the Swiss army knife friend; you have an attachment for everything.
Mary Calmes
#82. A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it is now quite literally the cornerstone of one of America's greatest ballparks.(Fenway)
Nicole McKay
#83. Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight.
Jerry Coleman
#84. Zane Smith is a guy who can shut you out as well as look at you.
Jerry Coleman
#85. Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to.
Jerry Coleman
#88. I got to third base. At baseball practice the following Monday, that is. As for what happened that night with Kevin at the stinky picnic gazebo, that's none of your damn business.
Brent Hartinger
#89. Of course I'm going to the front door like a stupid chick in a horror movie," he muttered. On his way to the door, he doubled back and grabbed a baseball bat from the closet. "Now I just have to remember not to go outside and ask if anyone is there.
Amanda Hocking
#90. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron
#92. That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it.
Jerry Coleman
#93. The Maker of the universe with stars a hundred thousand light-years apart was interested, furious, and very personal about it if a small boy played baseball on Sunday afternoon.
Sinclair Lewis
#94. Wen he pulled away e smiled as he said, "I'm on a mission to make you like hockey more than baseball."
"Unless you are wearing tight baseball pants, you aren't keeping my attention.
Toni Aleo
#95. Turner was like a pencil. He bent around that pitch!
Jerry Coleman
#96. You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in.
Jerry Coleman
#98. McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back.
Jerry Coleman
#99. Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he's so unpredictable.
Jerry Coleman
#100. And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4.
Jerry Coleman
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