Top 100 Allen Woody Quotes
#1. Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?
It'll be a year come April 20th.
I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday
Woody Allen
#2. Woody Allen once said that 90 percent of life is about showing up. Ninety percent of healing people in psychological pain is shutting up - at least long enough to let them bleed the truth. That sounds easy, but it isn't. (68)
Keith Ablow
#3. I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom ... and a moth ate my sports jacket.
He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.
Woody Allen
#4. Enthusiasm is a good engine, but it needs intelligence for a driver.
Woody Allen
#5. People ask me whether I think that one day I might wake up one morning and run dry, but I've had the opposite feeling - that I would die before I had time to write all the ideas in my drawer.
Woody Allen
#6. Drama is like meat and three veg. Whereas comedy is like the merangue at the end.
Woody Allen
#7. If you're born with a gift, to behave like it's an achievement is not right.
Woody Allen
#8. People think of Jews as the Woody Allen stereotype, the nebbishy kind of thing, but that's not the kind of Jews I know. I know plenty of Israelis and plenty of tough guys that are Jewish. So, I think it makes sense that Jews play metal.
Scott Ian
#9. Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!
Woody Allen
#10. Marshall McLuhan predicted books would become art objects at some point. He was right.
Woody Allen
#11. I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know ... I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen
#12. Yes, I'm a New Yorker, born and bred. While I'm not quite the L.A. snob that Woody Allen is, I do find myself happier in New York.
Corey Stoll
#13. Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.
Woody Allen
#14. I, interestingly, had dated a woman in the Eisenhower Administration briefly, and it was ironic to me 'cause I was trying to do toher what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years.
Woody Allen
#15. Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
Woody Allen
#16. I took an acting class with Louise Lasser, Woody Allen's first wife and co-star in many movies. I've done some other indie films, if you look on the YouTube. I love acting - it's great.
Gary Shteyngart
#17. The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
Woody Allen
#18. To me nature is ... spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating ... It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.
Woody Allen
#19. I'm a fan of Louis C.K., I'm a fan of Lena Dunham. I love shows about people that other people would consider unlikable, or, like, the work of Woody Allen and Albert Brooks.
Jill Soloway
#20. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen
#21. Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love
the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
Woody Allen
#22. It's important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don't, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn't work either.
Woody Allen
#23. I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.
Woody Allen
#24. If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Woody Allen
#25. Woody Allen, that was a dream come true, although I never really talked to him. Auditioning was fun, because you don't really hear much about the script. They just said, "They want a Woody Allen type," so of course I got the call.
Peter Jacobson
#26. We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice.
Woody Allen
#27. Relationships are really what interest me the most. And I think, in the end, they interest most people the most. Even when you read Tolstoy or something, basically they're about man and woman relationships.
Woody Allen
#28. I always feel the cynicism is reality with maybe an alternate spelling or something because I feel that I have real perspective on this particular issue of punishment in society.
Woody Allen
#29. When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allen
#30. I'm so excited-I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.
Woody Allen
#31. The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.
Woody Allen
#32. Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.
Norm MacDonald
#34. The two biggest myths about me are that I'm an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I'm an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.
Woody Allen
#35. What is it about death that bothers me? Probably the hours.
Woody Allen
#36. Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety
Woody Allen
#37. There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.
Woody Allen
#38. I learned a few things on my own since, and modified some of the things he taught me, but everything, unequivocally, that I learned about comedy writing I learned from Danny Simon,
Woody Allen
#40. She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Woody Allen
#41. The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
Woody Allen
#42. The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen
#43. My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
Woody Allen
#44. We grew up watching Woody Allen and Albert Brooks movies, and we see this neurotic, annoying, unlikeable male at the center of a story, and people root for him anyway. I think that's really what we have been craving as women is the hero who doesn't look perfect and doesn't act perfectly.
Jill Soloway
#45. Woody Allen has done some excellent serious movies, too, like Crimes And Misdemeanors. Very overlooked movie, I think, and really his best. And currently I like Big Fish!
David Zucker
#46. I have just spent the better part of a week sorting out the miasma of lunatic alibis known as your correspondence in an effort to adjust matters, that our game may be finished simply once and for all.
Woody Allen
#47. Woody Allen is really the ultimate. I love that he believed in himself enough to do what he did. And I have that same feeling - that there's nobody that looks like me in movies, nobody would cast me as a romantic lead, but I want to do it and I feel confident that I can.
Mindy Kaling
#48. I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.
Woody Allen
#49. After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.
Woody Allen
#50. I don't think my film style has changed. I'm doing the same kind of jokes I did when I was younger.
Woody Allen
#51. Sigmund Freud was a half baked Viennese quack. Our literature, culture, and the films of Woody Allen would be better today if Freud had never written a word.
Ian Shoales
#52. I've worked with Woody Allen twice and he was like, "Whatever you want to change, it's up to you. If you want to change the words, make them your own."
George Clooney
#53. It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen
#54. I definitely have a little Woody Allen inside of me. That is true.
Autre Ne Veut
#55. If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen
#56. The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
Woody Allen
#57. I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery.
Woody Allen
#58. As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree'
probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen
#59. Well, if I don't get at least 16 hours, I'm a basket case.
Woody Allen
#60. In 1940 I was just turning 5 years old and being taken to the movies. For those of us who were not old enough to understand the horror of war it was a very romantic era because these guys were kissing their wives and girlfriends goodbye and going off to fight and become heroes.
Woody Allen
#61. With me; it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything.
Woody Allen
#62. Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.
Woody Allen
#63. Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.
Woody Allen
#65. For some reason I'm more appreciated in France than I am back home. The subtitles must be incredibly good.
Woody Allen
#66. In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.
Woody Allen
#67. If the [actors] are working, and I have a dinner engagement, I don't do 20 takes. I do five takes and go home. I want to go to dinner.
Woody Allen
#68. My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one
Woody Allen
#69. Dying is like making love, except you don't get naseous afterwards.
Woody Allen
#70. I don't wanna live on in my work. I wanna live on in my apartment.
Woody Allen
#71. Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.
Woody Allen
#72. Over time, my belief in many things has wavered: marriage, the afterlife, Woody Allen.
Lena Dunham
#73. I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK)
Woody Allen
#74. When one chooses to be a writer, psychologically there's a reason for that because you like the isolation and you like to be by yourself and you are by nature timid.
Woody Allen
#75. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
Woody Allen
#76. Woody Allen - nobody has been a better joke teller than him - and even in his great films, it's always coming out of the character. If you don't have that, jokes are just empty and I think that people rely too much on jokes.
Brett Gelman
#77. You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.
Woody Allen
#78. I'm sick of hearing, thinking and talking about Woody Allen. Nonetheless, the allegations against him continue to capture our national attention because so much of the story is strange and sordid.
Roxane Gay
#79. There's no way to prove that there is no God. You just have to take it on faith.
Woody Allen
#80. Music has always helped my films. In 'The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion,' you can hear 'Sunrise' by Glenn Miller, an idol of my childhood, in the surprise ending. I like mixing comedy with suspense and action.
Woody Allen
#81. I never knew what Amazon was. I've never seen any of those series, even on cable. I've never seen The Sopranos, or Mad Men. I'm out every night and when I come home, I watch the end of the baseball or basketball game, and there's Charlie Rose and I go to sleep.
Woody Allen
#82. Working with Woody [Allen] is like an emotional strip club without the cash.
Cate Blanchett
#83. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen
#84. When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.
Woody Allen
#85. As I got more confident, I was able to let actors improvise, and do long takes. It's 10%, 5% you learn and experience. The rest you just have or you don't have.
Woody Allen
#86. I don't fear death. - I just don't want to be around when it happens.
Woody Allen
#87. I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion ... but it won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen
#88. I work all the time because it's a great distraction and it keeps me from sitting home and obsessing morbidly.
Woody Allen
#90. I read 'War and Peace' in 20 minutes," he says. "It's about Russia.
Woody Allen
#91. Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.
Woody Allen
#92. The artist can't give you an answer that's satisfying to the dreadful reality of your existence. So the best you can do is maybe entertain people and refresh them for an hour-and-a-half.
Woody Allen
#93. How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can-opener works.
Woody Allen
#94. As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.
Woody Allen
#95. For some reason I've always had an irrational love for New York. There's no reason that you would necessarily like it on paper. It's very expensive.
Woody Allen
#96. Life is full of moments that are good - winning a lottery, seeing a beautiful woman, a great dinner - but the whole thing is tragic. It's an oasis that is very pleasant.
Woody Allen
#97. It's all through the actors; I cannot write in that idiom
Woody Allen
#98. I think [aging] has nothing to recommend it. You don't gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you'd trade all of that for being 35 again.
Woody Allen
#99. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Woody Allen
#100. He's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something
Woody Allen
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